Episode 12 - June 3rd 2012 - Final

Well here we are at the final episode. It's time for the interviews. I have to say, I don't really like this round and was genuinely sorry when it was made the final. For me, the fun part of the Apprentice is watching a bunch of arrogant, self-important people make fools of themselves by making mistakes that everyone can see coming, while ignoring all sensible advice. Of course the tasks themselves are contrived and unreasonable, but at least the Apprenti are effectively digging the own graves.

The Interview round is different. Here the surviving candidates, usually the least worst of the bunch, are confronted by a group of people whose job is to be even more obnoxious than they are. The candidates are interrupted, ignored and insulted and expected to just sit their and take it. It doesn't help that its inevitably a stitch up. The worst example came in series 3 when, eventual winner Lee, was ordered to do his pterodactyl impression and then told off for doing something so inappropriate in an interview. Then it was revealed that he had lied about his qualifications on his CV, something the production team most have know about but kept to themselves so it could be used against him.

The interview round is fundamentally unfair and that makes the candidates sympathetic, and that's the last thing we want.

 Firing squad

Anyway, the interview round is what we get so I'm going to have to make the most of it. The candidates are assembled and asked to summarise their proposed business in one line. This is a new innovation, probably introduced because last year no-one, even Lord Siralan, fully understood what they were babbling on about. Nick wants to add a button to food websites that allows the user to buy all the ingredients for a recipe with one click. Tom plans to set up a £25 million wine hedge fund, essentially what he already does on a much larger scale. Jade wants to run Europe's largest telemarketing call centre (!!!). Ricky waffles for a while about ethical and sustainable businesses until Lord Siralan gets him to boil it down to a recruitment company. Again, the job he already does. These plans actually sound quite reasonable compared with last years, which included a posture consultant company, a concierge service for the poor and a charity. Even Jade's, which is a borderline crime against humanity, sounds like it could actually make money.

No that's proper Evil. "Pure Evil" take note.

Next up its time to meet the interviewers, each of whom are introduced with a kind of nickname, like their professional wrestlers. Ricky should be right at home. Two of them "Award Winning" Mike Suter and "Former Young Entrepreneur of the Year" Matthew Reily are essentially the same, faintly evil looking men in dark grey suits. Then we have "No Nonsense" Margaret Mountford, veteran of many an Apprentice series, who perfected the art of looking like a disapproving head mistress when Karen Brady was still in nappies or running a football club, whichever came first. Finally we have the hulking, Baron Greenback like form of Claude Litner "King of the Killer question", former global troubleshooter for Lord Siralan and nemesis of Danger Mouse.

The guys don't seem to rate Jade's chances very highly. When Tom asks, Ricky gives her 2 out of 10 and Nick 3. While this may be slightly patronising, it has some truth in it as no-one seems much impressed with her business plan. Claude seems particularly scornful, calling it a "grubby little business." His principle concern seems to be that he doesn't want to be called at home of an evening. To be honest, this sounds like a good reason to cough up. If Jade does get the thing going, she probably won't use it to harass the people who paid for it. She has more problems though. Her business plan doesn't include any costs, because she reckons Lord Siralan's 250 grand will cover it. Nor does it help that one of the anonymous grey-suited men has bought one of the domain names she wanted to use for her website, essentially just to be spiteful.

Nick is doing somewhat better. No-one really understands the technology behind his proposal, but he has a working prototype and a good business plan. Matthew Reily, the "former young entrepreneur of the year", a title less a source of inspiration than a horrible warning about the effects of the ravages of time, is reduced to insisting that no-one would use it. Nick suggests that it would be useful for families planning out weekly meals, but Matthew apparently knows no-one who does this. Nick can't do much more than assure him that real people, who don't just swallow whole sandwiches or eat only at business meetings, do in fact exist while trying not to giggle. Nick's biggest problem is his somewhat hubristic insistence that this could be as big as Facebook or Twitter and a lack of focus, he already has three businesses on the go.

 Nick tries to keep a straight face

Tom has a similarly impressive business plan and clearly knows the industry. In fact, he is so solid that the best "Award Winning" Mike Suter can do is ask if his dad wrote his proposal for him. Why stop at his dad? Why not claim he copied it off the Internet or was given it by magic business fairies. Claude Litner does little better, choosing simply to quibble endlessly over his description of himself as "entirely well-rounded" because he's only 23. He then insists that the business won't work because he can't raise the money. Tom thinks he can, but Claude still says he can't, leading to a pointless back and forth that I expected to be interrupted at any moment by Lord Siralan jumping out in a pantomime Dame's costume to yell "he's behind you."

Ricky also has a good business plan and knows his industry, but the interviewers have found another line of attack in the form of his CV. It's not really fair to attack Ricky over a document he wrote to attract the attention of BBC recruiters months ago, but it's funny so I'll let them off here. Claude thinks it's one of the most crass and immature documents he's ever read and parts of it apparently made Matthew Reilly want to be sick. But its Margaret Mountford who teases out the best material. Ricky likens himself to the God Thor and sees Lord Siralan as Odin. Disturbingly, when trying to justify this Ricky seems to claim he actually is a son of God descended from the Heavens. I'm hoping that's just nervousness. Given that Ricky has previously claimed to be a shark, I'm not sure being a God with lightning based powers is necessarily an advantage.

Matthew Reilly tries not to be sick

Even more disturbing than this is the revelation that Ricky has not been saddled with an unfortunate name. He is, in fact, Richard Martin. He chose to use Ricky in order to attract attention. Ricky's belief is that its worth doing anything to get noticed and be memorable, a position I seriously hope he will reconsider after his experiences on this show.

 Ricky looks to his divine father for guidance

Back in the boardroom.. Lord Siralan dispenses with Jade first. He's hardly a popular man and if he went with Jade's proposal there's a dangerous chance he might be tarred and feathered. Nick is next to go, as much, it seems, because Lord Siralan doesn't fully understand his proposal. The glory days of Amstrad are clearly far behind him. This leaves Ricky and Tom, both of whom are essentially proposing versions of their existing business. Ricky's plan is dull but will probably make steady money, Tom's is risky but could make a fortune. Nick Hewer likens working with Tom as like a last throw of the dice. This seems a touch fatalistic given that Lord Siralan is going to be putting another twelve victims through this nonsense next year.

In the end he goes with Ricky. Apparently,given his position in society he can't be seen to be associated with failure. Hang on, wasn't he an advisor to Gordon Brown's government? (Thought I'd go with the Amstrad Emailer joke didn't you, I'm too unpredictable for you).

Anyway, congratulations Ricky. Now you can leave your job in recruitment to work as your own boss, except for the terrifying hedgehog man standing over your shoulder controlling the purse strings. And all it cost you was twelve weeks of ritual humiliation.

Episode 11 - May 30th 2012 - Luxury

With only five left in the house, Ricky was sure he would get to the phone first, but it was not to be and he is left bobbing up and down the stairs. The remaining Apprenti are dragged off to what is apparently the "original" shopping centre. With Ricky the last survive of the Stirling massacre of week 10, this task looks rather one-sided, but Lord Siralan moves Tom to Stirling which actually puts Phoenix at a disadvantage as they have Adam. If his presence alone was not enough, Lord Siralan sees fit to put him in charge. Shall we skip to the end now? Their task, as if it mattered, is to develop a product through concept to marketing, with a brand name, packaging and even a mocked up shop front before giving a presentation. No video this time, for which Ricky must be breathing a sigh of relief.

Ricky is keen to take charge of Stirling. Tom doesn't mind, probably recognising that with only two in the team losing would make him very vulnerable. The two of them quickly hit on the idea of a range of male grooming products. Can't for the life of me think where that came from.

At Phoenix, the team is struggling for ideas. One of Nick's businesses is coffee, and he hits on the idea of hot chocolate. Adam steers the idea towards chocolates, possibly not understanding the difference. He decides that he and Nick should handle branding and packaging as this is the most important part of the task and Jade should make chocolates because she's a girl.

Tom visits a barbers where he discovers that demoing the product is a good marketing tool. He also takes the opportunity to brush up on figures. Meanwhile, Nick and Adam are in a sweet shop where they learn that chocolates are nice and so are jellies. Karen Brady shakes her head in disapproval, something that will rapidly develop into a theme.

Adam is now desperately keen to include jellies in their line up of chocolates. Whilst you have to give him credit for enthusiastically throwing himself into new things, he is a bit like a small child distracted by the latest shiny thing. Nick emphasises that he thinks jellies are a bad idea and that the decision is entirely down to Adam. Apprentice speak for gathering information to be used in the event of defeat. Jade is also not keen, but finds a way to make the jellies work by adding alcohol, a strategy that works for the vast majority of products. Week 2's splash screen would have been a massive hit if it had a mini-bar built in.

Num, num, num.

The team still need a name for their range. Adam tries about fifty different variations on the word "choc", kind of misunderstanding the idea of a luxury product. Jade hits on Sweet Things, which sort of works, and decides that she is pretty much doing everything herself which, while largely true, might not be a positive if they lose.

At team Stirling, Ricky is in his white overalls again using his chemistry skills. Tom has come up with a packaging design that is essentially grey on grey and the name "Modern gentlemen" which sounds faintly like an escort service. Their shop front is similarly grey, but they have managed to get in a barbers chair for some live demos.

 Eye Catching

Phoenix have a powder blue shop front and, to her credit, Jade has provided a good looking collection of products. They have also added a cocktail bar, which is an obvious draw but is slightly removed from the core idea. Adam and Nick aren't sure of the price. Adam says £2.99, Nick says £4.99. Karen Brady asks straight out "is it £2.99 or £4.99?" and Nick says "Exactly." Karen practically spits on his shoes.

The invited audience are let loose on the shop fronts. Tom and Ricky are well rehearsed but lack personality. But Tom persuades one unlucky punter to try a wet shave. With Tom handling a cut throat razor I'm not sure who is braver. Probably the punter. Just be thankful it isn't Adam, or even worse Stephen, or this would have rapidly become the great Apprentice barbershop blood bath of 2012. Things seem to be going well for Phoenix, the chocolates are popular and the cocktails are proving a draw.

No its time for the presentations. Ricky and Tom are thoroughly prepared. Ricky is slick as always and Tom is, if not quite so polished, clearly on top of his material. Tricky questions are batted aside and even requests for figures barely raise and eyebrow. At Phoenix things go less well. Adam is not so much out of his element as entirely off the periodic table. Put way through he just tails off and starts listing special occasions: "Christmas, birthdays, Easter, Whitsun, Ascension Sunday." The slightly odd, "too cheap for a retail chain", "too expensive for a supermarket" is off putting as well.

Back in the boardroom Lord Siralan sums up. Stirling was dull and uninspiring, but Tom and Ricky gave a good presentation and researched their market thoroughly. Phoenix had an eye-catching product but didn't know what they were talking about. Lord Siralan goes with worthy and dull and Ricky and Tom are given the dubious treat of going back to the house without being fired. Looks like Phoenix blew all the treat money last week on tea.

Meanwhile, with Phoenix, Jade gives a good account of herself, having come up with the product and the name. Karen Brady is particularly keen to stick the boot into Nick and Adam, boldly stating that Jade's name ideas were all better than theirs and that they did no research in the sweet shop. Did Adam done something specific to offend her, or has she just snapped after eleven weeks of putting up with him? Adam also gets the blame for the dodgy price point, though Nick doesn't exactly cover himself in glory.

Adam is looking very vulnerable right now with Jade targeting him. But what's this, all of a sudden Nick turns on Jade. What is he thinking? Is he trying to eliminate a stronger competitor or assuming that Adam is gold-plated? Either way its a daft move. Having contributed little to the task himself, Nick resorts to attacking her past record. This is all a bit nuanced for the boardroom and it looks like Nick might have talked himself out of the door.

But no, even Lord Siralan can only put up with so much of Adam and he is dispatched to make a prat of himself on You're Fired. He doesn't seem too bothered, even he seems to think he lasted too long.

NEXT TIME The final interview in which we are made to sympathise with the survivors by having them savaged by three people even more obnoxious than they and also Margaret Mountford.