Week Four - Fat Daddy

We kick off this episode with some violin music, because Lord Siral is dragging his Apprenti to Wilton's Music hall, London's oldest Victorian music hall. The Apprentice has always liked to introduce a task by talking about an old thing and establishing a tenuous link to a new thing, and the modern equivalent of a Victorian music hall is apparently YouTube. We now get to watch Lord Siral, a man who didn't full understand computers when he ran a computer company and who is responsible for the Amstrad Emailer, explain YouTube to a group of mostly twenty-somethings. Karen Brady seems unusually irritated by his performance for some reason.

Happy to be here

The teams job is to set up YouTube channels and the winner will be the team that gets the most hits in 48 hours. Jemma is moved to team Summit, because she hasn't done anything for four weeks except put on her lipstick. Lord Siral has realised that when he makes suggestions people don't realise they're actually orders and so he decides that the Project Managers will be Solomon for Team Summit, because he knows about the Internet and stuff and Ella-Jade for Team Tenacity because she wants to be a documentary film maker.

At the Team Tenacity brainstorming session, Pamela says she did a great video at work involving rugby players and hand cream, which is already starting to sound suspiciously euphemistic so Ella-Jade rapidly moves rapidly on. Pamela is less than happy and this dismissal will colour her and Ella-Jade's interaction for the rest of the task. This is a bit of a problem because apart from the fact that Pamela has slightly wavy hair, she and Ella-Jade can only be distinguished from one another by the accents. So we're now stuck watching two basically identical women argue, like a pair of identical twins at a family reunion. Ella-Jade says her strategy is to be herself. Maybe she was worried that she might accidentally be Pamela.

Katie, apparently, already has a YouTube channel showing fitness videos. Is there any aspect of life she doesn't have experience with already? Last week it was home smells, this week it's YouTube. Felipe suggests that as the least un-fat and oldest member of the team he could play "Fat Daddy", attempt to get fit and bring some comedy. Lauren and Daniel are worried that this may be offensive to fat people. Though if we remove all the potentially offensive videos from YouTube we're pretty much left with a logo, and that'll probably be taken down soon.

Ella-Jade doles out tasks. Felipe and Katie will be on camera, she will direct with Pamela acting a first AD, or something. Lauren will take charge of the sub-team who will be responsible for editing and other miscellaneous tasks that we will get to later. Sarah is put in charge of timing, because she's "very organised". Which sounds a bit like giving the special needs kid the stop watch on sports day because you can't trust them to run in the right direction.

Over at Team Summit, the team wants to do something funny involving food. Solomon is thinking of reaction videos to people eating odd-looking things and has come up with the name "Gut Reaction." Someone is worried that word 'gut' may be offensive. Between this and Team Tenacity worrying that they may offend fat people, I think this year's Apprenti may be too timid for the Internet.

 James' magnificent physique

In the end, Solomon puts Roisin and James, wearing an apron, a chef's hat, a funny accent and very little else, in front of the camera. Roisin's job is essentially to present a fairly dry life style video about cookery while James jumps up behind her with plastic fangs and generally gets in the way. The team think this is hilarious, but their sense of humour may have been stunted from too much exposure to Lord Siral's boardroom jokes.

 There really isn't much I can add to this

Meanwhile, at Team Tenacity, Ella-Jade is trying to direct. Pamela thinks she is doing a terrible job and that she assumed that someone who wants to be a documentary film-maker would know how to make films. Though, to be fair, it's probably quite hard to make a film while you pissed-off doppelganger yells across you. Karen Brady, who started the episode in a bad mood, now looks solidly fed up to be there.

There may be something in Pamela's complaints, though. For their second video the team put Felipe and Katie along side a personal trainer who, due to lack of clear direction, seems to think his job is to abuse Felipe to his face. It's one thing to refer to yourself as 'fat daddy' in a self-deprecating way, and quite another when an obviously fitter, younger man calls you that as you lie on the floor exhausted and gasping for air. Karen reckons that the whole thing is "quite cruel", which coming from someone who works closely with Lord Siralan is really saying something.

For the following day, the teams will be making a video with an established YouTube partner and so the sub-teams are having video conferences with potential collaborators. On other tasks, the teams usually meet their potential partners face to face, but as this is a YouTube task everything has to be done by laptop and the end result is, like most virtual meetings, a bit like shouting at a hobbit through a faulty magic mirror.

Team Tenacity quickly choose a couple of fitness themed comedians, but Team Summit face a dilemma. The team have to choose between Barry, who makes food themed videos and Ollie, a 19 year old the purpose of whose videos is not established, but has twelve and a half million teenage girls watching. Mark favours Barry because of thematic consistency, but Solomon overrules him and goes with the numbers. Mark responds to this by deferring to Solomon's judgement as project manager and resident Internet expert in a calm and professional way. This is the sort of sensible, normal behaviour that usually indicates a megalomaniac who, when he gets to be project manager, will spend the episode bellowing insane orders and demanding respect.

 Twelve and a half million teenage girls can't be wrong

The Tenacity sub-team are trying to edit their video, but are struggling because what was supposed to be a comedy fitness video has ended up like something leaked by the US military. Sarah tries to keep the time and when they ignore her, tells them not to blame her when they run over, The team spend so long on the editing that they forget to give their video either a heading or a name. When Ella-Jade calls, Lauren is left apologising, but, naturally, the team decides to blame Sarah, whose role has been expanded to scape-goat.

For the last day the teams will be divided again, with half making a final video with their collaborators while the other half pitches their channel to representative of Buzz Feed in attempt to persuade them to give the channel a mention. Which is not so much begging for scraps as begging for someone to put in a good word for them with the scrap merchant. Ella-Jade doles out individual tasks, but forgets about Sarah. Sarah thinks she is being left out and she's taking it personally. Probably because everyone on the team thinking you're useless is fairly personal.

Tenacity seem to be having a better time filming having gotten rid of Ella-Jade, they're certainly enjoying themselves more. Summit's collaborator, Ollie, is having a competition with James to see who can eat a cream covered banana the fastest. Fortunately, that is in no way a euphemism for anything. Jemma, who we haven't seen much this week or any week, says her job is to manage Ollie. So nothing again. Ollie, seems happy with the final result and promises to mention it on Twitter and his Channel. This could potentially expose a million teenage girls to James in an apron and nothing else. In the current political climate that may be enough to put you on the sex offenders register.

To the surprise of team Summit, Buzz Feed don't find their video funny. One of them thinks it might be better aimed at 8-10 year-olds. Another has written "kill James" on their pad. A few more weeks with Lord Siral and he may be willing to take them up on the offer.

Steven is rehearsing his pitch in the back of a taxi. He's a bit too fond of the phrase "the hardest part of a journey is the first step" and repeats it so often that it looks like the rest of the team are going to strangle him with a seat belt. Steven's over earnest pitching style doesn't go down well with Buzz Feed, especially as he's rapidly using up the Earth's supply of oxygen and still hasn't actually communicated anything.

Buzz Feed do laugh when Felipe introduces himself as "fat daddy" but the laughter dies away as they discover they are essentially watching someone being bullied. Sarah tries to salvage the pitch by claiming it's self-deprecating, which is a defence that more bullies should try. "We weren't bullying him when we flushed his head down the toilet miss, we were self-deprecating him." Sarah suggests a whole fat franchise, 'Fat Mum', 'Fat Sister', 'Fat Dog'. I think when your videos look like torture, the solution isn't to offer to torture many more people.

In the end neither team gets a mention on Buzz Feed. James find this surprising because they built the channel based on what Buzz Feed would like. Which Buzz Feed should probably take as an insult. Solomon feels he let his team down, but did everything he could, which is weirdly self-contradictory.

Back at the boardroom the team's watch both videos. Lord Siral is less than impressed saying that James comes across as a "grade A pillock". Which, to be fair, is true and very much the point. But he does think Solomon made the right choice of collaborators given Ollie's hit rate and the team think Solomon did a good job as project manager.

Lord Siralan doesn't like Fat Daddy at all, thinking Felipe is as fat as James is funny. But he does like the idea of torturing a lawyer, which is pretty much the entire video. If the team had re-named their channel "Lawyer Torture"  it would have been a hit. Pamela thinks there was a lack of leadership from Ella-Jade. The team also think that Steven's pitch was terrible. He responds by repeating the first line of it, as though we haven't heard it enough times.

In the end Summit got 3532 views and Tenacity 3314. So Summit wins for the first time and the team are flown off to the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. That's a bit odd. If they're flying them out of the country you would think it would be for a task. I'm not convinced it's real. The BBC probably stuck on them on a set they use for Doctor Who. Still, it does allow for gratuitous swim suit shots of the other half of the candidates.

 Unconvincing

Back at the cafe Katie thinks that 3,000 views proves their videos weren't offensive. Because the collective response of the online community to offensive material is not to watch it. Ella-Jade is already gunning for Sarah and Steven claiming they didn't contribute. Fair enough for Sarah, but Steven definitely contributed, albeit doing more harm than good. Steven says if he'll highlight all of Ella-Jade's faults and "she'll look like a fool, not me". Steven, I'm sure you can both manage to look like fools.

Back in the boardroom, the team, and Pamela in particular, put the blame on Ella-Jade for a lack of leadership which left them not knowing whether they were making a comedy or serious video. Lord Siralan is less than impressed because in Sugar World, making documentaries is exactly the same as YouTube videos so this task should  have been perfect for Ella-Jade.


However, he also wants to know why the video went out without a name or a description and the team blame Sarah. Sarah objects that Lauren was the sub-team leader and all she did was timing, but this just emphasises how little she had to do. Sarah questions why the team don't take her seriously and Katie points out that it's because her week one sales strategy consisted of wearing short skirts and makeup. Honestly, all you do is claim that women are better at sales than men because they look nicer and suddenly no-one takes you seriously as a business woman.

Ella Jade brings back Steven and Sarah because anyone else would eviscerate her in the boardroom. Lord Siralan thinks Ella-Jade is educated but has no experience. Karen, who seems to be in a particularly bad mood this week, says that no-one can be bothered waiting for Steven to get to the point and that although everyone ignores Sarah, it may be because she has nothing to say worth hearing.

Lord Siralan hits Ella-Jade with the claim that she has never had a proper job and isn't impressed by the number of University societies she apparently ran. Unfortunately, in Sugar World, if you weren't paid to do it then it doesn't count. He also wonders if the team are patronising Sarah because she used to be PA. It turns out she also used to be a Hypnotherapist, though that revelation doesn't do wonders for her credibility. She does have a great plan to set up a dating website, but Ella-Jade points out that her experience of the industry consists of going to dating websites.

Lord Siralan turns to Steven, but his pain thresh hold must be very low this week because he's barely offered to be Project Manager next week before Lord Siral boots him out of the door. Steven looks like he's restraining himself from saying something rude. The one time he doesn't have to restrain himself is the one time he does. I'd really like to hear Steven say "well Fuck You Lord Sugar".

But with all these extra candidates no-one is safe. Sarah is booted next because no-one has confidence in her. Sarah thinks Lord Siralan wouldn't have made a good business partner for her. Too late Sarah, Lindsay already pulled off the "you can't fire me I quit" last week. With only Ella-Jade left will Lord Siralan make it a hat-trick for the first time in Apprentice history? Ella-Jade begs him not to, but to no avail, the record is to tempting and she is fired. But with only her dignity left to lose, Ella-Jade pushes out a plane in the amazon jungle without a map, begging for another chance. She's half out the door when she has another go. Lord Siral has to deploy the finger for a second time to get her to leave, making her the first candidate to be fired twice and taking the total firings to four.

Back in the house, the surviving candidates are waiting for three people who will never return. Lord Siralan phones them up to put them out of their misery. I was hoping he might send Francis from reception to let them know. It would be nice to see her out of the office for a change.

Next time: the Apprenti are orded to set up coach tours. Are the program-makers insane? They've done bus tours before, but this relies on finding a group of people willing to spend an extended period of time with the candidates. No wonder they got rid of Steven, if he'd been on board it would have led to a homicide.

Episode 4 - May 22nd 2013 - Farm Shops

It's pretty normal for their to be a fight among Apprenti over who gets to answer the phone. Not sure why, maybe they're just desperate for any form of exposure or that they, bizarrely, think that taking the call increase their prestige? But Luisa seems peculiarly keen. After getting hold of the handset in episode two, she's always hovering in the background trying to listen in on the call.

Lord Siral drags them over to the Surrey Docks city farm, where he informs them that farmers have been bringing their produce into the city for over ten years. Personally, I think they've been doing it a bit longer than that. I don't think Victorian factory workers subsisted on a diet of smog and brick dust. The task this week is sell farm produce at farm stores Lord Siral has 'laid on' (take a drink). After three straight losses for the girls, Lord Siral pretty much has to shuffle the teams or risk the possibility of an all male shorlist. Natalie and Uzma and duly moved to team Morse, because he 'wants to keep an eye on them.' Is he going to be watching this team more closely? Maybe he prefers watching Karen to Nick, not sure what he's thinking there. Miles, Jordan and Jason are shuffled over to team Evolve.

Neil ends up in charge of the reconstituted Morse, probably just by bellowing that he's always been in charge and invented the concept of leadership until everyone gave in. Luisa puts herself forward as leader of Evolve, because she has experience in the food industry and Rebecca puts herself forward because Luisa is annoying. Despite not really having an argument, Rebecca looks quite put out when Luisa wins out over her. She may have overestimated  just how annoying Luisa is.

 Mutual respect

Over at team Morse, Kurt is strongly pushing milkshakes. That he wants to start up a milkshake business is surely a coincidence. But it might be a good idea, the costs are low and the margins high. Neil leads Alex and Natalie on a hunt for milk, which turns out to be unfortunate as Natalie turns out to be terrified of cows. And all other animals as well as some inanimate objects. It may simply be fear of the unknown, it takes three goes for her to identify a cow having previously tried horse and dog. Alex runs around the field taking pictures of cows, while Natalie assumes that anything looking at him, not looking at him or moving away from him is about to charge.

 Watch out Alex, they look angry

The sub-team are on there way to buy milk and Alex is volunteering to dress up as a scarecrow, which is an improvement over a vampire I suppose. Kurt is confident they can sell 200 milkshakes but Neil is less sure. But, thanks to a maths cock up by Alex, who seems to want to divide everything by 2, they end up with 100 litres, enough for 400 milkshakes if Kurt is to be believed.

Meanwhile, team Evolve have decided to buy buffalo meet because Jordan thinks it will be a good talking point. The theory is sound and the margins moderate, but the price is high. Luisa buys a whole Buffalo's worth which puts a squeeze on the budget. The sub-team of Francesca, Miles and Jason are stuck trying to convince her that they need more than six corn cobs to dress the rest of the shop while Luisa squawks down the phone that they need to 'engage brains.' In the end I think they just left the phone on the shop floor.

On the other hand Neil is having the opposite problem. A milkshake-obsessed Kurt is refusing to buy anything that isn't milk or shake. With only £30 worth of Veg in the van, Neil is forced to make a desperate bid for the lactose-intolerant market by buying up half the stock of another farm shop at premium prices.

Next day dawns and, after the inevitable flap over window dressing, the shops open. Evolve get off to a bad star, their first customers practically have a heart attack when they find out the cost of the buffalo. Miles and Francesca are also having trouble flogging soup and jacket potatoes in the street. Miles vetos samples on the grounds that it doesn't actually taste nice. He suggests some display jacket potatoes, but the finished results look a bit like they're being from the inside by an alien parasite.

 Evolve's customers overwhelmed by value

 Yum!

Jason and Rebecca are in charge of the kitchen. Rebecca is probably there as punishment for daring to challenge Luisa. Jason, on the other hand, is just being kept out of the way. With his bumbling form, floppy hair and public school accent, Jason is reminiscent of Boris Johnson, but while Boris is a shrewd political operator masquerading as a comedy buffoon, Jason is buffoon failing to masquerade as a shrewd political operator. The team seem to want him as far away from the public as possible. His brief sojourn into the street is treated like a toddler escaping from his play pen.

 Jason in charge of cheese

Over at team Morse things are going more steadily, but not necessarily any better. The milkshakes are selling well, but not spectacularly, and there sis still a heck of a lot of milk. Alex is bellowing in the street, but with a degree of charisma he is managing to shift some produce. Uzma, despite boasting of her sales prowess, is hanging around in a doorway trying not to be seen.

 Uzma makes her presence felt

Kurt suggests diversifying into juice, which necessitates a trip to Costcutter for cheap apple juice to use as a base. Kurt apparently has no use for solid objects, preferring everything be in liquid form.

With the day drawing to a close the teams try to clear as much stock as they can. Luisa has given up on soup and jacket potatoes and is now flogging veg in a sack at £2 a time, hoping that and an earlier large order of buffalo from a man about the size of a buffalo will tip the scales. Neil is confident, Luisa less so, not at all obvious how this is going to turn out is it?

Yep Luisa's team are victorious, albeit by a margin of only £91 and despite pretty much the whole team, even Jason, deciding she was a bad project manager. It doesn't help that Lord Siral pretty much states out right that the team won in spite, not because of her leadership. Still, Luisa isn't deterred. At the celebratory dinner, she raises a toast to the team 'lead by me' which her team mates seem to think is debateable.

Just a moment to comment on Jordan. He's clearly playing with fire, first responding to Lord Siral's scoffing at buffalo with a suggestion that he try some and then overreacting to victory with a kind of yelped 'yes get in.' which clearly pissed him off even more. Points for not being intimidated by Sugar. Unfortunately, they're points with me and not Lord Siral, and I don't have 250 grand to spare.

Neil, unsurprisingly brings Kurt back into the boardroom and also Uzma on the basis that team could have done just as well or better without her. Kurt can call on the fact that his milkshakes generated more than half the teams profit, even if he didn't sell the 200 he claimed he could. Lord Siral gives him a pass, though he may have sabotaged his business proposal by demonstrating that it doesn't always work in practice.

Neil comes across as cocky and declares himself to be the best candidate from the first three tasks. With two women and fired so far and only one man, it's looking dicey for Neil, but Uzma's two previous appearances and inability to point to anything of value she contributed means she's the one who gets the boot. But she's not deterred, after offering the most venemous 'thank you' so far seen, she claims that she will take her idea and 'make millions'. Though given the gap between her assessment of her sales skills and the reality, the may just mean 'tens.'

Next Time: The scavenger hunt! And they're off to Dubai. Great, the last time we had a scavenger hunt abroad it was a classic. This time, Zee claims to know Dubai like the back of his hand, which probably means he went there once when he was six, and the candidates attempt to communicate with foreigners by speaking very slowly and missing out crucial verbs.

Episode 4 - April 11th 2012 - Junk

After being called down to the docks, this week the candidates are sent to the "Old Cinema." At this rate I'm expecting future tasks to be announced at the back of the bike sheds or behind the bins. But in fact, the Old Cinema turns out to be a second hand shop. It isn't open when the candidates file in, but clearly they aren't trusted not to nick anything as someone is sitting behind Lord Siralan watching their every move. This weeks task is to use £1000 to fill a shop with second hand items and sell them for as much as possible.

The team line is up is shuffled slightly, with Ricky moving to Stirling and Jade swapping to Phoenix. The Narrator announces that new Leaders must be chosen in the manner of a US President following the Arab spring. Having won last week, Duane reckons he can lead Phoenix again, but Laura gets the job on the basis that she has set up a retail store before. Choosing a leader based on their actual experience? This is highly irregular.

Laura describes herself as an attractive business woman, but apparently others have called her a Rottweiler. After Killer Whales and Great White Sharks this is something of a climb down in animal metaphor terms, though it's still  better than Phoenix team leader Tom who calls himself "well rounded." This sounds more like a description of a football than a person. But he does have a plan, quality rather than quantity. Katie jumps on board with both feet suggesting they buy five items and make a fortune. This isn't so much a plan as a wish. Are the five items lottery tickets?

Over at Stirling, Laura's plan is to upcycle everything, buy cheap crap than they can add value to by redecorating and repurposing it. As official team creative person Gabrielle is put in charge of this and thinks they should have their own brand. Jenna thinks Union Jacks are very in at the moment. Given that this comes from a woman who championed the splash screen for baths it should probably be taken with a grain of salt. Maybe she watched the first episode and paid too much attention to the tourists?

The next day dawns and the teams split up to look for stock. Stephen, Katie and Adam are given only £200 of the £1000 budget, but are still asked to spend as little as possible. Maybe Tom just plans to keep all the money and give it back at the end? Based on previous team's performances this might actually be a sensible strategy. But the team are soon bitching. Adam thinks its impossible to fill the shop on their budget and that they're not miracle workers. He does claim that they are good sales people and negotiators, a claim less credible than the previous one.

The sub-team end up in an auction house. They seem to be taking their queue from day time TV, but have the message back to front. You're supposed to sell the cheap crap at the auction not buy it there. Nick Hewer says they have committed the mortal sin of not arguing with Tom for more money. Clearly the route to team success on the Apprentice is more arguing. In the end Adam resorts to scavenging from bins round the back for further stock, where he encounters Lord Siralan preparing for next week's task.

Laura's team, meanwhile, are clearing the entire stock of a junk shop. Laura thinks they should look not only for items to sell, but cheap things they can use to upcycle their existing stock. She suddenly shouts "Buttons". Not sure if that was an example or a failed attempt at swearing.

Tom is at a Car boot sale with Jade and Azhar, but he is being very picky about stock. They consider an interesting looking photo frame, before smashing part of it. Deciding they should probably leave it now that they've broken it, Jade offers a perfunctory apology "Sorry about smashing it." I assume the BBC forked out for the damage. This is where your licence fee goes.

Never let an Apprentice handle your merchandise

Stephen, Katie and Adam have moved on to a junk shop to get a few last bits and pieces with their remaining cash. They reckon they've struck gold when they find a secret back room and grab some chairs and a lamp shade. They've clearly been extra cunning finding all the secret stock the shop owner was keeping hidden for himself so that no-one would buy it! He must be furious that they've uncovered his plan. No, apparently he thinks what they've got is a load of crap.

Laura, Duanne and Ricky have stumbled on a house clearance and seem disturbingly gleeful at the news that the owner died and they can just help themselves. There's something faintly ghoulish about Ricky ripping down the curtains and tearing up the carpet. I faintly concerned that if the body was still there he'd be checking it for viable organs. Still, as Duane says, "you don't look a gift horse in the eye." Presumably because if you're watching its eye you can't watch its mouth and it might bite you!

Laura is wondering about her upcycling team and thinks they've probably come up with some really impressive stuff.

Back at the shop, the team are screwing chair legs to suitcases and painting a Union Jack on everything within eye line. Some of the team are questioning the point of adding Union Jacks to everything. Gabrielle claims they're very in at the moment, a piece of information she got from Jenna earlier in the episode. Some of the team are still not convinced. When confronted with her latest creation, Nick says it looks "sort of like a box on a ladder." Possibly because that's what it is. Gabrielle's approach to ordering material doesn't help, as it essentially consists of walking behind Jenna as she phones in an order and then doubling. But don't worry, she's pretty sure they still have loads of money.

Ladder Box

The next day comes and the Apprenti are trying to spruce themselves up for the young trendies shopping in brick lane. Stephen is worried about looking like a complete prat. Someone should probably tell him that that ship has sailed. Tom, on the other hand is wearing excessively tight trousers and is walking very carefully so that he doesn't rip anything. If it comes to a fight between his legs and the trousers it's too close to call.

Actually, the Phoenix shop, Retro Station, has a certain minimalist style. It looks uncluttered, more like a gallery than a shop, but in Brick Lane that isn't entirely out of place. Over at Vintage Gold, Stirling's shop, Nick is throwing leaves on the floor in the mistaken belief that this makes the place look arty. In fact it looks like a derelict shop that the team has broken into and started selling anything that's already there.

The situation isn't improved by some of the Stirling sales team. Duane's attempt to sell a couple of chairs involves pointing out that one is big and the other is small, demonstrating that he does, at least, possess basic spacial awareness. But this effort is still better than Jane chasing punters down the street and offering them chairs. Even Karen Brady is finding it faintly uncomfortable.

 According to Duane, one of these chairs is bigger than the other one

Over at Retro Station, things are going pretty well, so well in fact that they're starting to run out of stock and so Adam, Stephen and Jane are permitted to take some of Tom's precious budget and go by some more. They end up in a boot sale intimidating children. "How much do you want for this camera? 50p?" Adam asks a ten year old before shoving a coin into his hand clearing off. They manage to annoy one stall holder sufficiently that she gives them an ashtray for a quid on the condition that they promise to go away. Stephen reckons you can't get more retro than that, possibly getting confused between a neolithic artifact and an ashtray.

Back at Vintage Gold, Laura has hit on a scheme to give out flyers with discount vouchers. Bizarrely, it seems to work and the shop is soon packed with people. But still they are struggling to shift all the Union Jack stuff. Laura has taken to standing in the doorway yelling "Who will take this furniture off me?" Which is less a sales pitch and more a plea. As the day progresses, the team are offering increasingly desperate low prices. Laura tries to off load a table for a pound to a woman who claims her house is full of stuff, possibly from all the crap the team has already foisted on her. Meanwhile, a bloke in a bow tie's insistence that he will only give £9.25 for an item Jenna wants to sell for £9.50 is starting to look like trolling.

At Retro Station business has been brisk, despite the best efforts of Stephen who manages to drop a customer purchase on the floor when trying to put a their receipt in the bag. What was that about not looking like a prat. Still, things have gone so well that Nick Hewer actually apologises for the scorn he pored on Tom's product selection. "What do I know?" He says. Well, he's not completely alone in his opinions. A middle-aged man informs Adam that he would put all this stuff in a skip. Strange he should say that...

 Not a prat

The day is over and the shops are forced to close up. As the light dims the magic fades and Gabrielle's hastily constructed luggage tables actually start to fall to bits. Too late to do anything about it now. This is as close to a literal fly by night operation as its possible to get without the use of a plane.

Back in the boardroom it transpires that Stirling actually sold slightly more than Phoenix, but they also spent a lot more on materials and stock giving Tom a healthy win. The team are sent off for Swing dance lessons, but unfortunately this is like one of those make overs they have to reverse once the session is over. So all the candidates will be shot in the knees at the end. This may not be true.

Back with Stirling, and the blame is falling squarely on Gabrielle and Jenna for spending too much on materials and failing to add any real value. Karen describes with disdain their attempts at re-upholstering with a staple gun. Gabrielle offers a robust defence, by which I mean she becomes increasingly high pitched until all we can hear is strained squeaking. But somehow she does manage to communicate to Lord Siralan that Laura didn't do much except give pep talks and that she bought too much stock. Laura is still targeting Gabrielle, claiming she didn't do much more than stick masking tape on a window. But shock, it turns out that Gabrielle and Jenna made by far the most sales, more than £400 each, with Jane racking up a measly £10.

But at this point we don't know what they sold, so we can't tell how much their attempts at upcycling helped or hindered the team. Where Gabrielle and Jenna effective upcyclers brought low by Laura's impossible amount of stuff, or are they reckless spend-thrifts producing mountains of crap who also happen to be good at sales? Alas the jury is destined  to remain out, trapped in the waiting room with only the long suffering receptionist and a plate of jammy dodgers for company, as no-one delves into what items actually sold.

Laura drags  back Gabrielle and Jane, sensing weakness because of her lousy sales. Gabrielle has hit on a winning defence, claiming to be the only one contributing. Past boardroom experience has taught her that its better to do something big and stuff up than look boring in the corner. The finger appears to be pointing dangerously at Laura, but then a last minute upset. Jane is fired, apparently Lord Siralan hasn't seen anything in these four weeks to back up her impressive CV. To be fair, she kept the chutney team from disaster while Ricky was poring it down the drain. But she should probably have been booted in week 2 because of the Splash screen.

Jane fights back tears in the taxi. She says Lord Siralan doesn't want her. Well, at least she knows how her kids feel given that she said she cared more about this than whether they were crying.

NEXT TIME. The teams have to come up with an exercise video and pitch it to professionals in 2 days! Either this proves that the workout industry is a total sham and any idiot with a camcorder can slap one together, or this is the most ludicrously unreasonable task ever devised. Either way, someone is coming out of it looking bad.