Week One - October 14th 2014 - Ten years of tat

It's been ten years since the Apprentice began. We know this because the narrator keeps telling us. After ten years Lord Siralan Sugar is looking a bit weary and confused, like he can't quite remember what he's supposed to be doing.

 What?

With this being the first episode, we're treated to some obligatory business bollocks from the candidates up front. Ella Jade claims "the future belongs to people who believe in the beauty of their dreams," whatever that means. Steven says "my idea will make Lord Sugar a fortune and change the world. That's not arrogant because it's all true." Good to see your arrogance is backed up by concrete fact. James says "I would give myself a 9/10 for attractiveness." But, as anyone who seen Kung Fu Panda knows, there is no charge for attractiveness.

My favourite is probably Scott's "everyone sees a friend in me, but they don't see me coming at them from behind." A statement that manages to sound like a euphemism and proclaims that he is a lying, deceiving back stabber at the same time. Exactly the sort of person you would want to do business with.

 A gratuitous shot of the Shard, they'll be a lot of these

Having dragged 16 candidate in the boardroom, Lord Siral promises to do things differently this year and brings in 4 more. Which comes as a shock to no-one except the candidates themselves, given they've been all over the BBC website, assorted newspapers and magazines for weeks. But there will only be 12 shows. So, Lord Siral, claims he may choose to fire more than one candidate a week. I think he's confusing the words may and must, unless he's planning to have four candidates left over to use as draft-excluders.

The first task is a bog standard sales task. But Lord Siral has given the Apprenti all the products from the week one sales tasks from the last ten years, from lemons, to cleaning products, to coffee to T-shirts. Will all the tasks be a mashup of previous years tasks? I want to see one where they have to design a beer powered exercise app that protects parents from bathwater or sell caravans at a wedding fair.

The candidati are divided into boys and girls, because we're doing things differently this series. Why not divide them by height, or alphabetically or rock/paper/scissors or something? But they do have to choose a project manager straight away. The boys decide that the sales people should concentrate on selling and appoint Felipe, a lawyer, to be manager. The girls decide to go the opposite way and make Sarah a project manager because she can apparently sell ice to the Eskimos, a statement backed up by no evidence at all.

On the way to their temporary apprentice house, we hear the project manager's strategies. Felipe's is apparently to talk about himself in the third person. Apparently "Felipe is a dreamer who believes everything is possible." At this point I'm not sure if the small columbian man on the screen is actually Felipe, or just his representative and the real Felipe is hiding in a basement somewhere communicating all his ideas through an earpiece.

Sarah's plan is to make everyone like her. She goes about this by telling the girls that they will do better at selling because "females" look nicer and insisting they all where short skirts and lots of make up. Interesting, we've had comedy 1970s sexist candidates before, but they've usually been men.

Felipe does the all important cereal inventory

The first task, after Robert has finished complaining about the lack of show curtains and wardrobe space, is to come up with team names. The boys suggest "Dynamic" and "Viper" before Daniel suggests "Summit." With his accent this sounds pretty much like he's trying to say "something" prompting obvious jokes. Well I'm not going to be obvious. I'm just going to enjoy the thought of the candidates stranded miles from anywhere in a freezing cold location where no-one can hear or see them. But the team decide to go with it and Daniel reckons this is evidence that everyone will listen to him. He says there's no I in team, but there are five in "Individual brilliance." This is true, but there are also five I's in "irritating shit-stick." Make of that what you will.

The girls decide to call themselves "Decadence." Nurun suggests it. She doesn't really know what it means, but she likes that it sounds a bit like decade. If you're going down that route why not team Decapod or Decathalon or Decoration? Or just call them team Decade and have done with it?

Next morning, and I mean morning Felipe is dragged out of bed at 4.30 to answer the phone in his pyjamas,  the team are packed off to Leadenhall market to pick up their stuff and brainstorm.

Both teams quickly hit on the idea of adding value to their products. Sarah thinks they can do this by cutting the lemons into slices, making lots of tiny, thin lemons. The rest of the team thinks is a terrible idea. What about selling coffee? But Sarah doesn't think the team has understood, what if they cut the lemons into small slices? No. We could print something on the t-shirts. But guys, what if we take a knife and slice the lemons? NO!

Team Summit also want to print on the t-shirts, but like the idea of selling gourmet hot dogs instead of coffee. Felipe divides the team based on sales and management experience. He puts Chiles Cartwright, presumably the result of a merger between Giles Cartwright and Charles Cartwright, in charge of a sub-team. At team Decadence, Sarah is finding all this management stuff too confusing an divides the team down the middle across the table.

Roison and her sub team are sent to print t-shirts, but don't know what to print on them. They settle on #London, because that's pretty much what a slogan is these days, a word with a hashtag in front of it.

Meanwhile, Sarah's team have set up their coffee stall, though there seems to be some disagreement over the division of labour, with Sarah taking a lot of orders, but not making any coffee because she has to manage the whole team. She admits that this will annoy some people, but that's the way it goes. So much for making everyone like her.

But there is soon a crisis demanding Sarah's attention. She gets a phone call from Roisin saying the team didn't bring any "seed capital" to the printer. After figuring out that that means money, the team have to rush across London to pick up some cash so they can pay the printer. But it does give them the chance to stop at a restaurant on route and sell some potatoes, leading to the faintly comic sight of two women in skirts and high heels trying to drag a back of potatoes across London.

 Running in heels with potatoes

At least team Decadence are selling something. Thanks to Robert, a "creative" candidate who owns a collection of stupid jackets and who doesn't believe in socks, they have decided their hot dogs must be gourmet. This has lead to the hot dog sub-team being trapped in an organic supermarket until midday arguing about ingredients.

 Socks are for the weak

Chiles sub-team isn't doing much better. They seem to be doing a lot of running, and dropping a sponge in the process, but not actually getting anywhere. When they eventually make it to the printers they spend over an hour deciding on a design before settling on "buy this T-shirt," which actually manages to beat team Decadence for sheer creative bankruptcy.

 Dropping the sponge

With time to kill before the t-shirts are ready, Steven thinks they should sell the potatoes at a nearby shop apparently famous for its mash potato. Given that Steven thinks that his business idea will change the world, he may have a slightly dubious relationship with facts. But I like him because he sounds like a cross between a dance choreographer and a few good men, and because he disagrees with the rest of the team about everything. Chiles decides to make a "fundamental" decision to ignore Steven and try to flog balloons to a party firm, pausing only to pick up the sponge they dropped earlier.

...and picking it up again

At the balloon pitch, Mark emphasises the importance of letting him speak and that no-one should interrupt him. A statement not so much asking for trouble as setting up a TV talent show with 20 million viewers scouting for trouble. Surprisingly, it isn't Steven, but James, who can't stop putting his oar in. In the end Chiles decides to apologise on behalf of his pet Northerner.

Decadence coffee has packed up for the day and Sarah has decided to try and sell cleaning products to a zoo. Why a zoo? Possibly because she just wanted to take a trip there. Though this does lead to the odd image of five business women in skirts and heels trying to sell a bucket of cleaning gear to two zoo employees next to a penguin enclosure like they're some kind of very odd exhibit. Sarah reckons the zoo is getting a bargain as she's knocked down the price of the cleaning products from a random figure of £300 to a still random but lesser amount of £250. She's not sure if the products are eco-friendly, but thinks they shouldn't be given to the penguins. I don't think Sarah understand how zoos work. The animals are not employees and, generally, aren't expected to do any cleaning.

 The outcome of a brilliant pitch

Having spent all day waiting for the T-shirts to be printed, neither team has any time to actually sell them. Decadence tries to recoup some of their losses by selling them back to the printer for £60, when they paid £150 to get them printed. Ella-Jade protests "We were going to sell them for £10 each." "But you didn't though," observes the printer.

But its better than team Summit, who have given up on the T-shirts completely in order to sell potatoes to a restaurant. James calls them "paris mipers" and Steven thinks they're less a potato than an experience (and that they "shine in the glistening sun." Is that a good thing?), but they still get £75 for them. They then charge into another restaurant and offer to clean the windows, looking like a cross between a cub scout pack and a protection racket.

 "Let us clean your windows mate. You wouldn't want them to get 'dirty' if you know what I mean."

The rest of team Summit have set up an off flower and lemon stall. Daniel seems to be doing well and Scott tries to follow his lead, though he seems to have missed the subtle distinction between cheeky flirting and just plain creepy. Meanwhile, team Decadence round off the day by flogging potatoes and, unsliced, lemons to a restaurant.

Don't make eye contact

Back in the boardroom Lord Siral makes the obvious joke about Team Summit's name, but the team agrees that Felipe was a good project manager. Team Decadence put the collective boot into Sarah and Lord Siral decides their team name is unacceptable after Nick says it implies decay, decline and moral turpitude. Given the name was going to be rejected, they could at least have really gone for it and called themselves 'Team Communism', 'Team Occupy' or 'Team Alan Sugar is a tedious old git'.

After ten years, we all know how this series works. Whichever team gets the most criticism before the result is announced is bound to have won and so it proves to be, the girls win £753.50 to £696.70. The girls are sent to the London Eye to recreate the first Apprentice team treat from ten years ago. Sarah has at least enough sense to not try to claim any credit and Ella-Jade says they should learn from their mistakes, presumably by not letting Sarah do anything ever again.

Back at the boardroom, Filipe has decided to blame everything on Steven because no-one likes him and Chiles said it was his fault. Lord Siral concedes that Steven is an irritant, but thinks Summit's failure was down to wasting time over hot dogs and leaving the t-shirts at the printers. He also warns Felipe that he will frown upon a decision to bring someone back for the wrong reasons. So Felipe brings back Chiles because he left the t-shirts at the printers and Robert because he doesn't have socks, and insisted on adding pointless extras to the hot dogs.

 An irritant

Lord Siral thinks Fillipe didn't manage and Robert is arty-farty. But Karen says Chiles didn't sell anything. Robert claims that the hot dog task was delegated to him, so it's basically still Fillipe's fault. Fillipe still thinks he was an excellent manager. Its early in the process and he is still finding the strengths and weaknesses of the team and the T-shirts are all Chiles fault. Lord Siral is fed up of talking about t-shirts and hot dogs, so maybe he shouldn't have asked the teams to sell them?

Chiles is fired because Lord Siral decides the T-shirts were his fault, but lets Robert and Felipe off because their jointly responsible for the t-shirts.

Steven, meanwhile, is managing to complain about being interrupted back at the house and everyone is convinced that Chiles is coming back. So they had that wrong. Filipe reckons that boardroom is the worst experience you will every have. Personally, if being moaned at by a grumpy old hedgehog from behind a glass table is the worst experience of my life I'll consider myself very lucky.

NEXT TIME: The teams design dresses with lights on them, everyone shouts at Scott and someone is a complete and utter shambles

Episode 1 - May 7th 2013 - Container

Apparently this is a difficult time to be looking for investment, but I'm not sure that's a good reason to be putting up with 12 weeks of abuse from a creature half-hobbit and half-brillo pad, but here are sixteen more volunteers. We get off to a cracking start when Zeehan claims to take inspiration from Napoleon, which presumably means he plans to be beaten by half of Europe and exiled to a small island. This is followed by some fantastic examples of corporate bollo-speak from the rest. Though to be fair, this was probably prompted by a producer asking them "what's the worst possible thing you could say at this point?" before rolling the camera.

 An unbelievable offer

Lord Siralan has dragged them to the boardroom at midnight, because nothing gets the business juices flowing like sleep deprivation. He has apparently read all the CVs and thinks its all bullshit and that actions are more important than words, which leaves us wondering why they needed extensive auditions when they could have grabbed sixteen random people off the street? Still we're moving quickly this year, there's barely time for any snarky remarks before he's demanding to know who will be project managers.

Jaz volunteers for the girls almost before he's finished asking the question. Jason, somewhat more cautiously throws his cap into the ring for the boys. He may be trying to prove something as Lord Siralan didn't sound impressed when he admitted to having spent years studying ancient Greek. He always claims not to care about anyone's background, but Lord Al is remarkably touchy about anyone having any formal education beyond which way round to hold a pencil.

The teams are being sent out to the docks to collect some shipping containers full of stuff to sell, all of which must be gone by 4pm the next day, which makes it sound like it may involve contraband or narcotics. In the end, the teams are presented with a collection of water bottles, cat litter, toilet rolls, bubble wrap, leather jackets, and lucky waving cats. Possibly less about shifting contraband and more cleaning out the cupboards at Sugar towers.

But before that the teams need names. The girls reject Asteroid, possibly sensibly given its association with things crashing and burning and settle on Evolve, while the boys come up with Endeavour, which is likely to get ITV's legal team on the case.

The newly christened teams try to divy up stock and come up with a strategy. Jaz is full of enthusiasm but not much else and the girls feel patronised. But if Jaz is a teacher, Jason is the slightly pathetic teacher left repeating himself while the class talks over him. He delegates sub-team management to Neil, a man who doesn't understand the difference between beard and chest hair. He also thinks that Jason has surrendered team leadership to him, which suggests he doesn't understand hierarchies either.

The freshly divided sub teams set off with a van each and a copy of the yellow pages because the Internet doesn't exist in Sugar world. Both teams try to get rid off the water first. Rebecca thinks she's a brilliant salesperson who won't stop until she's made a deal, but she seems slightly shocked when the pub owner she's talking to says he doesn't sell a lot of water. "What you don't want to buy whatever I want to sell you at whatever price I want to charge?"

For team Morse, Alex is pitching water to a coach company. By which I mean trying to sell it, not throwing it at their heads, though the later is not unlikely on this show. Alex is a typical Apprentice type; 22 but looks twice that and Managing Director of his own company which probably sells buttons out of his Mum's bedroom or something. He also has a face like a 1970s Doctor Who villain and eyebrows like evil caterpillars. Despite this, he comes across as moderately good humoured and likable, possible because of his welsh accent which isn't ideally suited for self-important bollocks.

 Alex Mills - Company Director... of EVIL

He manages to shift the water by charging 12p a bottle, which is the same price they pay their regular supplier which means they're not so much doing a deal as doing him a favour. Evolve, meanwhile have managed to shift their water to a chain of American diners.

Jason's team are trying to get rid of the horrifying gold, waving cats to a casino. The manager is reluctant until Myles, who looks a bit like Jeremy Kyle doing an advert for 'Just for men', offers to throw in the batteries. At first I thought this was a clever way to make two sales at once until I realised they didn't have any batteries, and the team are left desperately scrounging around for some before unpackaging all the cats and installing them in a car park. There's going the extra mile to make a sale and there's taking a three week walking holiday in the Lake District.

 By men for men

But team Evolve aren't doing much better with their cats. Jaz has lead them to China town, which is rather like driving up to an igloo with an ice maker. Plus, no-one in China town is up yet. Jaz's team are left wandering Oxford street trying to get rid of Union Jack mugs, which is about as hopeless a task as trying to sell lucky cats in Chinatown. When it looks like they've made a sale, Jaz actually hugs the guy, until it's revealed that he isn't actually the manager and the manager has quite enough cheap shit with flags painted on it.

 Saw them coming

At Battersea Dogs and Cats home, Neil has delegated the sales pitch to Zeehan, which according to his logic should mean he has given up all control of the team. Except, letting Zee lead the sales pitch actually means shouting over his shoulder. Because or in spite of the pitch the team still manages to clear a sale.

With the end of the day fast approaching, Rebecca manages to redeem herself somewhat by flogging the bubble wrap and toilet rolls to an office supply depot. Jason, meanwhile is left trying to get rid of ukuleles, has he considered throwing them in a bush? Remarkably, a passing music shop leads to an eleventh hour sale.

Back in the boardroom, neither team seems much impressed by their project managers. Neil reckons he pretty much lead the team. Though he put in such a memorable performance that Alex calls him Liam. But when the figures are totted up, Team Morse comes ahead by £58. Remarkably, winning the task isn't enough for Tim who, stung by Lord Siralan's earlier criticisms, feels the need to make a speech. Candidates have talked their way in and out of the boardroom and even into being fired, but trying it after having won is certainly a new one.

By way of reward they are packed off to their temporary home, which looks like a large shed wedged between two nicer houses but is actually quite impressive on the inside, incorporating a massive stair well that looks ideal for plummeting to your doom. While the boys enjoy a slap up feast, the girls are packed off to the usual cafe. Given that the boardroom showdown isn't until the next day, this suggest the uncomfortable possibility that they were left driving around the streets until the boys were finished, like unwanted parents at a teenagers birthday party.

 Death Plunge

Next day in the boardroom, the sub-team is determined that they won't take the fall as they made the bulk of the teams profit. But Uzma comes under fire for not having sold anything. She argues that she was handling logistics, but this isn't enough to keep her out of the final three. Sophie is also dragged in. She spotted that trying to sell lucky cats in China Town was a dumb idea, but didn't actually get any sales and spent most of the day whinging.

Capricious as ever, Lord Siralan decides that logistics is actually a thing this week and that Uzma is being scape-goated. Sophie is looking under pressure but in the end its Jaz who gets fired. Apparently she caused 'mayhem' if you define mayhem as four women on a shopping trip.

The girls return to the house where the remaining candidates appear to be having a pyjama party.

Next Time: Twice in one week, we are really being spoiled. The teams attempt to produce flavoured beer and end up with something closer to chemical warfare, and Jason is a 'silly shit' according to Alex.