Week Eight - Tantrums and Lawn Mowers

The Apprentii are dragged to Chiswick House this week, which the narrator describes as a "slice of the countryside in the heart of the city". This image is slightly undermined by Lord Siralan tearing up in AMS1. It's not quite belching flames, but it does undermine the rural idyll somewhat.
The teams are being sent to the Royal Bath and Wells show in Somerset, which sounds like a made-up thing, but is actually an agricultural show. Each team will have to try and flog one established product and two new, and undoubtedly ludicrous, new items and the team with the most profit will win. Though Lord Siralan does warn that he will be monitoring the team members individual sales figures.

 This doesn't have anything to do with anything, but doesn't Bianca look massive here?

Given Mark and Daniel would rather boil themselves alive than support each other, the question for team Tenacity is which compromise candidate will be Project Manager. Katie argues she's good at sales, Felipe claims he is a logistic specialist and will manage the rest of the team. Mark and Daniel support Felipe. Given that Felipe lost his one previous task as PM and Katie won hers, this seems dubious, but the Felipe does, apparently, posses a pair of testicles, which may make all the difference.

Speaking of testicles, at Team Tenacity James is keen to be Project Manager and promises to put his balls on the line. Presumably, these are the same balls he worked off a few weeks ago on the coach tour. So having worked them off, he is now putting them on the line, maybe he washed them and now they need to dry off? Roisin wonders whether James would be better off concentrating on sales while someone else managed the team, but James is confident that he can do both. The rest of the team go along with it, possibly just to shut him up.`

The teams are divided with half going to appraise new products to sell at the show. Products in these tasks fall into two categories: semi-practical items that seem enormously expensive, and ludicrous novelty items that are cheaper, but still way over-priced given their obvious lack of use. In the former category are a child-seat trailer that bolts onto a bike for £300, a robot cleaner for £250 and a swinging garden chair for £495. In the latter are a handbag made from a flat cap for £60, a pet tracker for £65 and pair of foldable wellington boots for £55.

Some kind of robot leaf clearer

Felipe and Mark like the hat handbags, for some reason. In fact, they're so enthusiastic that they get caught up in guaranteeing they get the product and forget to ask if they can offer discounts at the show and don't even think about it until Katie points it out over the phone. Mark admits this may have been an oversight. Thanks Mark, good thing you're here to let us know what someone else has already told us.

Meanwhile, Bianca, Solomon and Sanjay have settled on the pet detector and the bike trailer and have managed to negotiate some decent discounts. They get on the phone to James with the good news and he immediately decides on the foldable wellies and the hanging chair for absolutely no reason at all. Honestly, this comes across as him choosing items specifically because the team didn't recommend them. This leaves team Tenacity to scoop up the bike trailer, with £50 discount.

You don't have to sit on everything, Felipe

Meanwhile, the other sub-teams arrive at the show to view established products. Daniel is very keen to sell himself to the vendors and can't stop using the words "passion" and "passionate". He's obsessed with sales figures and promises to "excel" their targets. Which presumably means make a spreadsheet of them? Katie, whose job appears to be pointing out things that people should really have noticed themselves, says he may be coming across as too intense, try insane and disturbing. For the final vendor, hot tubs, Daniel tones it down promising to be fun and send customers away with a smile.

Daniel frightening a vendor with his 'passion'

James and Roisin also meet the vendors. James tries to be enthusiastic, but comes across as bored and impatient. But, like Tenacity, they both want the hot tubs. Or as James puts it "they're nice, they're round, hot tubs, fuck it". Unfortunately for James, the vendor goes with Tenacity because James called him Derek twice, when his name is Anthony. Surprisingly, he takes this as evidence that James may not be attention to detail. James, inattentive, slander surely?

This is Daniel when he's happy

James goes into a strop, and saying "sod him". He then decides not to tell the sub-team that the vendor turned him down, because he thinks it might damage their morale. Roisin says she won't lie and that she thinks he should tell the truth. James says he doesn't want to and "at the end of the day it's about what I want." This makes him sound like a sulky five year old having a miserable time at his birthday party. He tells them team that he made a business decision to choose lawn mowers. The team can tell something is up, but aren't sure what.

James is less happy

Daniel and Katie think they should be the ones selling the hot tubs as they won the pitch. But Mark, in the car with Felipe on the way to the show, is lobbying  hard to be given the job. Felipe agrees, though whether it's because he thinks Mark is the superior salesperson, or just because he's sitting in the same car, is unclear. When Daniel finds out that Felipe wants Mark and Katie to sell hot-tubs he blows his top. Daniel is drifting towards paranoia, practically accusing Mark of having mind powers and hypnotising Felipe. Away from the argument Mark admits to being sneaky, though it's a pretty limited sneakiness. He asked Felipe if he could sell hot tubs and Felipe said yes. It's not exactly Machiavelli.

The following day and there is disquiet in both teams. Bianca, Solomon and Sanjay are still suspicious about James, and he still won't own up. While James and Roisin go to flog lawn mowers, the sub-team are left with the foldable wellies and swinging chairs that James foisted on them. Unfortunately, the wellies turn out to be expensive and flimsy, with thin soles not suited too heavy duty agricultural use. There's no shortage of pets and children around and, when James calls for an update, the sub-team point this out and how it's a shame that they don't have any products specifically geared towards children or pets, for instance. This causes James to blow his top and their negativity.

Quite a lot of things seem to be making James angry today. While Roisin is on top of the lawn mower specs, James keeps forgetting and has to consult his notes. He's pretty sure it has oil in it, but that's about the limit. Unsurprisingly, Roisin makes the first sale. So James accuses her of undermining him and patronising him. Presumably by being better at her job than he is? Nick Hewer is staying well out of this and just enjoying sitting on a mower.

But it's hardly happy families with team Tenacity. Mark and Katie are getting on well enough selling hot tubs, but Daniel just can't let it go. They spend the entire morning sniping at each other and ignoring customers. Daniel starts by accusing Felipe of being too pushy, which is a bit like Lord Siralan telling someone they look like a hedgehog. The argument degenerates from who is the better salesperson, to who is better educated, to who has the bigger company. Fortunately they stop just short of dropping their trousers and comparing testicles. Though if they did, I'm sure James would be along to put his on the line.

After lunch, Daniel makes another pitch to be moved back to hot tubs. Mark and Katie resist because they have customers coming back to see them specifically. Daniel isn't willing to give up, but Katie is and hangs up on him. Daniel is left arguing with a dead phone and is still losing. 

She's gone, Daniel

Team Summit are making a last push. Bianca manages to get an announcement on the tanoy system advertising their wellies and James finally sells a lawn mower having, apparently, met someone who wants to buy a lawn mower and really doesn't want to know anything about it. But it may all be for nothing when a man who owns a holiday park buys seven hot tubs from Mark at the last minute. 

In the board room Felipe and Mark are criticised for failing to ask for discounts from the cap-bag man, and Daniel for almost blowing the pitches by charging in like a bull in a china shop. Daniel claims he addressed this in the third pitch, but Katie points out that she told him to. She also gets credit for reminding Mark and Felipe to ask for discounts. Lord Siralan keeps referring to her as 'Mum' which is a dubious compliment. The team are asked how Felipe did as PM. Surely he can count on Mark's support given he did everything Mark told him? Mark just says that they're reaching the part of the process where the nice guys suffer. Which is a bit like stabbing him in the back with a foam rubber knife.

James is still trying to claim that the lawn mowers were a business decision and not an all mighty cock up. After coming under pressure from Lord Siralan and Roisin he finally confesses and admits he called the hot-tub guy Derek twice. Though he manages to confess in a spectacularly huffy way, like a sulky teenager whose been caught not doing his homework. Lord Siralan says he should be called Trigger rather than Del Boy, but slightly spoils the joke by having to explain that Trigger kept getting Rodney's name wrong in Only Fools and Horses. Never mind Lord Siralan, one day you'll meet someone who appreciates your sense of humour.

Team Summit managed to make £4757.50, but Tenacity, no thanks to the bags and entirely thanks to the sales of ten hot tubs, make £30,115. Daniel is still pissed off about not being able sell hot tubs. I think he would actually rather have lost than won because of Mark. Fortunately, they are sent off to a boxing class with Anthony Ogogo, so Daniel can take out his aggression by actually punching something

Victory at last

In the cafe, James is still trying to justify himself. Apparently, if he had told the truth it would have gotten into the teams heads and effected their performance. Possibly not as much as completely ignoring their choice of products. Nor does it explain why he didn't confess until Roisin ratted him out to Lord Siralan.

Lord Siralan expects to hear something from Roisin, as he thinks she's been too quiet up to now. She takes advantage of the opportunity, claiming that James is patronising, difficult to work with, doesn't listen and leaves a trail of destruction behind him. James retaliates by claiming that Roisin doesn't have an instinct for business decisions, which is a bit like someone standing over a corpse with a bloody knife complaining that the police officer arrests him has terrible shoes. Nick throws James a lifeline by pointing out that Sanjay had the worst sales record and wasn't named in any of his notes. When Sanjay tries to stand up for himself, Nick just repeats "nameless" as though Sanjay's having some kind of weird flash back. James takes the hint and brings Sanjay back into the boardroom as well as Roisin because he hates her.

Roisin doesn't let up her assault on James, saying he's trying to show he's decisive but makes all the wrong decisions. In the face of this James practically breaks down, saying he wants someone, like Lord Siralan, to take them on and smooth out the rough edges. He just about avoids breaking down in tears. James has no shifted from sulky teenager to begging the headmaster's forgiveness. Flattery will get you a long way in the Apprentice, and Sanjay's poor sales and Roisin's failure to catch Lord Siralan's attention until now look like they may have saved them. But James is too much work even for Lord Siralan and gets fired.

James gets serious, not that it does any good

At the house Bianca is expecting James to come back. So that's Bianca's stupid comment of the week taken care of.

Next Time: Lord Sirlan scares the shit out of the Apprenti by turning up at the house to send them on a scavenger hunt and Daniel and Roisin get involved in a diamond heist.

Episode 8 - June 19th 2013 - the Horror!

Lord Siral gathers the Apprenti at a Registry office. He's not planning on some kind of Reverend Moon style mass wedding, instead this weeks task is for the teams to set up dating websites and make TV adverts for them. Because there aren't enough terrible dating website adverts on TV at the moment without getting a group of inept, egotistical amateurs to stumble their way through two more in less than a day.

 We are gathered here today

Lord Siral 're-balances' the teams by moving Jordan back to eam Morse. I'm not sure how 'balanced' this leaves things given that we now have a team that includes Luisa and Neil on one hand and Jason on the other. Amazingly, the newly reconstituted team Evolve make Jason the project manager, because he managed a dating website at University and because it may be the best way to avoid mutually assured destruction if Luisa and Neil both decide to go off on one.

Meanwhile, Alex things he should be PM of team Morse because he has experience running an Internet business and hasn't been project manager yet. The team consider this carefully and then put Jordan in charge, possibly to see if Alex's eyebrows will rotate if he gets angry enough. I'm not sure what the lack of trust in Alex is all about. He is the youngest candidate and looks faintly like a Vampire, but given that Luisa and Neil have been put in charge before and Jason is, amazingly, about to have a second go, it really does feel a bit extreme.

Alex is happy with the team's decision

Evolve, under Jason's leadership, decide to pursue the over 50s market. Jason is keen to do something young, trendy and vibrant. Unfortunately, this is nixed by the focus group Neil and Francesca go to see, who seem to prefer something more sedate, possibly to the point of immobile. After last weeks cock up with the caravans, no-one is keen to contradict the target market. The problem is that they are now basing the whole strategy on the opinions of three people in a pub. Plus, the over fifties aren't strictly the target market. They will be pitching to a team of 'advertising creatives' with there own pre-conceived ideas of what the over 50s want, regardless of what actual over fifties have to say on the subject.

Relaxed

Unfortunately, the focus group feedback clearly throws Jason. Having taken the name 'Friendship and Flowers' from the focus group, Jason then spends 45 minutes trying to decide on the colours for a logo that's looking increasingly like it should be for a funeral home. Jason is clearly dithering to a ridiculous degree, but it probably doesn't help that Luisa is squawking "make a decision, make a decision Jason, I can't believe you haven't made a decision," over and over again into his ear until  the words lose all meaning and it starts to feel like tinnitus. She then moans at him all the way out of the door. By the time the two of them make it to the web-designer, two hours late, Jason is so broken he lets Luisa take over. The end result looks like a printout that got cut off half way through. "Make a decision, just make a decision Jason."

"Make a decision, Jason, just make a decision"

Team Morse, meanwhile, have chosen to target young professionals. Themselves in other words. Alex and Jordan come up with the name Cufflinks, which is one of those Apprentice names where the slightly weak pun distracts them from bizarreness of the name as a whole. The task was to design a dating website and now we have a funeral home and a men's fashion boutique.

As they are their own target market, Morse don't need a focus group. Instead, Francesca and Myles wander around taking promo pictures. Unfortunately, there's two of them, one camera and they want pictures of couples. Myles suggests they get a member of the public to take photos of them, but Leah is horrified at the prospect of posing with someone as shockingly old as Myles. Honestly, he's nearly 40, he should be in a home! Instead they accost a random passer by, and Leah does her best to pretend she isn't repulsed by him.

 In no way awkward

Back with Evolve, and Jason has been so brow-beaten by Luisa that he doesn't think he is capable of making decisions any more an plans to abdicate in favour of her. Neil is less than impressed by this, thinking that its somehow against the rules, but Luisa is insistent and Jason just looks broken. Neil declares Luisa project manager, as though its some how up to him. Jason decides to re-brand this wimping out in the face of Luisa's sustained assault as courage.

 Jason takes the courageous decision

Next day and the teams have to work on TV adverts. These are always good fun, because every person on the team fancies themselves as a potential Oscar winner. This inevitably leads to fighting and a finished product that looks more like a bad short film than an advert. Francesca comes up with a fairly twee effort that's clearly unsettling Nick Hewer's stomach. Poor man, this series has done terrible damage to his digestive system. We also get the bizarre site of a middle aged woman trying to wink down the camera lens and being ambivalent about which eye to close.

 You thought I'd go left, but in the end I went right

But its nothing to the fun at team Morse. Leah and Alex have been put in charge, the team having decided to cast Alex as an example of the kind of person you would never want to date. Having decided Alex can't lead a team, they have now decided he can't get a girlfriend. But Alex throws himself into the roll with gusto. Probably too much gusto. The team wanted undatable, but they ended up with a horrifying cross between the Child Catcher, a panda and a character from a Japanese horror film. It's a performance so unsettling it reaches back through time and justifies the BBCs decision to screen every episode of the Apprentice after the watershed simply because of its association with this. Leah and Alex spend half the day fighting over camera angles, which leaves them short of footage and Alex in character for far too long.

The remainder of the teams are preparing for the big presentation in front of a group of advertising creatives. Jordan has delegated this job to Myles, while Luisa has decided to give the presentation herself, apparently solely to piss of Neil, which seems to be as good a reason to do something as anything.

Evolve go first, forcing Luisa to justify a website that consists of a logo and a single middle aged man staring blankly out at them. Apparently its a 'work in progress' presumably in the same sense that a passport photo is 'a work in progress' for Facebook. The creatives find Francesca's advert funny, but not in a good way, particularly the disturbing winking woman, who may be having a stroke.

 Work in progress

Myles is up next. But his pitch is frustratingly boring and professional. The creatives even find Alex's horrifying performance funny. The site name comes in for some criticism as does the lack of coherence between the tone of the advert and the tone of the website.

A consistent marketing strategy

With no money on the line this week, Lord Siral gets to pick the winner based on the advise of the creatives, which essentially means he can pull it out of his arse. In the boardroom, Jordan comes in for criticism for delegating everything and not doing any work himself. I bet he's regretting telling Lord Siral to try buffalo. Morse's website and advert are criticised for their inconsistent tone, but Evolve's is just twee and patronising. Lord Siral decides to give Morse the benefit of the doubt, which will rapidly transform into accusing Evolve of being totally useless.

Morse are sent off to eat £35,000 worth of caviar off the back of their hands. Alex decides it's like fish pate.

A return to the boardroom creates a problem of jurisdiction. Who is actually project manager here? Luisa and Jason claim joint responsibility, but Luisa wants to bring Neil back and Jason Francesca. Francesca is so furious about this that she volunteers to come back so that she can chew Jason out. Francescai is rapidly becoming so angry she's in danger of boiling the boardroom. This time she's angry because Jason is blaming her for the team's failure when she finished her advert and he didn't finish the website. She presumably believes the birdy song to be superior to Beethoven's 10th symphony, because Beethoven didn't get it finished.

 Back away Neil

Jason is still trying to claim that "his" decision to step down was courageous, because he put the team first. It's not looking good until Nick Hewer steps up to blame Luisa for badgering Jason, and claims it was the worst display of rudeness he'd ever seen. Suddenly Luisa is on the defensive. It might not be enough to save Jason, but Lord Siral may have marked her card. Jason is fired, but "with regret." He even calls Jason a "nice fellow," another one of his oddly twee expressions.

Luisa and Francesca return to the hourse where Alex declares the remaining Apprenti the "magnificent seven", not sure magnificent is the word I would use, but I think there's a decent chance most of them will end up dead.

Next Time: The teams produce ready meals and... HOLY FUCK!

Episode 8 - May 9th 2012 - Street Art

Last time I suggested that the Apprenti would be getting a briefing in a post-acolyptic wasteland. It turns out this wasn't true, but only just. In fact they are packed off to Waterloo station where the disembodied head of Lord Siralan informs them he was too busy to turn up in person. Washing his hair no doubt. The Apprenti may be wondering why they have been called there, he says. I assumed he was going to blow up the exits and leave them sealed in to fight mutants with sticks for a bite of the last rat. Sadly, this turns out not to be the case. The true answer is on the walls around them. No, they won't be flogging reclaimed bricks, but "street art."

 Remain indoors

It's the art task! Each team has to choose two artists to represent and will then sell their art at a one day gallery opening in Brick Lane. This is the second time Brick Lane has featured in this series, does Lord Siralan have a bunch of properties there or something? Just to add to the fun, the artists are split bewteen Bristol and London and so the teams will be split up to go and meet them.

Stephen puts himself forward as head of team Stirling, which should be good for a laugh if (definitely) nothing else. But he faces a challenge from Gabrielle, deciding to be in the program this week, who has experience working with artists, representing artists, organising galleries, selling art, etc, etc. This makes Stephen look, somehow, even more ineffectual than usual and even he ends up voting for her. Still, it's better than last week when Nick was voted team leader ahead of Ricky simply because he's closer to being a human being.

Over on team Phoenix, Tom has stuck his head over the parapet. Apparently, he is something of a street art collector and waxes on at length about his knowledge. Tom has been one of the more competent candidates, quietly totting up figures in the background and, usually, spotting when one of the other candidates is making a stupid decision. I quite like him because of his inability to hide his disgust at the idiocy of the people around him. But, let's just say he isn't blessed with the ability to communicate enthusiasm. Or, alternatively, he sounds a bit like a artificial voice synthesiser that has been slowed down and broadcast through someones nose as they quietly drift off to sleep. He can also be, just a bit, arrogant and patronising. especially when he feels the need to explain to the others that no-one knows the real identity of Banksy.

That said, it's hard to go wrong by overestimating Adam's level of ignorance. Not only did he not know this about Banksy, but he struggles to get his head around the concept until he realises that it's essentially the same as the Stigg. Actually, Adam is in one of least annoying modes today. Having previously known nothing about street art, instead of treating it with casual disdain, he jumps in with boyish enthusiasm, deciding to voice his interpretation of everything he sees. He lets out a stream of absolute toss when visiting Bristol-based artist SPQR. SPQR, who is somewhat anti-establishment, looks at Adam and Jane like they're the first people he wants to put up against a wall when the revolution comes.

In addition to the hordes of anonymous Brick Lane trendies, the teams will also be pitching to specially selected corporate clients, looking for a bit of art for their walls. With that in mind, Tom is meeting with Renault to sort out their requirements. They want something modern, trendy and with lots of style. Tom also notes their budget and the amount of space they have to work with. Meanwhile, Gabrielle is meeting with her corporate client, a Gin distiller, who want something best of British. Gabrielle is highly enthusiastic, you can tell because she has started to shriek, but doesn't bother to get details of their budget or wall space.

In fact, Gabrielle's whole approach seems to consist of fawning all over the artists like an MP at a News International Party. Flattery seems to get you everywhere in the art world, as the artists are clearly warming to her. Faced with former builder Nathan Bowen and his intriguing scribble people she goes nuts, probably because he used Union Jacks (someone had to think they were fashionable). Meanwhile, in Bristol, Ricky and Nick are looking at the work of the exact same artist and deciding they hate it.

 I knew they were in

Actually, Ricky and Nick are proving to be quite an entertaining double act. They manage to have an earnest debate of whether they should take off their ties or not, and then a further debate over whether they should consult with Gabrielle on this issue. Word of advice guys, you are no way going to look like part of the art world regardless of what you do with your ties.

 Steady on there Tom! Don't get too excited!

In London, Tom thinks he has hit on the mother lode, an artist called Pure Evil who specialises in bold, Lichtenstein-esque images of crying women. The artist actually looks quite dull for the embodiment of all that is vile and base. Perhaps he's making a statement about the banality of evil? Either that or the look he's going for is of a faintly dodgy PE teacher who wonders into the boys changing rooms when they're showering one too many times for it to be purely accidental. Tom decides to impress him with his knowledge of the street art scene, waxing lyrical about the artists he likes. I think he's trying to convey an air of expertise and competence, but the effect is to make him look like a know-all. Vague Evil is not impressed, not that Tom has picked up on this. He's so excited his voice almost, slightly changes tone. Then Gabrielle wonders in like an overexcited Three year old on speed flavour ice-cream and starts banging on about how much she loves the art, as well as puppies, kittens and rainbows. Pure Cotton is clearly smitten.

 The Face of Evil

Tom has gone on to meet James Jessop, an artist who seems to be on the same wavelength as him. Which is to say both of them sound like they couldn't give two shits about the other. Jessop specialises in huge, B-Movie style posters pieces that fill a wall and sell for £10,000 a time. Tom doesn't much like his work and thinks he wouldn't be able to sell it in any case. He settles on Pure Evil and Copyright, a Bristol based artist in front of whom Adam inhas been embarrassing himself.

Grrr!

But, disaster strikes for Tom. Gabrielle has also chosen Pure Evil, as well as Nathan Bowen and Mr Evil has chosen Gabrielle. Sorry, but competence and knowledge doesn't cut it when compared to flattery and keen-ness. Still, if these artists knew about sales they wouldn't be getting other people to flog their work. Tom looks devastated, or as devastated as he is capable of looking. With no backup plan, and less than favourable reviews for SPQR, he decides to take a risk on James Jessop, reasoning that even one sale could win them the task. He also thinks that Pure Evil must be mad to go with the other team. Possibly true, but he is sounding a little bit like a stalker jealous of his target's new boyfriend.

With artists chosen, or reluctantly forced on them, the teams now have to set up their galleries for the big night. Adam and Jade are shocked to discover the size of James Jessop's work, while Ricky and Nick discover that Gabrielle actively went out and selected an artist they hated. As that artist is coming down to do some live drawing, they should probably keep that opinion to themselves. But Stephen has had a brilliant idea inspired by Banksy. Why not keep the artists out back where no-one can see him? Possibly because it looks like they haven't got the artist and just have someone scribbling randomly out back?

Once the night gets going, Tom is desperate to sell a Jessop (which sounds like a euphemism for something). He ends up asking someone "what would it take for you take this away?" About 10 grand of someone else's money seems the obvious answer. Laura, meanwhile, is struggling with sales. She 's trying for soft self, but seems to be just asking everyone if they're having a good time, like a host at a party, if you're generous, or someones Mum at a school disco, if you're not. Meanwhile, Adam is flogging art just like its a market stall. "Come and get you're art. Going cheap. Two for a fiver." It seems to be working, but possibly only because of sheer novelty value.

Tom takes some time out of his Jessop shifting (nudge, nudge) to schmooze his corporate clients. They seem reasonably taken with Copyright's work. Meanwhile, at Stirling, everyone is so busy get excited about the art that they've completely forgotten their corporate clients. They arrive and there's no-one to meet them and no drinks on the door. Finally Stephen blunders over. Frankly, they'd have been better off left alone. Stephen witters on for a while about art and doesn't introduce them to the team or the artist. He finally offers them a drink, but laughs in their face when they ask for a gin and tonic. The clients are left wandering off into the night. Not that Gabrielle has noticed, she's far too busy flogging art. Low cost art is shifting well and Banal Evil has proven popular. On the other, by the end of the evening it's not clear if Tom has shifted any of James Jessop's work at all.

 Satisfied Customers

In the boardroom Tom is, predictably, in trouble for losing Pure Tedium and for his failure to flog Jessop's billboard sized works. It turns out, in the end he didn't manage to shift any. But, his defence, that he took a gamble, always plays well with Lord Siralan.

Over on Stirling's side, Gabrielle and Stephen are in trouble for the poor treatment of the corporate client and failure to find out what their budget was. Gabrielle tries to claim she did this on purpose. Maybe she disapproves of alcohol and actively wanted to sabotage them? Frankly this is as plausible as the bollocks she comes out with. When it's revealed that they had a budget of £10,000 and Stephen was trying to flog them £500 prints, his response is to claim that the budget was "news to me." This is another trademark Stephen truth-lie. It is technically true, but creates the misleading impression that his lack of knowledge wasn't entirely his own fault.

Stirling sold nothing to the corporate client, while Tom flogged his clients £2000 of Copyright's work. But alas, thanks to the acquisition of cheaper art, Stirling edge ahead by £171. Tom looks broken, even Lord Siralan looks pissed. Don't worry your chance to eviscerate Stephen in the boardroom will come soon. Stirling are sent on a treat that involves covering them in paint and hurling them at a wall. Possibly an experiment in exactly what idiots will do if you tell them its supposed to be fun.

Tom looks half dead. Can't say I blame him, however you spin it the crucial mistakes were down to him. If he'd gotten Dilute Evil or had a better backup artist they could have won. As it is, he will have to trade on his past record and the fact that Lord Siralan likes a gambler. Tom is quickly castigated for taking the wrong tone with the artist and coming across as a know-it-all. Tom looks suitably shame-faced. Lord Siralan is, predictably, sympathetic to Tom's gambling ways and it's looking good so far. Tom's striking the right note of humility. But of course someone has to be fired and Tom is thrown a lifeline when it is revealed that Laura's sales were half that of Jade or Adam. Laura says she was out of her comfort zone. But Lord Siralan points out that Adam was even further out and rose to the occasion. Lets not go over board, Adam managed to go for one week without being totally unbearable. But Lord Siralan seems to have taken a liking to him for some unfathomable reason, which leads me to believe that Adam may in fact just be a figment of Lord Siralan's imagination given horrible form.

Tom has to make his final pick and goes with Jade and Laura. He can hardly pick Adam as he made the most sales and his decisiveness is quickly contrasted with Jade's dithering last week. With Adam gone, Laura is an obvious target but then Tom turns on Jade. Apparently she gave him bad advice about SPQR and now he thinks that he and Adam would have done just as well without her. Steady on Tom, this is starting to sound like bitterness from last week. I'm liking Tom a lot less at the moment. Still he is looking safe.

But then something goes wrong. Tom justifies himself by claiming he runs a million pound business having only been out of University for two years. Talking about your outside success rarely plays well, but Lord Siralan's reaction here is, frankly, bizarre. Apparently Tom's external success means he isn't serious about the process. If he's turning over a million pound plus he clearly can't want Lord Siralan's poxy 250 grand. He's just here to point and laugh or something. Tom looks a mixture of flabbergasted and horrified. For a multi-millionaire Lord Siralan is remarkably insecure. Is Tom set to go, if so it would be a remarkable upset. But no, at the last minute Laura gets the boot. The only thing that saved Tom was his gambling ways, apparently, which suggests that the best way to win Lord Siralan's favour is to blow all your budget on lottery tickets.

NEXT TIME: The teams re-brand British sparkling wine. Britane? Alcoholic Grape-ade? The candidates all seem to have taken advantage of too many freebies and Tom forgets what he's saying in the middle of a sentence.