After a nine week epic struggle between a bunch of liars, back-stabbers and idiots, we are have reached the final, which, sadly, is often the dullest part of the process. The morons and comedy candidates have been eliminated and only the moderately competent remain, so chances of galaxy spanning idiocy are low. We get a bunch of the former Apprenti back for a last hurrah, but as nothing is at stake for them beyond the way they come across on TV, there's no incentive for back-biting or double-crossing.
We don't even have the spectacle of a woman who wants to make money by slashing up your face, competing with a helium-addled pixie with an uncertain business plan involving baking supplies. This year, the candidate are moderately competent and have decent business plans. Mark wants to set up an online marketing company, which is a highly competitive industry but one he know very well. Meanwhile, Bianca plans to make tights in a wide range of colours, which is, apparently, a genuinely good idea and, although she doesn't know the industry, she has done some pretty extensive research.
So it looks like we're in for a pretty dry experience in which two moderately competent and professional individuals compete to sell their generally sensible ideas.
Lord Siralan drags the candidates to Bloomsbury Ballroom to kick things off, where he brings in the candidates who couldn't find anything better to do since they were kicked off the show. In this case
Katie, Solomon, Felipe, Sanjay, Lauren, James, Daniel and Sarah.
But at this point, events take an unexpected turn. Instead of announcing the forthcoming task, Lord Siralan begins chanting in a strange, eldritch language. His suit splits apart and his body expands and distorts, turning red and growing scales as he is transformed into a fir-breathing dragon over one hundred food tall. The Sugar Dragon tears off the roof of the Ballroom before soaring into the air on its mammoth wings, belching fire and smoke across the London skyline.
The stricken Apprenti have no time to do anything but flee to the cars. Nick Hewer is trampled under foot, while Karen escapes by helicopter. With no time for any discussion, the apprentii scramble for the nearest car with no thought of friendship or previous rivalries. Katie, Felipe, Daniel and Lauren join Bianca, while Sanjay, Solomon and James are with Mark. Sarah is tragically incinerated in the chaos.
The teams quickly assemble impromptu business meetings. Bianca believes she can translate her manufacturing research into a weapon that can bring down the dragon, while Mark intends to parlay his online marketing experience into a multi-media campaign he can use to assemble an army.
Bianca and Felipe go to see the Oracle, an ancient Sorceress with extensive experience of magical beasts. She tells Bianca of a process that can be used to make tights that, although invisible to human eyes, can resist even dragon fire. Bianca decides to recruit an elite force of warrior women to wear these tights and face the dragon. However, in order to afford to manufacture her tights she will have to charge for them and she thinks a price of £35 is reasonable given that they are dragon proof. The Oracle thinks she should lower her prices to appeal to a wider market. Bianca agrees to lower the price to £25.
Meanwhile, Mark is climbing the Cliffs of Dread in search of recruits for his army. Sanjay is filming his journey to broadcast as a promotional video. But after the Tesco disaster in week eight, Mark has lost his nerve and can't get his words out. His followers are left dangling over a cliff while Mark goes through take after take. Then a shake of the Sugar Dragon's mighty tail creates an earth tremor and one of the climbers plummets to their grisly death on the rocks below. Encouraged by their sacrifice, Mark finishes his video.
Bianca's team have successfully manufactured their dragon-proof tights, but are having trouble getting women to take them at the requested price. The poor quality packaging is letting them down and one potential customer refuses to pay more than £6. Bianca refuses to listen to warnings of her team mates. She will only listen to Katie, the two of them are secluded away researching battle strategies.
Mark, at least, knows how to manage a team. Solomon and James may be useless, but he has at least kept them busy by having them summon elemental spirits to fight the Dragon. They probably won't be much help, but it keeps them busy. Mark has left Sanjay editing the final video as he rehearses the rousing speech he has to give to his Internet army. The two embrace in the knowledge that one of them (let's face it Sanjay) may be killed the next day.
As the next day dawns the usually busy streets of London lay desolate as the small percentage of the London population with a home take refuge under their beds, while the rest seek refuge in tube stations, museums, phone boxes and those news stands that sell crap postcards and souvenir hats. The Sugar dragon has taken up residence on top of the Gherkin and, as the Sun rises, belows a challenge to the world.
The challenge is answered by Bianca, striding forth accompanied by an army of dragon-proof-tight-wearing warrior women. They are brave, but few in number. As yet there is no sign of Mark's army. The warrior women scale the gherkin. The Dragon belches out fire and smoke, but to no avail. It seems momentarily confused, but then strikes, outraged at the insolence of these insignificant humans. The battle is fierce.
Suddenly the sound of drums is heard. Sanjay leads an army of pale computer geeks, social network warriors and vile Trolls. The Dragon is assailed on two sides, but belches flames down on the army. James and Solomon's elemental spirits offer a momentary distraction but they are soon swept aside. James is bitten clean in two, while Solomon is crushed under the Dragon's mighty talons.
The warrior women are almost all destroyed, Bianca is beginning to regret her choice of a premium product. Sanjay's army is flagging. Sanjay leads a valiant charge, but is swept out into the Thames with a flick of it's tail. But what's this? From the river comes the sound of a horn. Sanjay's army was only part of Mark's force and now he leads his reserves up river on duck buses. Now assailed on the three fronts, the Dragon is staggered. The warrior women press their attack and Mark lands the final blow slicing off the dragon's head.
With the Sugar Dragon defeated, it morphs back into the form of Lord Siralan. He is impressed by both candidates work, but believes Bianca made a mistake in the choice of a premium price for her tights. His instinct is to go with Bianca, as he in a "product man" and Mark faces tough competition. But, in the end, Mark's management ability, knowledge of the sector and his willingness to sacrifice Sanjay, Solomon and James to achieve his ends win him over. Mark is the new Apprentice and will lead his Internet-based army on a march through cyberspace, laying waste to his enemies in the name of Lord Siralan.
The Damned
But at this point, events take an unexpected turn. Instead of announcing the forthcoming task, Lord Siralan begins chanting in a strange, eldritch language. His suit splits apart and his body expands and distorts, turning red and growing scales as he is transformed into a fir-breathing dragon over one hundred food tall. The Sugar Dragon tears off the roof of the Ballroom before soaring into the air on its mammoth wings, belching fire and smoke across the London skyline.
The Dragon awakes
The stricken Apprenti have no time to do anything but flee to the cars. Nick Hewer is trampled under foot, while Karen escapes by helicopter. With no time for any discussion, the apprentii scramble for the nearest car with no thought of friendship or previous rivalries. Katie, Felipe, Daniel and Lauren join Bianca, while Sanjay, Solomon and James are with Mark. Sarah is tragically incinerated in the chaos.
The teams quickly assemble impromptu business meetings. Bianca believes she can translate her manufacturing research into a weapon that can bring down the dragon, while Mark intends to parlay his online marketing experience into a multi-media campaign he can use to assemble an army.
Bianca and Felipe go to see the Oracle, an ancient Sorceress with extensive experience of magical beasts. She tells Bianca of a process that can be used to make tights that, although invisible to human eyes, can resist even dragon fire. Bianca decides to recruit an elite force of warrior women to wear these tights and face the dragon. However, in order to afford to manufacture her tights she will have to charge for them and she thinks a price of £35 is reasonable given that they are dragon proof. The Oracle thinks she should lower her prices to appeal to a wider market. Bianca agrees to lower the price to £25.
The Oracle
Meanwhile, Mark is climbing the Cliffs of Dread in search of recruits for his army. Sanjay is filming his journey to broadcast as a promotional video. But after the Tesco disaster in week eight, Mark has lost his nerve and can't get his words out. His followers are left dangling over a cliff while Mark goes through take after take. Then a shake of the Sugar Dragon's mighty tail creates an earth tremor and one of the climbers plummets to their grisly death on the rocks below. Encouraged by their sacrifice, Mark finishes his video.
Climbing the Cliffs of Dread
Mark raises his army
Bianca's team have successfully manufactured their dragon-proof tights, but are having trouble getting women to take them at the requested price. The poor quality packaging is letting them down and one potential customer refuses to pay more than £6. Bianca refuses to listen to warnings of her team mates. She will only listen to Katie, the two of them are secluded away researching battle strategies.
Forging a weapon of war
Mark, at least, knows how to manage a team. Solomon and James may be useless, but he has at least kept them busy by having them summon elemental spirits to fight the Dragon. They probably won't be much help, but it keeps them busy. Mark has left Sanjay editing the final video as he rehearses the rousing speech he has to give to his Internet army. The two embrace in the knowledge that one of them (let's face it Sanjay) may be killed the next day.
As the next day dawns the usually busy streets of London lay desolate as the small percentage of the London population with a home take refuge under their beds, while the rest seek refuge in tube stations, museums, phone boxes and those news stands that sell crap postcards and souvenir hats. The Sugar dragon has taken up residence on top of the Gherkin and, as the Sun rises, belows a challenge to the world.
Lord Sugar will see you now
The challenge is answered by Bianca, striding forth accompanied by an army of dragon-proof-tight-wearing warrior women. They are brave, but few in number. As yet there is no sign of Mark's army. The warrior women scale the gherkin. The Dragon belches out fire and smoke, but to no avail. It seems momentarily confused, but then strikes, outraged at the insolence of these insignificant humans. The battle is fierce.
The Warrior Women advance
Suddenly the sound of drums is heard. Sanjay leads an army of pale computer geeks, social network warriors and vile Trolls. The Dragon is assailed on two sides, but belches flames down on the army. James and Solomon's elemental spirits offer a momentary distraction but they are soon swept aside. James is bitten clean in two, while Solomon is crushed under the Dragon's mighty talons.
The Elemental Spirits are doomed
The warrior women are almost all destroyed, Bianca is beginning to regret her choice of a premium product. Sanjay's army is flagging. Sanjay leads a valiant charge, but is swept out into the Thames with a flick of it's tail. But what's this? From the river comes the sound of a horn. Sanjay's army was only part of Mark's force and now he leads his reserves up river on duck buses. Now assailed on the three fronts, the Dragon is staggered. The warrior women press their attack and Mark lands the final blow slicing off the dragon's head.
With the Sugar Dragon defeated, it morphs back into the form of Lord Siralan. He is impressed by both candidates work, but believes Bianca made a mistake in the choice of a premium price for her tights. His instinct is to go with Bianca, as he in a "product man" and Mark faces tough competition. But, in the end, Mark's management ability, knowledge of the sector and his willingness to sacrifice Sanjay, Solomon and James to achieve his ends win him over. Mark is the new Apprentice and will lead his Internet-based army on a march through cyberspace, laying waste to his enemies in the name of Lord Siralan.
The Victor
So that's the final as I remember it. I may have drifted off once or twice, but I'm pretty sure that's how it went.
