Week Six - Bored of Games

It's 6am and the candidates are dragged out of bed and told to assemble at HMS Belfast. James says "that's the Army." No James, it isn't. The clue is in the big boat. So what tenuous link will there be between the location and the task this week? Apparently Battleships, like HMS Belfast, inspired the board game Battleships and this week the teams have to design board games. Come on Lord Siral, you could have been more imaginative than that. What about meeting them in a giant shoe? Or while being clubbed over the head with a candlestick in a Library? Or halfway up a Ladder while fighting off snakes?

Army Boat

There will be no shuffling of the teams this week and Mark and Lauren seem extremely reluctant to be Team Tenacity Project Manager. Mark has no family and has never played a board game. I'm waiting for the Revelation that he was raised in the outback by Kangaroos or something. Pamela more or less gets bullied into the job. Meanwhile, Team Summit have somehow picked James?! For the second week in a row we get no hint as to how Summit picked the PM. Which has me wondering if it involves some elaborate and disturbing hazing ritual that can't be broadcast on TV for reasons of taste and decency.

The teams try to come up with board game ideas, most of which essentially boil down to charades. I'm not sure the teams have quite grasped the concept of a board game. Roisin comes up with something that sounds dull and complicated involving guessing countries. But to be fair, Roisin could make an orgy sound dull and complicated. Over at Tenacity Mark suggests a board game based on dating websites because this hasn't been done. Two points, there hasn't been a game based on the Holocaust, but it doesn't make it a good idea, and, secondly, given Mark claimed to know nothing about board games, how does he know this?

The teams are split up to visit focus groups. James and Bianca see a bunch of parents and children, but clearly they had nothing interesting or amusing to say as we don't hear any of it. Meanwhile, Mark, Lauren and Felipe speak to a group of board game enthusiasts in a pub. The latter have been lit in such a way as to make their skin looking pastier and more unsightly than it already is and they're all men. The program seems to be trying to send the message "these people are massive nerds". They are not impressed with the idea of a relationship game which they think could be sleazy. Though the way the program is presenting them, we're probably supposed to think they're just terrified of women.

Not a nerd

The sub-team report their findings back to Pamela. Mark concedes that they may not be the teams demographic. Given that these are serious board game fans used to playing games that have been developed and play tested over a period of months, they probably aren't the demographic for a game knocked up in two days by a group of people who aren't even sure what a board is. Pamela decides to ignore the focus group because sometimes you just do that. Plus she really like the idea. The sub-team nod sagely and agree and then got off the phone and discuss what a stupid mistake Pamela has just made.

Roisin is explaining her Geography game, GeoKnow, to a designer. But as this is incredibly boring we'll go back to Team Tenacity where Mark is trying to come up with questions for the newly christened "Relationship Guru". The game has now become a basic set of vaguely relationship themed trivia questions that are totally subjective and designed by a sexist lunatic. Example question: "Men think women should? a) Iron b) Smile more c) Always be happy"

The other halves of the teams have moved on to taking photos for the box covers. James and Bianca find it impossible to get on. James interrupts everything Bianca says and thinks any attempt to express an opinion is insubordination. On the other hand, Mark, Lauren and Felipe are working together brilliantly and the result is a photo of a man leaning on a giant pair of lips ineffectively trying to seduce a bored woman sitting on a throne while a disembodied arm either mimes "OK" or awards them 0 points. Pamela thinks this doesn't convey the games humorous theme. Maybe not, but certainly conveys the bat-shit insanity of most of the questions. Team Summit don't like their box cover much either. Solomon thinks it looks like a family about to be run over by a taxi.

James decides Bianca needs a good telling off to put her in her place as she is getting too big for her boots. This backfires a bit when she defends herself and refuses to let him speak until she has had her say. This is funny to watch, especially because Bianca is sitting on the kitchen counter while she's doing it, which makes it look a bit like a magic pixie has arrived to abuse James.

 Taking the moral counter top

The next day the games arrive and the teams try them out. Things do not go well for Tenacity as no-one likes the game, even Daniel and he wrote the questions. Summit have more success, except for James who struggles to understand the rules, shouting "I am an American" in what sounds like a terrible attempt at an Italian accent. Hopefully you don't have to understand the game in order to sell it.

Having tried the games themselves, the teams try them with their target audience. As it's too late to make any changes now, this is really just a way to torture the candidates. A group of Primary School children love Geoknow, though this may be because the alternative is double maths. They manage to figure out the rules, which puts them ahead of James. Meanwhile, a group of adults hate Relationship Guru. Daniel's defence has shifted. He is now claiming that he hated the questions when he wrote them, but Pamela liked them. To clarify, he is saying that he deliberately wrote questions he hated because he thought Pamela would like them.

Having and offensive and sexist time

With gaming sessions complete, the teams now have to try and sell the games to some shops. Roisin gives James some last minute pointers on the rules, which he is, amazingly, still struggling to grasp. They pitch the to Toys 'R Us, who seem to like the game, but want to pay less than the £14.50 James wants. Roisin tries to say something but James cuts her off. Maybe he's just figured out the rules and doesn't want to be distracted. He sells 30 copies for £10 each. Meanwhile, Sanjay manages to sell 15 copies for £17.50 each. James is delighted and claims "we" have made back the money lost at Toys 'R Us. There's no "we" James. What you mean is that Sanjay just saved your arse.

Meanwhile, Summit are having a more difficult time. Representative of Waterstones thinks the questions are offensive and sexist. Daniel agrees that it is a quirky game, so he's agreeing with something different from what they actually said. At least he doesn't claim he wouldn't play the game himself. Waterstones don't buy any.

At Toys 'R Us, Mark, amazingly, persuades them to take 60 copies for £8 each. Given that they also think the questions are awful and the target market is completely wrong, I'm not sure how he did this. He seems to just claim that the game is suitable for all ages in blatant defiance of the obvious facts. Perhaps they edited out the scene where he pulled out his hypno-watch or just straight up offered them a bribe?

James is pitching at another shop who agree to take a few copies on condition of exclusivity within the Hampstead post code. James gets on the phone to the other team to make sure they haven't sold any copies in Hampstead. They haven't, but, unfortunately, this gives Bianca an idea. At the next shop they go in, she offers exclusivity for the whole Westminster area in return for an order of six copies. James is furious, though mostly because he never gave her the authority to offer exclusivity. Because whether the team wins or loses is less important than Bianca having a clear understanding of the chain of command.

James is enthusiastic about Bianca's performance

Mark is selling well, but it seems to be going to his head and he is now claiming that Katie and Pamela are his Apprentices. He then goes into a pitch and claims that you don't have to be a "rocket surgeon" to play the game. It's a tricky business rocket surgery. One wrong move and you can cause serious brain damage and an explosion. Speaking of rockets, Daniel tries to flog a few copies to Forbidden Planet who pass, which is a surprise. A trivia game from a bizarre alternate universe seems like an excellent fit for their market.

 Possibly a bit far-fetched

Solomon tries to sell to Waterstone and is badly hamstrung by the exclusivity clause Bianca "negotiated" (or gave away like she was handing out free t-shirts). He manages to make a sale, but has to offer a big discount because Waterstones won't be able to sell the game in their largest store, the one they are currently sitting in.

With only a few minutes left there is time for a few last minutes sales. Sales "genius" Daniel manages to shift 10. Will James be able to match? He has found a shop that's interested, but finds the exclusivity rules bizarre. They would only be able to sell the game online. James refuses to budge on shifting the last 31 copies and, for once, it works. The frustrating thing about James stubborn and brash approach does work in some situations, but James has no idea how to tailor his approach to his audience.

We're back with Lord Siralan, so brace yourself for this weeks hilarious quip. "From board games to the board room." My sides! 

To business and James is so excited that he can't stop himself from interrupting everyone, including Lord Siralan which is incredibly stupid. Bianca says that James management style was dictatorial, but her criticism is slightly undermined by the colossal stupidity of her exclusivity deal for Westminster. She admit it was a mistake and apparently meant to say "post code" and not "borough". Because, having said the wrong word there was no way she could say "sorry I meant postcode" or anything like that. I said Bianca was a magic pixie once she has said something she is bound by it for all eternity.

Lord Siralan wants to know why Pamela ignored the market research that called the idea terrible. She claims she made a "decisive decision". That's a relief, I would hate to think she made an indecisive one. Lord Siralan finds the questions amusing, but not in a good way. He says "you couldn't make it up". Which is a bit of an odd comment given that Daniel quite obviously did.

Unsurprisingly, Summit win this one with total sales of £2080 to Tenacity's £1112. Lord Siralan seems actively pissed off that he can't fire James and tells him he still has a lot to learn. James nods seriously and then ignores this completely, claiming he's shown Lord Siralan he can do it and "he really believes in me now". I'd love to know what planet James is living on, because they clearly speak a completely different language there, and don't understand tone of voice, body language or facial expressions. 

Back with team Tenacity, Pamela is still blaming Daniel for the terrible questions and he is still blaming her for making him write the questions.

In the boardroom, Lord Siralan criticises Mark and Lauren for not putting themselves forward as project manager. Given that Mark volunteered last week, this feels like reaching for criticism of the one member of the team who acquitted himself well. In fact Lord Siralan is bizarrely hostile to Mark overall and makes a borderline offensive crack about "waltzing Matlida". I'm not sure what Mark has done to piss him off, not laugh at his "board room" pun? Mark's previous confidence is short and he even lets Daniel get in a crack about a great number two not necessarily making a great number one. Is Daniel calling him shit? It's a bit hard to tell.

 Mark is feeling less confident all of a sudden

Pamela claims that Daniel and Lauren both "sat on the fence" and we're difficult to work with. Daniel, in a bullish mood now because Lord Siralan is criticising Mark, points out that it's difficult to be both. Not that Lord Sirlan thinks much of Daniel, he thinks he is delusional and a fantasist. Daniel at least remembers not to agree.

Pamela brings Daniel and Lauren back into the board room, an idea she definitely didn't get from Mark. She claims Daniel hasn't pulled his weight and is disruptive. It's hard to argue with the second point, but it can't be easy to write out all of those completely insane questions. She also says Lauren criticises but doesn't put forward any ideas of her own and that rambles and never gets to the point. Lauren tries to say something but is interrupted by Pamela rambling and never getting to the point. Daniel says he isn't interested in listening to them argue, which is unfortunate because Lord Siralan apparently is. Daniel still doesn't quite understand the power dynamic in the board room.

Daniel insists he learns from every mistake, which is really just a feeder line for Lord Siralan to quip that based on the number of mistakes he's made he must be a genius. You could at least make it difficult for him Daniel. Lord Siralan thinks Lauren may be "playing a clever game" which he can't substantiate with any evidence or insight but sounds like the sort of thing you get criticised for. Lord Siralan seems to be reaching for a reason not to fire Daniel, but has slightly lost his thread. He points out that Pamela has only been in full time work for a year, but then decides that doesn't matter. He says Daniel can't substantiate the claims he makes, which is another word for lying, but he like his enthusiasm. So he's an enthusiastic liar then, exactly the sort of person you want to work with. He says he's deeply disappointed in Lauren, but it's not exactly clear why, and then fires Pamela because she was responsible for the product and we can't fire Daniel as he's too interesting.

A liar or a fantasist?

Lord Siralan threatens Lauren by reminding her that he has "total flexibility" to get rid of dead wood. Well not total flexibility Lord Siralan, we still have six episodes to make. But he's only toying with her, he doesn't think she's dead wood, but she has to stop playing a game. Which is quite difficult when you consider that she's competing with a group of people on national television in order to win a prize.

Back at the house Mark claims he was close to offering Lord Siralan an ultimatum, him or Daniel. He probably just forgot to say anything, it's not that he thought Lord Siralan would probably have kept Daniel instead of him for anything. He's pretty annoyed when Daniel comes back. Though Katie pretty much sums up everyone's feelings when she says she's surprised he's still here.

Next Time: It's the week when Lord Siralan appears as a disembodied head on a view screen and the teams are split between London and New York though, sadly, not down the middle with an axe. According to James, the world is as big as their oyster. So either a small world or a very big oyster.

Episode 6 - June 5th 2013 - Away day Dictator

Despite my dedication to this series, I normally miss the first couple of minutes putting the kettle on, so I haven't really paid much attention to the clips at the start of the show. But this week I caught them. What the hell is Kurt doing? He looks like he's having a stroke!

Anyway, the Apprenti are summoned to the Guild hall, a rather grandiose setting which slightly overwhelms Lord Siral, who isn't exactly the most physically imposing of men. This weeks task is to plan a corporate away day on a budget of £5,000. But for once it's not just about money, the team will also be judged, in some unspecified way, by the customer's feedback. Myles is moved back to Team Morse in order to balance numbers and Leah is put in charge of the team, presumably because she spend so much time last week wishing she was. Team Evolve will be lead by Francesca because she does something that is in someway related to this stuff.

Luisa gets off to a cracking start by telling Francesca that she hates the corporate world and everything about it and hates theses sort of events. Though she does it in the same vapid squeak she uses to talk about everything else. Francesca looks impressed.

For reasons that surely have nothing to do with sending the team off in the wrong direction and creating unnecessary conflict, the teams are expected to come up with a theme for their day without consulting the client first. Francesca quickly settles on a school theme, though Rebecca's idea for a wine-tasting event suggests they might be struggling to come up with themed events. Or Rebbecca went to a very interesting school.

I'm not sure what's so great about the school theme, but Neil is aggressively pushing it over at Team Morse. Apparently he's been to a school-themed corporate away day before, which in Neil-world is the same as being an expert. Leah doesn't like the idea, though I think I might be put off breathing if Neil was trying to sell it to me. She prefers a history theme. Neil puts it to a vote and the team are with him. So, stuck between alienating the group or looking weak she goes with alienation. Karen Brady comments that she has been criticised for not following her instinct before, but she's still wrong now.

 All in favour of ditching this stupid task and going to the pub?

Team Evolve meet with their clients, an 'online travel agency' who want the day to focus on team-building. They seem happy enough with school theme and so the rest of the team are sent to source activities. Luisa and Jason check out a chocolate-making workshop, but Luisa thinks she can do a cup-cake workshop that offers the same value and costs a lot less, an opinion she is very keen to state to the chocolate-maker's face. And then asking if she can buy some piping bags. Is she compelled to be rude to everyone she meets?

 The chocolatier is impressed by Luisa's tact

Meanwhile, Jordan, in his role as Finance guy, is failing to keep Francesca and Rebbecca under control as they wander around a supermarket hurling items into a shopping trolley more or less at random.

 Just think of all the Nectar points!

Team Morse spent so much time arguing that they're late for the client and then follow up by arguing some more in the corridor outside. They take so long that Karen Brady has to come out and get them. The client in this case is Barclays who, evidently, are famous enough that mentioning their name isn't considered. advertising. The client wants a day that focuses on listening and communication skills, but Leah ignores all that and starts banging on about how majestic her history theme will be. The client looks less than impressed. He's "not here to solve this assignment for you" but it looks like he's going to have to.

The sub-team of Neil, Alex and Myles, fresh from sourcing archery activities, are informed by Leah that the new theme will be army. Alex nearly blows his top. I'm starting to think he needs to get fired for the good of his mental health.

Casting around for new activities, Neil suggests sumo-wrestling in fat suits, which Leah, for some unaccountable reason finds 'offensive.' Offensive to what exactly? I know there are some religions with some pretty wacky beliefs. Maybe Leah  subscribes to some obscure sect whose holy book includes the line 'Bankers wrestling in fat suits is an abomination unto the Lord. He shall set his face against them.' She finally agrees to keep it as a backup, but only if the sumo-wrestlers touch and don't wrestle. Because this is less offensive to God or something.

Both teams want to end the day with a motivational speaker. Rebecca is convinced they need a professional, Luisa, wants to save more money by doing it themselves. Francesca decides that as they are being judged on quality they had better spend the money. Over on Team Morse, Neil has 'persuaded' Leah into letting him give the speech. He's listened to people talking so that pretty much makes him a professional speaker.

The next day dawns and Team Morse meet their clients at what looks like an abandoned supervillain's headquarters. The picture is completed when Alex marches in in camouflage fatigues and sunglasses and demands that they call him Colonel. He looks so much like a military dictator that if this goes on he likely to be brutally murdered on national television.

The clients seem to go along with it at first, submitting to his orders with good humour. The activity, which involves one person giving instructions to another who has been blindfolded, at least fits the theme of communication and goes down reasonably well. Unfortunately, the weather turns nasty and the event has to move indoors. Unfortunately, Leah turns out to have no plan B. She ends up giving a long, rambling lecture about conflict resolution before resorting to the sumo wrestlers despite her religious objections. The sumo suits run in, crash into one another and run out in order to communicate the message that you shouldn't deal with conflict by running around in a sumo-suit, or something.

Conflict Resolution

Team Evolve don't have to worry about the weather, but that's mostly because they have kept their clients indoors drinking tea for what seems like hours. The event is starting to feel more like an OAP coffee morning that a corporate away day. Eventually, Francesca decides to start things off with a somewhat incoherent speech in which she tries to outline the theme of the day. It goes a bit wrong when she says they have one goal for the day before outlining four. It doesn't help that there's little evidence of the theme. The team spent £600 on props, but I can't remember my school featuring a large plastic flamingo or a series of fake flame lights.

The weather at least holds long enough for an exercise that involves teams walking along a plank, before lunch lovingly prepared by Jason and Rebecca. These two found themselves in the kitchen a few weeks ago. I think they put Jason there to keep him out of trouble and Rebecca to keep an eye on Jason.

They are released from the kitchen for wine tasting, though it isn't the most focused of sessions. The idea is to guess which wine is the most expensive, but no-one including Jason or Rebecca has any idea about wine so no-one knows what they are looking for and when it's time to reveal the results, Jason and Rebecca can't remember which is which. Nick Hewer seems to be enjoying himself at least

Luisa's cup cake session goes down like an offended chocolatier, with one client claiming he lost interest and looking like he might be suffering from depression. Another client tells the camera that she can't see the point. To be fair, you can say that about most corporate away-days.

The day ends with the two motivational speakers. Team Evolve's goes down well, but he should do, he's a professional who cost them £600. At Team Morse, Neil takes the floor. The tone sounds like Neil's usual monotonous drone to me, as he recounts his childhood history, born on a mountain top, his birth heralded by a double rainbow, or something like that. But his story about taking inspiration from the death of his father and having one goal in life to focus on seems to hit home and the clients are impressed. Maybe the best parts were edited out or possibly the clients, having worked in a hermetically sealed environment, are impressed by anything that sounds even vaguely like human emotions.

Back in the boardroom, Leah's project management is torn to shreds. Neil is eager to claim the credit for everything good. Though he rewrites history to claim that she called a vote about the theme which she subsequently ignored, when it was actually Neil. More troubling is Alex's determination that they get his self-declared rank right. He's already gone mad with power.

 Viva El Presidente!

There's a lot of focus on Team Morse, which can mean only one thing. Team Evolve have lost. Both teams were fined 25% of the fee for basically being crap, but Evolve spent more money.We had to see Leah get shredded now because she wasn't going to be called back later. Neil is pretty much given the credit for the win, Karen Brady claims the client was 'very impressed' by him.I'm not sure if it's possible to make Neil worse without causing some kind of ego gravity collapse and the formation of some kind of black hole. For everyone's safety, the team is packed off to a spa where the Great Dictator gets his eyebrows waxed. Somehow this is not a joke.

Team Evolve are keen to criticise Francesca's project management, but the cost of the motivational speaker is quickly blamed for the loss. They lost by £500 and he cost £600. Ignored is the fact that client satisfaction was also part of the task. They already had to refund £1250, if Luisa had stood up and given a speech they would probably have had to refund the lot and pay a fine. Nevertheless, Lord Siral singles out Rebecca as she suggested the speaker and because of the inappropriateness of the wine-tasting event. He then gives Francesca a warning that she had better bring people in to the boardroom for the right reasons that is so unsubtle he might as well have said 'bring back Rebecca or you're fired.' Francesca complies, but there's no way Luisa is getting away with calling her a bad project manager and so she gets pulled in as well.

Francesca tries to defend her theme with some blather about creativity and team work. It's not the most coherent of statement, but Karen Brady responds by asking 'can you hear what's coming out of your mouth,' in a tone that would have been more appropriate if Francesca had claimed the Jews were responsible for 9/11. Lord Siral scoffs, which is a bit rich from a man who regularly fails to complete a coherent sentence.

Francesca plays her trump card, Luisa's claim that she hates the corporate world and everything about it, deciding to play this as though she just personally insulted everyone on the other side of the table. Luisa recasts this as hating corporate bullshit of the type just espoused by Francesca. Karen scornfully claims she would have a hard time at the bank. So corporate bullshit bad when Francesca does it, good when banks do? Also, if any of the people on this show could get money out of the banks they wouldn't be humiliating themselves in front of an audience of millions. Karen really is in a foul mood in this episode.

Lord Siral dances around the point for a while. Francesca should have been better at this as it was her are of expertise (to be fair she supplies stuff for corporate events she doesn't run them, it's like asking a brick maker to build a house) and the fact that everyone hates Luisa may reflect badly on her. In the end, he decides to get rid of Rebecca, which is pretty obvious given how determined he was to get her in the boardroom. Lord Siral is rapidly running out of women, at this rate they'll have to put Jason in a dress.

Next Time: The teams attend a camping and caravan show, selling products they don't understand to people they hold in contempt. Pretty much business as usual.

Episode 6 - April 25th 2012 - Street Food

Day off at the house and the Apprenti are busy with X-Box Kinnect (other games systems are available, I know I own two), only to be suddenly interrupted by the plaintive knocking and scratching off their pet hedgehog man. Oh wait, it's just Lord Siralan spoiling the fun. He always turns up at the house at least once a series, and, shorn of his boardroom, always looks a bit like the the nerdy guy at parties who doesn't want to be there and nobody talks to.

The candidates quickly gathered in the kitchen, Lord Siralan is sending them to "the culinary capital of Scotland" Edinburgh. Which is a bit like calling London "the culinary capital of England", probably true but not very informative. They are going to be jumping on the latest bandwagon, gourmet street food. No team re-shuffling, but Lord Siralan exercises his right to choose the team leaders. Jenna is put in charge of Stirling and Adam in charge of Phoenix. This is rather like giving a go to the kids who no-one picks for their team.

First job, given the team leader picking has been delegated, is to decide on the type of food to make. Adam reckons everything in Scotland is deep fried. Batter doesn't exactly yell out Gourmet. But Adam is more concerned that they avoid Japanese food; it's all raw fish isn't it? Tom thinks that Ramen might be a good way to go, but Adam can't get past raw fish. I mean who eats sushi? Apparently everyone in team Phoenix. Adam is drifting dangerously close to an offensive stereotype of a northerner. Katie suggests Pasta, which Adam goes for because you can just slop stuff on stuff, and the rest of the team breathes a sigh of relief.

"Who eats sushi?"

Tom apparently

Over at Stirling, Jenna is suggesting pies. As someone who has done a bit of baking in my time, I can say that pastry is not easy to work with. Tough to make, tough to bake properly, and you have to shape it properly to put the filling in. This could be an absolutely hilarious idea. Unfortunately, Laura suggests stew, which is like pie without the hilarious bit, spoil sport. Jenna is planning to go all Scottish and grab the tourist market.

The next step is research, so two sub-teams are sent off to a food market, while the rest are packed off on a train to Scotland. Adam puts Katie and Jade on this team because off their background in marketing and Stephen in charge of them because he has testicles, presumably. After much poking around and tasting, the conclusions are pretty clear, don't skimp on expensive ingredients. Quality all the way. The team call Adam who concludes from this that they should use the cheapest ingredients possible. In fact he says cheap so often he starts to sound like a baby bird (Ahahahahahahah! My sides!). Tom is rolling his eyes in desperation, though Adam doesn't notice. He just wonders where the "trolley dolly" is.

The "trolley dolly"! Okay, this is way too much. There is no way that Adam can possibly be a real person. The casual sexism, the disdain for anything vaguely new or foreign and now the archaic language. Adam is a badly written northerner from a 1970s sit-com, there is no other possible explanation.

Back with the sub-teams, they have gotten on later trains and are trying to chose a location to park their gourmet food vans. Nick phones around and picks Parliament square as it has a good tourist foot fall. Katie and, to a lesser extent, Jade want to gamble on a football match. Stephen is sceptical that kind of crowd will want gourmet food, but Katie thinks sheer numbers will guarantee sales. She also says she's happy to take the blame if it goes wrong. This is not so much putting her head in the lions's mouth as covering yourself in gravy, repeatedly kicking the lion in the balls yelling "eat me you lazy yellow f**ker."

Having arrived in Edinburgh the project manager's teams are sent to meet some chefs. But Jenna is worried that people might speak "Scottish language" to them. Can Laura translate? She is from Edinburgh. "Scottish language" seriously?

Adam and team meet with Italian chef Mateo. He gets on board with Adam's meatball suggestion as it feels very Italian and can be made to taste good simply. This is still not enough for Adam who starts asking if they can substitute fresh rosemary for dried. He could also save money on meet by hunting squirrels. Jenna's team seem to be having the opposite problem. There Scottish stew is going to cost £2.50 a portion.

Meanwhile, the marketing teams are trying to come up with a good name. Stephen, Jade and Katie settle on "utterly delicious" because its "simple" the Holy Grail or Apprentice ideas. It's also mundane, completely uninformative and, at the rate Adam's going, potentially in breech of the trades descriptions act. They get him on the phone. But Adam has gotten the chef to let them use his name, so he wants to call it "Mateo's Meatballs." The marketing team compromise on "Utterly Delicious Meatballs," which suggests they may be missing the point somewhat.

  Gourmet Quality

With the teams reassembled, they get to work on manufacturing. Stirling seem to be doing a reasonable job, though there is an awful lot of meat. I am slightly concerned the one of the team may have fallen in to the stew, is there time for a head count? I haven't seen much of Gabrielle this week. Back at Phoenix, Adam's balls are getting smaller and smaller. There really is no way to follow that sentence.

Next day dawns and the teams are up early their vans dragged to their starting pitches. Stirling are struggling. Probably because it's first thing in the morning and people have only just had breakfast. This is not necessarily a sign of a failing strategy, though Karen Brady still manages to tut with disdain and Jenna starts panicking early. The team manages to bribe a bagpiper to set up next to the van with the offer of a free lunch. This prompts a highlang fling from Ricky and Laura. They're attracting tourists, but not making many sales.

Phoenix are having more trouble at the football. Adam has marked up his meatballs to £5.99, even though they only cost 47p a portion to make. In spite of this, Katie still doesn't think the customers are being gouged enough and suggests bumping the price up to £7.99. Even Adam thinks this might be pushing it. But it's unlikely to make much difference as the football crowd are loaded up on pies and burgers. Katie, Stephen and Azhar have moved on to their next big plan, convincing a tour bus to let them flog their wares on the top deck. The problem is that they'll have to move the van right across the middle of lunch time. It doesn't matter very much, Adam has managed to shift a few more portions by dropping the price, but kick-off is 12.30, so the massive foot fall has cleared off.

An elite sales force in action

 
Stirling are having an easier time now there's been a lunch rush. But Jenna is still panicking, they have to flog a lot of portions to cover the cost of ingredients. She takes the chance to berate the sales team of Laura and Ricky for failing to be aggressive enough. Laura thinks she's getting her excuses in early.

Phoenix have moved their van and now their sales team are trying their bus pitch, in costume. Katie is dressed as a pizza which is vaguely related to what they're doing. Unfortunately, with no way to reinforce the costume it looks a bit like a very badly made dress that she's been sick down. Still, it's slightly better than Stephen draped in the Italian flag like he's just won a major sporting event and Azhar in what may be the world's lowest budget superhero costume. The team try their pitch only to horribly embarrass the entire bus. They get off quick and head for the next one, but after climbing a lot of hills get there too late and miss it.  With no sales and a fifteen minute wait for the next bus, Adam decides that the tour bus may not be the task winning strategy the team thought.

Parliament square is thinning out and so Stirling also decides to move their van, stopping outside the National gallery. Ricky is roaming around in a kilt, but even this isn't enough to attract customers in the middle of the afternoon. Nick suggests dropping their prices, but Jenna is worried about costs. Karen Brady is sniping from the sidelines about how they have to keep their prices up to cover their costs. She seems to be missing the point that they've already paid for the meat, it's a sunk cost. If they start selling portions for £2 they only lose 50p a portion, instead of £2.50 if they don't sell it at all.

After a last desperate sales surge the teams are back to the boardroom and Lord Siralan has questions. Adam says he chose pork meat balls because it's a cheap meat. "Cheap?!" Lord Siralan snarks. Adam suddenly realises he may have missed the point somewhat and back peddles so quickly he's in danger of tipping over backwards on his bicycle. Suddenly he can't stop banging on about the quality of his meatballs, stopping short of calling them "bootiful" only at the threat of copyright infringement. That said, his profit margin is so massive due to his low costs that there is a serious danger he might win.

But no, Jenna scrapes a win by just £21 and team Stirling are sent off for a Segue race. Not sure if this strictly a prize given that Nick comes off his and almost kills half the team.

At Bridges cafe Adam's loss hasn't dented his arrogance. Everything is everyone else's fault, mostly the marketing team. But dragged back to the boardroom Lord Siralan is keen to talk about Adam's cost cutting. He isn't impressed by the quality of the product, apparently he's seen the same sort of thing on the floor of the elephant enclosure at the Zoo. If that's true either the Elephants are being badly underfed or he's been watching from a very long way away. Adam is keen to distract Lord Siralan by blaming the marketing team for the crappy name. Alas this doesn't reflect well on him either, he should have overruled them. Adam then tries to pin the blame for the Football match and the high prices on them.

Suddenly, Stephen springs into life. Given that he has barely been able to get out a coherent sentence before now this is an impressive performance. Adam should have been able to twig that £5.99 was too much for pasta at a football match, that the name wasn't any good, that the food was too cheap etc etc. All of this is true, but neglects to mention that Stephen endorsed all of this. He even manages to claim that both selling on the tour bus and giving up on the idea were both examples of his business genius. Oh and everything is Azhar's fault because he didn't do anything.

By the end of all this Adam is so worn out he brings Katie and Azhar back to the boardroom with him. Adam is still obnoxiously arrogant. Apparently he would be the perfect partner for Lord Siralan. He doesn't manage anything as outrageous as Baggs the Brand's 'Field of ponies' but that just suggests a lack of imagination. Surely Lord Siralan has to let him go? But no, Azhar puts in a half decent performance while Katie lets herself get tagged with the blame for the football match and the name. Plus this is her third time in the boardroom, so out she goes. Lord Siralan has only had to put up with Adam once, we've had six weeks now, give it time.

Back at the house Stephen is all smiles and claiming to be relieved Adam is back. Adam looks less than convinced as blood pours from the massive gaping wound in his back.

NEXT TIME. The teams are flogging cleaning equipment in the street. Cue Adam and Stephen waving mops in the street.