Week Six - Bored of Games

It's 6am and the candidates are dragged out of bed and told to assemble at HMS Belfast. James says "that's the Army." No James, it isn't. The clue is in the big boat. So what tenuous link will there be between the location and the task this week? Apparently Battleships, like HMS Belfast, inspired the board game Battleships and this week the teams have to design board games. Come on Lord Siral, you could have been more imaginative than that. What about meeting them in a giant shoe? Or while being clubbed over the head with a candlestick in a Library? Or halfway up a Ladder while fighting off snakes?

Army Boat

There will be no shuffling of the teams this week and Mark and Lauren seem extremely reluctant to be Team Tenacity Project Manager. Mark has no family and has never played a board game. I'm waiting for the Revelation that he was raised in the outback by Kangaroos or something. Pamela more or less gets bullied into the job. Meanwhile, Team Summit have somehow picked James?! For the second week in a row we get no hint as to how Summit picked the PM. Which has me wondering if it involves some elaborate and disturbing hazing ritual that can't be broadcast on TV for reasons of taste and decency.

The teams try to come up with board game ideas, most of which essentially boil down to charades. I'm not sure the teams have quite grasped the concept of a board game. Roisin comes up with something that sounds dull and complicated involving guessing countries. But to be fair, Roisin could make an orgy sound dull and complicated. Over at Tenacity Mark suggests a board game based on dating websites because this hasn't been done. Two points, there hasn't been a game based on the Holocaust, but it doesn't make it a good idea, and, secondly, given Mark claimed to know nothing about board games, how does he know this?

The teams are split up to visit focus groups. James and Bianca see a bunch of parents and children, but clearly they had nothing interesting or amusing to say as we don't hear any of it. Meanwhile, Mark, Lauren and Felipe speak to a group of board game enthusiasts in a pub. The latter have been lit in such a way as to make their skin looking pastier and more unsightly than it already is and they're all men. The program seems to be trying to send the message "these people are massive nerds". They are not impressed with the idea of a relationship game which they think could be sleazy. Though the way the program is presenting them, we're probably supposed to think they're just terrified of women.

Not a nerd

The sub-team report their findings back to Pamela. Mark concedes that they may not be the teams demographic. Given that these are serious board game fans used to playing games that have been developed and play tested over a period of months, they probably aren't the demographic for a game knocked up in two days by a group of people who aren't even sure what a board is. Pamela decides to ignore the focus group because sometimes you just do that. Plus she really like the idea. The sub-team nod sagely and agree and then got off the phone and discuss what a stupid mistake Pamela has just made.

Roisin is explaining her Geography game, GeoKnow, to a designer. But as this is incredibly boring we'll go back to Team Tenacity where Mark is trying to come up with questions for the newly christened "Relationship Guru". The game has now become a basic set of vaguely relationship themed trivia questions that are totally subjective and designed by a sexist lunatic. Example question: "Men think women should? a) Iron b) Smile more c) Always be happy"

The other halves of the teams have moved on to taking photos for the box covers. James and Bianca find it impossible to get on. James interrupts everything Bianca says and thinks any attempt to express an opinion is insubordination. On the other hand, Mark, Lauren and Felipe are working together brilliantly and the result is a photo of a man leaning on a giant pair of lips ineffectively trying to seduce a bored woman sitting on a throne while a disembodied arm either mimes "OK" or awards them 0 points. Pamela thinks this doesn't convey the games humorous theme. Maybe not, but certainly conveys the bat-shit insanity of most of the questions. Team Summit don't like their box cover much either. Solomon thinks it looks like a family about to be run over by a taxi.

James decides Bianca needs a good telling off to put her in her place as she is getting too big for her boots. This backfires a bit when she defends herself and refuses to let him speak until she has had her say. This is funny to watch, especially because Bianca is sitting on the kitchen counter while she's doing it, which makes it look a bit like a magic pixie has arrived to abuse James.

 Taking the moral counter top

The next day the games arrive and the teams try them out. Things do not go well for Tenacity as no-one likes the game, even Daniel and he wrote the questions. Summit have more success, except for James who struggles to understand the rules, shouting "I am an American" in what sounds like a terrible attempt at an Italian accent. Hopefully you don't have to understand the game in order to sell it.

Having tried the games themselves, the teams try them with their target audience. As it's too late to make any changes now, this is really just a way to torture the candidates. A group of Primary School children love Geoknow, though this may be because the alternative is double maths. They manage to figure out the rules, which puts them ahead of James. Meanwhile, a group of adults hate Relationship Guru. Daniel's defence has shifted. He is now claiming that he hated the questions when he wrote them, but Pamela liked them. To clarify, he is saying that he deliberately wrote questions he hated because he thought Pamela would like them.

Having and offensive and sexist time

With gaming sessions complete, the teams now have to try and sell the games to some shops. Roisin gives James some last minute pointers on the rules, which he is, amazingly, still struggling to grasp. They pitch the to Toys 'R Us, who seem to like the game, but want to pay less than the £14.50 James wants. Roisin tries to say something but James cuts her off. Maybe he's just figured out the rules and doesn't want to be distracted. He sells 30 copies for £10 each. Meanwhile, Sanjay manages to sell 15 copies for £17.50 each. James is delighted and claims "we" have made back the money lost at Toys 'R Us. There's no "we" James. What you mean is that Sanjay just saved your arse.

Meanwhile, Summit are having a more difficult time. Representative of Waterstones thinks the questions are offensive and sexist. Daniel agrees that it is a quirky game, so he's agreeing with something different from what they actually said. At least he doesn't claim he wouldn't play the game himself. Waterstones don't buy any.

At Toys 'R Us, Mark, amazingly, persuades them to take 60 copies for £8 each. Given that they also think the questions are awful and the target market is completely wrong, I'm not sure how he did this. He seems to just claim that the game is suitable for all ages in blatant defiance of the obvious facts. Perhaps they edited out the scene where he pulled out his hypno-watch or just straight up offered them a bribe?

James is pitching at another shop who agree to take a few copies on condition of exclusivity within the Hampstead post code. James gets on the phone to the other team to make sure they haven't sold any copies in Hampstead. They haven't, but, unfortunately, this gives Bianca an idea. At the next shop they go in, she offers exclusivity for the whole Westminster area in return for an order of six copies. James is furious, though mostly because he never gave her the authority to offer exclusivity. Because whether the team wins or loses is less important than Bianca having a clear understanding of the chain of command.

James is enthusiastic about Bianca's performance

Mark is selling well, but it seems to be going to his head and he is now claiming that Katie and Pamela are his Apprentices. He then goes into a pitch and claims that you don't have to be a "rocket surgeon" to play the game. It's a tricky business rocket surgery. One wrong move and you can cause serious brain damage and an explosion. Speaking of rockets, Daniel tries to flog a few copies to Forbidden Planet who pass, which is a surprise. A trivia game from a bizarre alternate universe seems like an excellent fit for their market.

 Possibly a bit far-fetched

Solomon tries to sell to Waterstone and is badly hamstrung by the exclusivity clause Bianca "negotiated" (or gave away like she was handing out free t-shirts). He manages to make a sale, but has to offer a big discount because Waterstones won't be able to sell the game in their largest store, the one they are currently sitting in.

With only a few minutes left there is time for a few last minutes sales. Sales "genius" Daniel manages to shift 10. Will James be able to match? He has found a shop that's interested, but finds the exclusivity rules bizarre. They would only be able to sell the game online. James refuses to budge on shifting the last 31 copies and, for once, it works. The frustrating thing about James stubborn and brash approach does work in some situations, but James has no idea how to tailor his approach to his audience.

We're back with Lord Siralan, so brace yourself for this weeks hilarious quip. "From board games to the board room." My sides! 

To business and James is so excited that he can't stop himself from interrupting everyone, including Lord Siralan which is incredibly stupid. Bianca says that James management style was dictatorial, but her criticism is slightly undermined by the colossal stupidity of her exclusivity deal for Westminster. She admit it was a mistake and apparently meant to say "post code" and not "borough". Because, having said the wrong word there was no way she could say "sorry I meant postcode" or anything like that. I said Bianca was a magic pixie once she has said something she is bound by it for all eternity.

Lord Siralan wants to know why Pamela ignored the market research that called the idea terrible. She claims she made a "decisive decision". That's a relief, I would hate to think she made an indecisive one. Lord Siralan finds the questions amusing, but not in a good way. He says "you couldn't make it up". Which is a bit of an odd comment given that Daniel quite obviously did.

Unsurprisingly, Summit win this one with total sales of £2080 to Tenacity's £1112. Lord Siralan seems actively pissed off that he can't fire James and tells him he still has a lot to learn. James nods seriously and then ignores this completely, claiming he's shown Lord Siralan he can do it and "he really believes in me now". I'd love to know what planet James is living on, because they clearly speak a completely different language there, and don't understand tone of voice, body language or facial expressions. 

Back with team Tenacity, Pamela is still blaming Daniel for the terrible questions and he is still blaming her for making him write the questions.

In the boardroom, Lord Siralan criticises Mark and Lauren for not putting themselves forward as project manager. Given that Mark volunteered last week, this feels like reaching for criticism of the one member of the team who acquitted himself well. In fact Lord Siralan is bizarrely hostile to Mark overall and makes a borderline offensive crack about "waltzing Matlida". I'm not sure what Mark has done to piss him off, not laugh at his "board room" pun? Mark's previous confidence is short and he even lets Daniel get in a crack about a great number two not necessarily making a great number one. Is Daniel calling him shit? It's a bit hard to tell.

 Mark is feeling less confident all of a sudden

Pamela claims that Daniel and Lauren both "sat on the fence" and we're difficult to work with. Daniel, in a bullish mood now because Lord Siralan is criticising Mark, points out that it's difficult to be both. Not that Lord Sirlan thinks much of Daniel, he thinks he is delusional and a fantasist. Daniel at least remembers not to agree.

Pamela brings Daniel and Lauren back into the board room, an idea she definitely didn't get from Mark. She claims Daniel hasn't pulled his weight and is disruptive. It's hard to argue with the second point, but it can't be easy to write out all of those completely insane questions. She also says Lauren criticises but doesn't put forward any ideas of her own and that rambles and never gets to the point. Lauren tries to say something but is interrupted by Pamela rambling and never getting to the point. Daniel says he isn't interested in listening to them argue, which is unfortunate because Lord Siralan apparently is. Daniel still doesn't quite understand the power dynamic in the board room.

Daniel insists he learns from every mistake, which is really just a feeder line for Lord Siralan to quip that based on the number of mistakes he's made he must be a genius. You could at least make it difficult for him Daniel. Lord Siralan thinks Lauren may be "playing a clever game" which he can't substantiate with any evidence or insight but sounds like the sort of thing you get criticised for. Lord Siralan seems to be reaching for a reason not to fire Daniel, but has slightly lost his thread. He points out that Pamela has only been in full time work for a year, but then decides that doesn't matter. He says Daniel can't substantiate the claims he makes, which is another word for lying, but he like his enthusiasm. So he's an enthusiastic liar then, exactly the sort of person you want to work with. He says he's deeply disappointed in Lauren, but it's not exactly clear why, and then fires Pamela because she was responsible for the product and we can't fire Daniel as he's too interesting.

A liar or a fantasist?

Lord Siralan threatens Lauren by reminding her that he has "total flexibility" to get rid of dead wood. Well not total flexibility Lord Siralan, we still have six episodes to make. But he's only toying with her, he doesn't think she's dead wood, but she has to stop playing a game. Which is quite difficult when you consider that she's competing with a group of people on national television in order to win a prize.

Back at the house Mark claims he was close to offering Lord Siralan an ultimatum, him or Daniel. He probably just forgot to say anything, it's not that he thought Lord Siralan would probably have kept Daniel instead of him for anything. He's pretty annoyed when Daniel comes back. Though Katie pretty much sums up everyone's feelings when she says she's surprised he's still here.

Next Time: It's the week when Lord Siralan appears as a disembodied head on a view screen and the teams are split between London and New York though, sadly, not down the middle with an axe. According to James, the world is as big as their oyster. So either a small world or a very big oyster.

Week 5 - Coach Torture

Lauren is woken up at 5.30 and told that the candidates will be sent to "South Mims". She announces this with great confidence, despite not having a clue where that is. As it happens, no-one knows where that is, except Daniel, but as Mark says no-one listens to Daniel. If they did they would all own t-shirts with built in cameras that they couldn't wear in public.

Welcome to Sunny South Mims

But for the first time this series Daniel is right, South Mims is a service station. This is really scraping the bottom of the barrel for locations. Next week round the back of Poundland. Still when they get sent to exotic locations, they invariable get given shitty tasks, so maybe this week they'll be setting up a mission to Mars or organising Champagne receptions on a luxury yacht. Sadly not, they're are just running coach tours. They have to find customers in London, drive them out to the country take them to attractions at a discount rate and give them lunch.

After Tenacity's evisceration last week, the teams are looking a bit unbalanced. So Mark is moved to Tenacity, joining Daniel, Pamela, Lauren, Felipe and Katie, while Summit now consists of Sanjay, Bianca, Jemma, James, Solomon and Roisin.

Sanjay ends up as Project Manager of team Summit. How this happened is not explained so I like to think he was anointed by Angels or drew a sword from a stone. At team Tenacity there is more debate. Daniel thinks he should be Project Manager because he runs an entertainment company (it organises Pub Quizzes), but Mark has experience as a tour guide from when he first moved to Britain. Daniel sounds actively offended that anyone should question his rightness to lead the team. Especially given his service station identification skills. Daniel gets the job. He tells us that, like great chess players, he thinks two moves ahead. Wait, two moves ahead? How does that work? My mind is boggled.

Coach Conference

The teams hold meetings on their coaches and try to sort out the destination of their tours and prices. Tenacity picks Oxfordshire and Summit, Kent. Sanjay thinks they can put together a good historical tour based around Henry VIII and the Cantebury tales. You know, the historic links there, because it's all history yeah? Why stop there? Why not throw in the Romans, Charles Dickens and the Battle of Britain, it's all history right? Daniel wants to set a price point of about £80, but, as this task is entirely about profit margins, the team argue him up. He's still obsessed with keeping the price below three figures, so they end up with £99.50. Sanjay, on the other hand, decides on £60. At no point are we given any indication that either team did any research, worked out any costs or did anything other than pull a number out of their collective arses.

The teams are sub-divided with half going to negotiate discounts at locations and the other half to flog coach tours to unsuspecting tourists in London. Mark, Pamela and Lauren head to Blenheim palace. The standard entry fee is £25, with a group rate of £12, but Mark is able to negotiate a rate of £9.50 as long as he brings at least twenty people. As the maximum capacity of the coach is only 25, this puts a lot of pressure on the sales team.

Sanjay, James and Jemma head for Heaver Castle. James wants to push for an 80% discount. Jemma thinks this is embarrassingly low, but James doesn't see how getting a good discount would be embarrassing. Jemma clarifies that it's embarrassing because she knows he won't get it. At Heaver castle, the team are told that standard entry is £15 and the group rate is £12. James' negotiation strategy is to call their discount rubbish and ask for £3. When it becomes obvious that he won't get it he decides to keep asking anyway, while Jemma tries to disappear into her own hair. The problem the teams have, is that with no promises or repeat business and no large numbers of visitors to back them up, the only leverage they have is a camera crew and their personal charm. Sadly, James has all the charm of a fossilised turd thrown through the castle window which knocks over a candle and starts a masivefire. The team have to settle for £12 and then run off quickly in case the prices goes up, or actually because the Canterbury tails attraction closes in an hour and it takes and hour to get there.

 The James effect

In London, Daniel's team are struggling to make sales at the high price point. Daniel tries advertising Blenheim palace as the birth place of "the Winston Churchill." This looks fine written down because you naturally put the emphasis on the. But Daniel says "the" like "the rain outside", "the bins over there" or "the outrageous price of these tickets", which makes him sound like an automated voice running out of batteries. The team manage to sell five tickets, but, as Nick Hewer gleefully points out "master salesman" Daniel is responsible for none of them.

 Another great sales moment from Daniel

In the end, they gather together a big group and offer them a job lot of tickets at £60 each. Despite their opposition to his earlier high prices, Felipe and Katie think Daniel has now gone too low. That's the problem with thinking two moves ahead, he's skipped the move where he asked for £80.

Not that team Summit are doing spectacularly better, despite the lower ticket price. Solomon has managed to shift a few, mostly to young women for some reason. But in the end the team is also reduced to selling to big groups. Bianca presents to a big group manages to gather a group together, but ends up admitting that they're not talking to anyone else. One bright spark asks if they are the teams "last hope". After this Bianca is pretty forced to bend over and take whatever price the group feels like paying. That, James, is how you negotiate a discount.

 Bianca realises she has screwed herself

Speaking of which, James, Sanjay and Jemma have arrived at the Cantebury tales museum. Jemma was embarrassed by James request for a massive discount, unfortunately she seems to be embarrassed at having to ask for any kind of discounts or even having to mention prices or money at all. She stammers for a minute or two before James bludgeons his way in and gets a price of £6.25, probably because the representative just wanted to get home rather than because of any great negotiating skill.

Back at HQ, Mark Pamela and Lauren are brushing up on their history and making merchandise. Pamela is pissed off that she is "ironing a picture on a fecking t-shirt" instead of Daniel. And, when he calls, she is pretty short with him. Daniel is shocked by her negativity as they have sold 15 more tickets. Well Daniel, maybe her negativity has something to do with the phone call earlier where you admitted that you had only sold five tickets  and that you, personally, hadn't sold any? But Daniel seems to have a very selective memory when it comes to his own failure. Maybe he told his customers that he wouldn't get on a coach in public?

The next day dawns and the teams set off in their coaches, with Summit in hideous red jackets and Tenacity in hideous yellow ones. The teams have been divided again, with half getting lunch and the other half looking after the customers. Mark, Lauren and Felipe are on coach duty for Team Tenacity. Mark gets off to a good start, putting his tour guide experience to good use, and giving the group a bit of historical background. When they arrive at Blenheim Palace, Lauren has done her homework and is able to give a comprehensive tour without notes. Even Nick Hewer is impressed.

Meanwhile, Team Summit arrive 45 minutes late and Sanjay puts James in charge of the first leg of the tour. This should really be all you need to know to get an idea of what it's like, but the customers had to put up with it so I'm going to go into more detail. Rather than giving any information, James tries to get the coach to join in a song. None of them are interested, but this doesn't stop James who launches into a bellowed rendition of 'One man went to mow'. When passengers started complaining that this is torture, he takes it as a challenged. Sanjay, amazingly, goes along with this. But then he was the one who was most enthusiastic about Jame's turn as the semi-naked chef last week, so maybe he's suffering from serious sense of humour damage.

One man went to tell you to shut the fuck up!

At Heaver Castle James dons a robe and a crown and insists the group refer to him as 'King James'. Sadly he doesn't suffer the same fate as the last British King James, and is not packed off to exile in Italy. He starts out with a tour as given by a four year old, which essentially consists of "look at that funny bush, it looks like a crab". Fortunately, once inside Jemma takes over. Less fortunately, she knows nothing about the place, is left reading from the guide book, refers to a "photo" of Henry VIII, presumably taken by a time traveller, and when asked why Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn's marriage failed she suggests they just grew apart. Or, alternatively, Anne's head grew apart from her body.

 King James guides his people

Lunch time arrives and things are going slightly less well for Team Tenacity. In a bid to keep down costs, Daniel's lunch provision consists of one and a half sandwiches, a small apple pie and an extra charge for water. It's hard to disagree with Mark's view that everything was great until Daniel turned up. The tour then goes on a boat trip in Oxford. Felipe, looking like a hobbit who has been stood up by the other members of his barber-shop quartet, delivers fifteen interesting facts about Oxfordshire. The first being that there are more pigs than people and it gets less interesting from there. By the time he starts explaining the intricacies of Oxford degree abbreviations you realise that his thresh hold for 'interesting' is set a lot lower than most peoples.

Maybe Team Tenacity should show some videos of Team Summit's tour, just to put Felipe into some context? After a lunch that consists mostly of James hard selling merchandise, the team arrive late in Cantebury and then Sanjay gets lost in a town that largely consists of a single long street. They finally arrive after Sanjay phones for directions, but have to interrupt the Cantebury tales attraction half way through so they don't miss their coach slot. Sanjay thinks they need to do some work to recover some good will, so James suggests more singing before auctioning off everything left on the coach that isn't tied down, claiming they worked their balls off and having the audacity to hold out a hat for a tip.

And so James just about defeats Daniel in the "least self-aware" Apprenti competition.

Back in the boardroom we have to endure one of Lord Siralan's terrible puns in which he claims he was looking for the "complete package". On the plus side, he doesn't try to sing.

Team Tenacity collectively through Daniel under the coach, blaming him for pricing that started too high and then went too low when he panicked and saying that the tour was a success in spite, rather than because of him. Daniel says he won't be sucked into an argument, at which point Lord Siralan reminds him of the rules of the game, but he clarifies by saying that it's easy to get sucked into an argument that makes him look bad. Yes Daniel, it certainly is.

Despite the fact that Tenacity's tour was quite well done and Summit's was pure crap with an extra helping of James, no-one asked for their money back so this makes not the blindest bit of difference to the outcome. It all comes down to sales and pricing. Amazingly, James could end up on the winning team. Fortunately, karma does its job and Summit lose with a profit of £813.70 versus Tenacity's £1037.99.

Tenacity offer Daniel know congratulations, he is excluded from the team hug, and then they are sent off to abseil down the side of the Orbit, a treat that for Daniel is more of a punishment. This would look like bullying if Daniel wasn't still trying to spin it in his favour. Apparently, he'd rather win and be unpopular. Yes Daniel, but I don't think your unpopularity was key to the win.

 Mr Popular

Back in the boardroom, James is in the firing line, taking the blame for the bad negotiations at Heaver Castle and the Singing. He defends himself by demanding to know how much merchandise the rest of the team sold, before bellowing over the top of them so they can't answer. But, in spite of the valid criticism, it's questionable whether James lost them the task. He may be the most annoying person on Earth, but as no-one actually asked for the money back (amazingly!) his terrible performance on day two made no difference to the outcome.

So it's Sanjay in the firing line for setting the terrible pricing policy and Bianca for admitting to a group of potential customers that they were the team's last hope. Then Lord Siralan reveals that on Jemma's CV she claimed that she always nearly wins, which sounds like the Apprentice equivalent of "nothing can possibly go wrong".

Sanjay lets James go, probably because he can claim to have sold some merchandise and it's hard to pin failure on him. Instead he brings back Bianca and Jemma. But Lord Siral seems peeved that he doesn't get to yell at James some more and gives him a bollocking before he goes. James has the face of a teenager called before the headmaster just ignoring the noise before he's allowed to go home.

Back in the boardroom Sanjay gets the blame for the pricing policy, but he demonstrates that he does at least know how prices should be set and has the good sense to say he'll do better if he's allowed to stay in the process. There's nothing Lord Siralan love as much as being reminded that he can fire them at any time. Bianca is told that her heavy discounting was a fireable offence, but it's Jemma who gets fired, the temptation of her CV and the fact that this is the first week we have really seen her do anything is clearly too much

But there's still drama to be had back at the house. Sanjay claims that his team worked well together despite losing and Tenacity were the other way round. When Daniel sticks in his oar, Mark says he's had enough of his lying. The confrontation doesn't lead to actual physical violence, but by the next day Daniel will probably believe that kicked Mark's arse.

Next Time: The Apprentii design board games, one of which would cause people to leave a party rather than play it. Bianca refuses to let James talk, which is probably a good thing for all of us and Lord Siralan claims someone is deluded.