Tuesday 24 April 2012

Episode 5 - April 18th 2012 - Fitness

The phone rings in the wee small hours and Gabrielle is quick to answer. She might not have made much of an impression so far, but she is an expert at answering the phone. Jenna follows behind, but gets to the phone too late so decides to stare rather creepily into Gabrielle's ear. Maybe she's trying to see daylight.


The Apprenti are dragged to York Hall, and end up meeting Lord Siralan in a boxing ring. Is it me or have the locations become a touch more down market this series? We started at the V&A museum, but since then we have met his Grace at the docks, a second hand shop and now a boxing ring. I'm half expecting the announcement "and in the losing team one of you will be seeing some of my boys in the back alley."

This weeks task is all about fitness, which is apparently worth a fortune. But as Lord Siralan puts it:
"What has become even more popular is the innovation of noo fitness trends."
Wait what? Was hat even a sentence? Seriously, if this is their role model it's no wonder none of the candidates can even communicate coherently. But this isn't the most ridiculous part. This week's task is to invent a completely  new workout programme, film a video demonstrating it and then flog it to gyms who will pay a licence fee. So eleven people who are not fitness experts have to invent, from scratch, a new fitness programme in half a day? Either these fitness programmes are a complete con, or this task is ludicrous. I could believe either. Seriously, what is to stop the apprenti inventing something actively dangerous? What if somebody copies one of the signature moves and shatters their spine. One silly remark by Frances Maude and people were incinerating themselves in their kitchens, I dread to think where this could lead.

No team shuffling this week, with the rate the female candidates are dropping the teams are as gender balanced as they can get. Phoenix are left having a conference in a gym sitting on silver exercise balls. Stephen, who actually works selling Gymn memberships and is clearly so at home that he's actually bouncing up and down, albeit gently on a silver ball. The team are happy to make him project manager, and I'm happy as I think he's one of the unsung heroes of this series. So far a week has not gone by when Stephen hasn't said or done something hilariously stupid. The man can't put a receipt in a bag without dropping it. I am actively gleeful at the prospect of him seeing the inside of the boardroom.

Meanwhile, at Stirling Ricky Martin manages to grab the leadership having experience as an amateur wrestler. Jenna also throws her hat in because of her horse riding experience, but is voted down, probably because listening to her awful droning voice for more than five seconds would drive everyone round the bend. Ricky, still found of rhyming couplets, promises that we will witness the fitness. Fitness here defined as an over boiled ham with embryonic Jedward hair stuffed into a tight suit.

 Ricky thinks the way to go is to follow prevailing trends. Apparently Union Jacks are very popular. But Ricky also thinks Martial arts is the way to go, probably just so he has an excuse to hit someone. Laura thinks street dance is very popular and Ricky decides to combine them. As an idea this is on a par with thinking that chips are popular and so is ice cream so what we need is chip flavoured ice cream.

Stephen, who actually has some experience in this area, reckons they need something completely unique to grab gyms attention. Adam quickly suggests skipping ropes and Katie suggests combining fitness with speed dating. Wait, back up! Seriously? I actually had some respect for Katie, largely because, during the condiment task, she seemed as baffled as I did by some of her fellow candidates daft behaviour. But Speed dating? How would this even work? How could these ideas possibly be combined? Would you switch classes every minute or something? Jade, with a weird expression that is, for once, appropriate, says she wouldn't want to meet someone while hot and sweaty, which I think is a generous comment to make given that I would have said:
"Are you insane? Have you truly abandoned all the laws of God, nature and logic? Is this idea possibly so ridiculous it could break the television, the Apprentice and possibly the universe itself."
Katie's second idea is a retro theme, using equipment from child hood, such as hula hoops and skipping ropes. The rest of the team quickly agree, which suggests her first idea may have been introduced solely to make her second look good, or at least borderline sane, by comparison.

With themes decided, the two teams are sent off to do research. Half of Phoenix end up chatting to dancers about retro, which leads to the disturbing site of Adam doing Thriller moves in overly tight shiny trousers. But they have hit on a new idea. Using space hoppers in place of exercise balls. Stephen is so keen on the idea he takes one with him. Unfortunately, the thing is a bit too big for the car. Stephen avoids the boot, probably out of fear of losing an arm, and so we are treated to the site of two people apparently having a conversation with a space hopper.

 The Space Hopper: considerably more competent than any of the candidates

Ricky, Laura and Jenna have gone to a boxing gym. Or "Ricky and his girls" as the narrator calls them, making him sound like a pimp. I'm half expecting him to show up in a huge fur coat covered in bling. Ricky is keen to demonstrate his combat moves, suit or no suit. He thinks the problem with boxercise is that it doesn't do enough for the elbows. He demonstrates a rotating elbow block that's likely to take out someones eye. The other half of the team is researching street dance. Nick asks to be shown how you would teach street dance to someones granny. The end result is a shuffle forward that leaves no-one in any danger until Ricky elbows them in the face.
Oh for goodness sake, this is going to get someone killed

Research complete, the teams regroup to work out moves with professional trainers whose job is, presumably, to stop them coming up with anything that will kill or severely injure anybody. But Tom has a different concern about Phoenix's retro idea. Are the  gyms going to pay for all these space hoppers, skipping ropes and hula hoops. Stephen thinks this won't be a problem as they already store exercise balls, rather failing to understand the concept of matter that stops two objects occupying the same space at the same time.

The next day dawns and the teams are again split into two. Stephen and Ricky will be working on their pitches, which just involves them talking into a wall, so we won't bother with them. Instead our attention will be on the sub-teams making the promotional videos. Duanne, always keen to be in charge, wants authority to essentially do whatever he likes, which Ricky, remarkably, grants him. Nick has a very pained expression.

For Stirling, Azhar, Jade and Adam have ended up in a disco. Azhar has been roped into appearing in the video and is being squeezed into shorts so small they're in danger of cutting of his circulation. I'm half expecting him to collapse part way through as no blood can make it to his legs. Jade has been made director which leaves Adam with nothing to do, so he is designated Choreographer. This is a bit like putting the kid that no-one wants in the nativity play in charge of props. But Adam is determined to contribute and drives everyone half round the bend by telling them to smile constantly and singing badly out of tune.

Over at Phoenix's video, it has been agreed that Duanne should direct and Laura, who has experience as a dancer, should star in the video. Unfortunately, that's about as much as they've managed to agree on. Duanne has made changes to the moves and Nick is worried that they're losing the combat element. Duanne thinks that everyone is being mean and horrible and won't let him do anything and it's not fair. I may be paraphrasing there, but the gist is that Duanne thinks any criticism at all is an attempt to undermine him and ruin the shoot.

Stirling have moved on to editing and Adam is determined to stamp his authority on the video by quibbling over every little detail. His eye's have started to develop a disturbing bulging quality like something out of Total Recall. He thinks Jade won't listen to him, but doesn't know if its because she's "deaf or thick or what". Another possibility disappears into the mammoth gulf between Adam's self-belief and reality.



Ricky's presentation prep has gone well and he's convinced that the whole team are happy and working well together. Back in the real world, Duanne and Laura are arguing about which is the most stressed while Nick looks on in despair like the embarrassed friend of a barely married couple. He tries to make peace and get everyone to shake hands but even this tiny olive branch is too much for Duanne who thinks they shouldn't force it. The fact that they can't even agree to a handshake is too much for Nick who bursts out laughing in sheer disbelief. Duanne looks sickened, nothing about this process is meant to be fun. I'm really starting to like Nick. The editing doesn't go much better, Duanne essentially ignores any criticism and blunders on regardless.



It's time for the presentations and Phoenix's first stop is Virgin fitness. To be fair to him, Ricky gives a confident performance and makes a decent job of justifying their combination of martial arts and dance, which they have named Beat Battle. Then the video plays which is entirely hum drum. One of the Virgin Fitness bods wants to know how this is different from Zumba. Ricky tries to emphasise the martial arts element, but it isn't present in the video. The team has a quick debriefing after the pitch and Laura suggests demoing some of the moves live at the next pitch. Watch out for those elbows.

Meanwhile, Stirling have arrived at Fitness First, where they are confronted by two people in identical jump suits that make them look members of a cult, and a smartly dressed business woman with an expression like she's never had a good day in her life. Stephen manages to introduce their retro fitness regime, names Groove Train, without saying anything too obviously ridiculous. Then he introduces the video, a disturbingly retro cheese fest accompanied by flash dance and Azhar's tiny shorts. It also highlights the essential problem with their idea, as they only seem to have been able to afford two hula hoops and two space hoppers for five people.

"You like you had a lot of fun making that," business woman says. The unspoken message in her tone is that they don't do fun at Fitness First. "Their is no fun at Fitness First. Their is only work and pain and Fitness. First last and always. Join us. Join the brethren of the blue jump suits. Surrender all your wordly goods." I may be exaggerating somewhat. Stephen is shocked to be asked about the cost of equipment. Apparently they'll get it all for free, but Fitness First are still not happy. Where are they going to store it all? Stepehn is left speechless. Its a pity that no-one like say Tom, had pointed out earlier that this might be a problem.

At Gym chain number two, Laura is demonstrating some Beat Battle moves. Then Duanne attempts to demonstrate the super-punch move in a pin stripe suit, first he forgets it and then nearly falls over. This is really highlighting the combat element. Stephen has moved on from free equipment to charging. Space Hoppers apparently cost £2 and skipping ropes and hula hoops £1, numbers he apparently got from the Bank of his Arse.
 "Oh Sorry"

Having reached Fitness First, Ricky manages to impress with his answers if not his video. He manages to deflect criticism that Beat Battle is just doing a bit of everything by actually suggesting that people can't decide between dancing and punching people, but delivers his answer with such confidence that he gets away with it. Virgin Fitness think Groove Train is a kids routine being miss sold to adults. Stephen is offended, Azhar's shorts are entirely unsuitable for children.

Back at the boardroom the offending video's are scrutinised. Lord Siralan thinks Groove Train is cheesy and they get shredded because of equipment costs, but he summarises Beat Battle as "good" which from the Sugarbot is borderline evangelism. Now its time for the totals Pure Gymn take 3 months of licensing off Stirling for £2970 and Fitness First offers them a one off £5000 fee for development rights. This throws Lord Siralan off, he's used to dealing with straight up sales, not complicated fee systems, how's he supposed to work out the total. Still, things are looking bad for Stephen who has no orders so far. But then Virgin turn up from a bizarre hallucinogenic dream world and offer nothing to Stirling and £12,000 to Phoenix so they can use it as a parent and child class. This is the equivalent of someone offering to take 12000 chocolate tea pots off them so that they can melt them down to make Easter eggs. The status of the equipment and the financial viability of the deal are unquestioned and, amazingly, Phoenix have won.

Relaxing at a spa, Azhar comments to Stephen that this is the taste of success. Both Azhar and Stephen have now tasted success as project managers, funny how success tastes like blind luck.

At the Bridge cafe, Stirling can't even generate the enthusiasm to bitch at one another, they're still in a state of shock from the loss. Back in the boardroom the blame is pinned on the video for being dull and failing to showcase the product. Ricky blames Duanne for the video and Laura for losing the combat element and drags them back into the boardroom. Lord Siralan thinks he's brought back the people who contributed. Ricky concedes, but still thinks they were the ones who failed the task. To be fair, it can't be your fault the team lost if you did nothing and if Jenna and Gabrielle weren't there would anyone have noticed?

Duanne defends Laura, but puts his own neck on the line. Things are looking dicey for Ricky, but his solid pitches save him and given that Lord Siralan thinks Laura shouldn't be there, all that's left is Duanne. Ricky is told he brought in the wrong people and that this is poor management, but it's actually been pretty smart as he has effectively manoeuvred Lord Siralan into firing one of the strong candidates. The loser's taxi is at least argument free, but only because Duanne is on his own.

NEXT TIME the budget only stretches as far as Scotland this year as the teams try to flog roadside foot. Cue Ricky in a kilt, everyone else running about in chef's outfits, someone trying to eat a squirrel and Jenna feeling "physically sick". Now she knows how the rest of us feel having to listen to her.

Tuesday 17 April 2012

Episode 4 - April 11th 2012 - Junk


After being called down to the docks, this week the candidates are sent to the "Old Cinema." At this rate I'm expecting future tasks to be announced at the back of the bike sheds or behind the bins. But in fact, the Old Cinema turns out to be a second hand shop. It isn't open when the candidates file in, but clearly they aren't trusted not to nick anything as someone is sitting behind Lord Siralan watching their every move. This weeks task is to use £1000 to fill a shop with second hand items and sell them for as much as possible.

The team line is up is shuffled slightly, with Ricky moving to Stirling and Jade swapping to Phoenix. The Narrator announces that new Leaders must be chosen in the manner of a US President following the Arab spring. Having won last week, Duane reckons he can lead Phoenix again, but Laura gets the job on the basis that she has set up a retail store before. Choosing a leader based on their actual experience? This is highly irregular.

Laura describes herself as an attractive business woman, but apparently others have called her a Rottweiler. After Killer Whales and Great White Sharks this is something of a climb down in animal metaphor terms, though it's still  better than Phoenix team leader Tom who calls himself "well rounded." This sounds more like a description of a football than a person. But he does have a plan, quality rather than quantity. Katie jumps on board with both feet suggesting they buy five items and make a fortune. This isn't so much a plan as a wish. Are the five items lottery tickets?

Over at Stirling, Laura's plan is to upcycle everything, buy cheap crap than they can add value to by redecorating and repurposing it. As official team creative person Gabrielle is put in charge of this and thinks they should have their own brand. Jenna thinks Union Jacks are very in at the moment. Given that this comes from a woman who championed the splash screen for baths it should probably be taken with a grain of salt. Maybe she watched the first episode and paid too much attention to the tourists?

The next day dawns and the teams split up to look for stock. Stephen, Katie and Adam are given only £200 of the £1000 budget, but are still asked to spend as little as possible. Maybe Tom just plans to keep all the money and give it back at the end? Based on previous team's performances this might actually be a sensible strategy. But the team are soon bitching. Adam thinks its impossible to fill the shop on their budget and that they're not miracle workers. He does claim that they are good sales people and negotiators, a claim less credible than the previous one.

The sub-team end up in an auction house. They seem to be taking their queue from day time TV, but have the message back to front. You're supposed to sell the cheap crap at the auction not buy it there. Nick Hewer says they have committed the mortal sin of not arguing with Tom for more money. Clearly the route to team success on the Apprentice is more arguing. In the end Adam resorts to scavenging from bins round the back for further stock, where he encounters Lord Siralan preparing for next week's task.



Laura's team, meanwhile, are clearing the entire stock of a junk shop. Laura thinks they should look not only for items to sell, but cheap things they can use to upcycle their existing stock. She suddenly shouts "Buttons". Not sure if that was an example or a failed attempt at swearing.

Tom is at a Car boot sale with Jade and Azhar, but he is being very picky about stock. They consider an interesting looking photo frame, before smashing part of it. Deciding they should probably leave it now that they've broken it, Jade offers a perfunctory apology "Sorry about smashing it." I assume the BBC forked out for the damage. This is where your licence fee goes.

Never let an Apprentice handle your merchandise

Stephen, Katie and Adam have moved on to a junk shop to get a few last bits and pieces with their remaining cash. They reckon they've struck gold when they find a secret back room and grab some chairs and a lamp shade. They've clearly been extra cunning finding all the secret stock the shop owner was keeping hidden for himself so that no-one would buy it! He must be furious that they've uncovered his plan. No, apparently he thinks what they've got is a load of crap.

Laura, Duanne and Ricky have stumbled on a house clearance and seem disturbingly gleeful at the news that the owner died and they can just help themselves. There's something faintly ghoulish about Ricky ripping down the curtains and tearing up the carpet. I faintly concerned that if the body was still there he'd be checking it for viable organs. Still, as Duane says, "you don't look a gift horse in the eye." Presumably because if you're watching its eye you can't watch its mouth and it might bite you!

Laura is wondering about her upcycling team and thinks they've probably come up with some really impressive stuff.

Back at the shop, the team are screwing chair legs to suitcases and painting a Union Jack on everything within eye line. Some of the team are questioning the point of adding Union Jacks to everything. Gabrielle claims they're very in at the moment, a piece of information she got from Jenna earlier in the episode. Some of the team are still not convinced. When confronted with her latest creation, Nick says it looks "sort of like a box on a ladder." Possibly because that's what it is. Gabrielle's approach to ordering material doesn't help, as it essentially consists of walking behind Jenna as she phones in an order and then doubling. But don't worry, she's pretty sure they still have loads of money.

Ladder Box

The next day comes and the Apprenti are trying to spruce themselves up for the young trendies shopping in brick lane. Stephen is worried about looking like a complete prat. Someone should probably tell him that that ship has sailed. Tom, on the other hand is wearing excessively tight trousers and is walking very carefully so that he doesn't rip anything. If it comes to a fight between his legs and the trousers it's too close to call.

Actually, the Phoenix shop, Retro Station, has a certain minimalist style. It looks uncluttered, more like a gallery than a shop, but in Brick Lane that isn't entirely out of place. Over at Vintage Gold, Stirling's shop, Nick is throwing leaves on the floor in the mistaken belief that this makes the place look arty. In fact it looks like a derelict shop that the team has broken into and started selling anything that's already there.

The situation isn't improved by some of the Stirling sales team. Duane's attempt to sell a couple of chairs involves pointing out that one is big and the other is small, demonstrating that he does, at least, possess basic spacial awareness. But this effort is still better than Jane chasing punters down the street and offering them chairs. Even Karen Brady is finding it faintly uncomfortable.

 According to Duane, one of these chairs is bigger than the other one

Over at Retro Station, things are going pretty well, so well in fact that they're starting to run out of stock and so Adam, Stephen and Jane are permitted to take some of Tom's precious budget and go by some more. They end up in a boot sale intimidating children. "How much do you want for this camera? 50p?" Adam asks a ten year old before shoving a coin into his hand clearing off. They manage to annoy one stall holder sufficiently that she gives them an ashtray for a quid on the condition that they promise to go away. Stephen reckons you can't get more retro than that, possibly getting confused between a neolithic artifact and an ashtray.


Back at Vintage Gold, Laura has hit on a scheme to give out flyers with discount vouchers. Bizarrely, it seems to work and the shop is soon packed with people. But still they are struggling to shift all the Union Jack stuff. Laura has taken to standing in the doorway yelling "Who will take this furniture off me?" Which is less a sales pitch and more a plea. As the day progresses, the team are offering increasingly desperate low prices. Laura tries to off load a table for a pound to a woman who claims her house is full of stuff, possibly from all the crap the team has already foisted on her. Meanwhile, a bloke in a bow tie's insistence that he will only give £9.25 for an item Jenna wants to sell for £9.50 is starting to look like trolling.

At Retro Station business has been brisk, despite the best efforts of Stephen who manages to drop a customer purchase on the floor when trying to put a their receipt in the bag. What was that about not looking like a prat. Still, things have gone so well that Nick Hewer actually apologises for the scorn he pored on Tom's product selection. "What do I know?" He says. Well, he's not completely alone in his opinions. A middle-aged man informs Adam that he would put all this stuff in a skip. Strange he should say that...

 Not a prat

The day is over and the shops are forced to close up. As the light dims the magic fades and Gabrielle's hastily constructed luggage tables actually start to fall to bits. Too late to do anything about it now. This is as close to a literal fly by night operation as its possible to get without the use of a plane.


Back in the boardroom it transpires that Stirling actually sold slightly more than Phoenix, but they also spent a lot more on materials and stock giving Tom a healthy win. The team are sent off for Swing dance lessons, but unfortunately this is like one of those make overs they have to reverse once the session is over. So all the candidates will be shot in the knees at the end. This may not be true.

Back with Stirling, and the blame is falling squarely on Gabrielle and Jenna for spending too much on materials and failing to add any real value. Karen describes with disdain their attempts at re-upholstering with a staple gun. Gabrielle offers a robust defence, by which I mean she becomes increasingly high pitched until all we can hear is strained squeaking. But somehow she does manage to communicate to Lord Siralan that Laura didn't do much except give pep talks and that she bought too much stock. Laura is still targeting Gabrielle, claiming she didn't do much more than stick masking tape on a window. But shock, it turns out that Gabrielle and Jenna made by far the most sales, more than £400 each, with Jane racking up a measly £10.

But at this point we don't know what they sold, so we can't tell how much their attempts at upcycling helped or hindered the team. Where Gabrielle and Jenna effective upcyclers brought low by Laura's impossible amount of stuff, or are they reckless spend-thrifts producing mountains of crap who also happen to be good at sales? Alas the jury is destined  to remain out, trapped in the waiting room with only the long suffering receptionist and a plate of jammy dodgers for company, as no-one delves into what items actually sold.

Laura drags  back Gabrielle and Jane, sensing weakness because of her lousy sales. Gabrielle has hit on a winning defence, claiming to be the only one contributing. Past boardroom experience has taught her that its better to do something big and stuff up than look boring in the corner. The finger appears to be pointing dangerously at Laura, but then a last minute upset. Jane is fired, apparently Lord Siralan hasn't seen anything in these four weeks to back up her impressive CV. To be fair, she kept the chutney team from disaster while Ricky was poring it down the drain. But she should probably have been booted in week 2 because of the Splash screen.

Jane fights back tears in the taxi. She says Lord Siralan doesn't want her. Well, at least she knows how her kids feel given that she said she cared more about this than whether they were crying.

NEXT TIME. The teams have to come up with an exercise video and pitch it to professionals in 2 days! Either this proves that the workout industry is a total sham and any idiot with a camcorder can slap one together, or this is the most ludicrously unreasonable task ever devised. Either way, someone is coming out of it looking bad.

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Episode 3 - April 4th 2012 - Condiments

There's something faintly disturbing about the candidates being woken in the early hours and told to meet Lord Siralan down at the docks. The suspicion that he may be about to pimp them out is not helped by the revelation that the great hedgehog used to play down here with Safron and Cinnamon, or that he is expecting them to make condom's. Wait, no that was condiments, though he doesn't half stress the first two syllables. Still, the pimp task cannot be far away.

With two women gone its time to shake up the teams, if only in the interest of ensuring gender balance come the final. So Duane and Nick are packed off to Stirling. The two teams are then sent off to a local deli to decide on a table sauce or chutney to produce. Duane wants to be project manager, he doesn't know anything about the industry, but he really wants to be. Gabrielle wouldn't mind the job, but she backs down in the face of Duane's overwhelming need. Because if there's one thing we've learned from the Apprentice it's that what makes a good project manager is an overwhelming sense of desperation.

Katie puts herself forward to lead team Phoenix. But Adam is concerned that it might be a bit complicated for her. He manages to avoid saying "love" and "pretty little head" but manages to project them telepathically. Katie pulls a face like she can't quite believe what's she's hearing. This will become a common expression throughout the task. The rest of the team seem to be in favour. But Ricky's admission that he thinks she will be easy to manipulate suggests that feminism hasn't quite taken hold of the business world yet. The team do manage to decide on a Mediterranean style ketchup.

Stirling, meanwhile, like the idea of chutney. Or possibly just the taste of chutney. Jane actually works in the industry, but her cache is well down after last week's bath riot-shield debacle and so her concerns that the chutney market is horribly over saturated are ignored. This will be characterised as negativity because blind optimism always trumps competence in this show.

The teams are divided into sub-teams, one to go to the factory and produce a sample and the other to design some labels. Stephen reckons he has a good name - Bellissimo, though he's not sure if it's actually Vellissimo and he thinks it means beautiful or great or something. Katie thinks they should probably check what it actually means. Stephen agrees, but spends the rest of the car journey saying it over and over again like a small child who has just learned to speak.

At the label designers, they agree that the label should have a Mediterranean feel, which they decide means sunsets. The first image is quickly rejected for looking like a suntan lotion bottle. But never mind, there must be an alternative sunset they can use? Apparently not as Katie quickly settles on an image of a single red pepper on a white background. And that's it, job done. Sorry, I thought this was a Mediterranean ketchup? I know it's got peppers in it, but that's an incidental ingredient. Slapping that on the label is like advertising the Apprentice with an extreme close up of Nick Hewer's shoes.


"It means beautiful or fantastic, one of those two I'm not a hundred percent sure."

Meanwhile, the Stirling sub-team have come up with a decent modern looking label using brown and yellow colour bars. But it's not all smooth sailing for Stirling. At the factory Jane is in no way being punished for her insubordination by being put in charge of the figures. She knows the industry, but reckons they can't work out their costings without a definitive recipe. Problem is, Duane reckons they can't sort out the recipe until they know what everything costs. While this is going on the rest of the team seem to be throwing any old thing into the pan as they wander by. Chillies, Ginger, more chillies, more ginger. Duane employs the ultimate technique of Apprentice management, he tells Jane he needs a definite answer now. Duane should really work for the UN, just think of all the problems he could solve. Look Israel, Palestine, I need a definite answer now.

With a definite answer of some kind reached, Jane suggests tasting the stuff, only to find that its a touch spicy. Duane's not sure, he takes a big bite and is absolutely fine... cough, cough, choke, aaagh my throat it burns! He goes off for a cough in a corner while the rest of the team giggle, before returning, going off for a  bit more coughing and then deciding they can't use this batch as a sample. Probably a good decision given that the smell from the noxious concoction has even driven off Nick Hewer.

 Yum!

Katie's Phoenix sub-team are pitching to representative from a chain of delicatessens. They seem impressed with the product, except that they've spelt Bellissimo with only one 'l' on the label. Seriously, they spelt it wrong? After Katie said to check it didn't mean crap they couldn't get the spelling right. Actually, given that Stephen is still banging on that bellissimo means beautiful or great or something it seems that his skills are limited to barking out words staccato fashion.

But Stirling have an even bigger problem, no sample to show. Something that the buyers think has never happened before in the history of condiments. Never let it be said that the Apprentice candidates are not trail blazers. Jade does her best to describe the taste of the product in her smoker's cough voice. Impressive given that she never tasted it and it nearly killed the project manager.

But at least Stirling's factory is running smoothly now, with Jane in charge and Duane running up and down like a madman. Over at the Phoenix factory things are not going so well. Despite being able to get out a sample, Ricky's team seem to be struggling with mass-production. One batch has already been lost after it started "boiling like an omelette" to quote Adam. Boiling an omelette? I seriously wouldn't want to eat anything at his house. Once this problem has been solved, the team faces the challenge of getting the stuff into the bottles before it cools down and solidifies. Plus they seem to have picked up a batch of bottle repelling rubber gloves and several  more end up on the floor. Kate is forced to up the price to cover the losses and deploy her disbelieving face again.

Premium Product

The next day, following a quick reshuffle of personnel, the sub teams are deployed again. One to sell to the public, the other to trade. Katie, relying on the higher margins from selling to the public, keeps most of the bottles for her team, sending Michael, Tom and Azhar with only 80 bottles to sell to the trade. Michael reckons this will be easy, a statement not so much tempting fate as force feeding fate a concoction of chocolate, beer and heroin deep fried in batter

Duane divides his jars up evenly and the two teams are off. The Stirling trade team, consisting of Nick, Jade and Jane, presumably because Duane didn't want her around, get off to a dodgy start at a deli. The Chutney maker has spoken, and he isn't interested in non-British products and the team are not going to convince him that these pineapples came from Cornwall. But they have more luck with the buyers from yesterday who have given them another chance. Armed with a sample the team make a substantial sale, but Nick Hewer, not a man known for naive optimism, points out they have gotten rid of them quite cheaply.

Still they're doing better than Duane's sub-team in what looks like Marks and Spencers. They are such a charisma vacuum that their potential customers seem to be ageing around them. Katie and her team are having more success, presumably because having an annoying personality is better than having no personality at all. And their three for £10 deal seems to be going down well.

Alas, Michael's team are struggling. Katie told them not to drop below £1.99 a bottle, and Michael is unwilling to drop to the £1.95 the buyer demands. Azhar and Tom instigates what would be a coup,  but that requires some kind of interaction with the leader. They simply ignore Michael and decide Azhar will take the lead on the next pitch. Michael is left sinking into his seat like a man wondering if he may just be a figment of his own imagination. The team then pick a cafe owner who turns out to be Italian and knows how to spell bellissimo, but he does take twelve bottles off their hands.

 Michael fades into the background

With the day drawing to a close, both Duane and Katie end up flogging their remains cheaply to a corner shop. Reporting back Katie tells Michael that they sold everything leading him to ask "how did you do that?" as if he doesn't fully understand the concept of exchanging goods for money.

Back in the boardroom Adam is keen to claim credit for just about everything, largely because he salvaged a few dregs, while Jane is unwilling to offer Duane her unqualified support and so is labelled disloyal. In the end, Stirling notches up their first win, having sold twice as much product, but then they had twice as much product to sell. Ricky, in an unparallelled display of modesty, reckons it was all the fault of the other guys and that everything right was down to him. Katie's problem is that the major problems occurred in teams she wasn't supervising, so she brings back Michael and Ricky because they were in charge.

Ricky's defence is that he wasn't told this was mass-market sauce. Katie once again deploys her disbelieving face, on the basis that Ricky shouldn't have to be told to make as much as possible. Perhaps he was trying to create artificial scarcity and drive up prices? His second defence is even more impressive, he produced as much sauce as they managed to sell. So if they had made any more it wouldn't have sold. The fact they had to up their prices and lower their margins due to wastage hasn't occurred to him yet. But feeble as they are, his defences are still better than Michael who just seems confused by everything and can only claim to have started from nothing and had no education as though this is a good thing.

Alas, arrogant and stupid trumps boring and Michael is dispatched. Katie came up with some feeble marketing, but given they had nowhere near enough product to sell it hardly became an issue Ricky escapes due to entertainment value and Michael is packed off in a taxi, looking relieved to be getting away.

NEXT TIME the candidates sell second-hand goods. Well I say second-hand, Adam seems to be sourcing his from a bin. And Laura resorts to begging.

Tuesday 3 April 2012

Episode 2 - 28th March 2012 - Gadgets

The early morning wake up call catches the Apprenti off guard this week, particularly Stephen who reckons they must be "havin' a laugh," giving them only fifteen minutes to get up and prompting history's must over the top stretch. Honestly, after seven series you would think the contestants would be ready for pointless early morning wake up calls and would try getting an early night.

The two teams are dragged to the Victoria and Albert Museum on the grounds that its a show case for British design and this is a design task. It also has the advantage of a central space with a huge balcony allowing Lord Siralan to gives his order while staring down on the assembled Apprenti like a Medieval King. This week, the apprenti, still divided Boys against Girls, must develop a new household gadget and flog it to some selected retailers.

The design task, a staple of the early weeks of the series, is always a delight because it's completely unfair. Chuck the candidates into a totally unfamiliar industry and then expect them to invent a new product, that no-one has ever thought of before, in two hours, get a proto-type made and sell it. The end result is two terrible products of which the slightly less terrible will lose and, either way, Lord Siralan can berate the losers for their total lack of design sense.

All of which leaves us with the question of who would want to project manage such a thankless task? Stirling, the Girls team, has two volunteers, Katie and Jane. Both have experience bringing products to market. But Jane reckons she can lead from a strategic level, as opposed to a spirit level I suppose, while Katie is really excited. The girls clearly favour strategy to excitement, plus Katie is a bit wet, and Jane gets the job leaving Katie in a bit of a huff. Jane claims to be a good team player, providing its a team she's leading.

Over at Phoenix, only Azhar seems to want the job as Project manager. He claims  to be the "Killer Whale of the Sea World", a role already taken by the Killer Whale. I am not sure he understands the concept of a metaphor. Still he supports his claim with the evidence that he is "intelligent, polite and nice." I'll give him intelligent, but are Killer Whales know for their polite niceness? When they disembowel a great white shark and eat its liver, I'm not sure the shark is thinking about the Whale's good manners.Also, I'm pretty sure that Killer Whales work well as a team.

 The Killer Whale of the Sea World

With PM's chosen it's on to the design. Phoenix have decided on a kitchen gadget and Duane has an idea for a recycling bin that can compress food waste down. He reckons he's on to a winner here because all that not-gratuitously destroying the planet eco-shit is dead fashionable at the moment.

Stirling, who have fixed on a bathroom gadget are struggling. So far they have failed to even identify a problem in the bathroom, let alone a solution. Eventually, Laura suggests a splash guard to keep small children from messing up the floor. Even she isn't that enthused by it, it's the "only problem" she has in the bathroom. When the only problem with the bathroom is that you may get wet you are clearly reaching.

The teams are sub-divided for market research purposes with one team talking to retailers and the other to a focus group. But on the way, Phoenix focus group team member Adam has a new idea, rubber gloves with built in sponges for easy cleaning. This is clearly a better idea than the bin because, according to Adam, no-one throws away much food but you wash up three times a day. I admire his diligence to the cause of clean crockery, I question how he manages to wash up three times a day and still have a 110% to give to the tasks.

At the Stirling focus group Laura opens by saying she wants to talk about a 'practical product.' Well I suppose it can be considered positive that they weren't actively trying to be impractical from the start. Though it turns out the Splash Guard may not be that practical after all. Mothers are concerned that it may restrict access to the child. But the girls have one idea left up their sleeves, a tap cosy. Okay it's actually a kind of cushion to put over the taps of your bath so you can rest your feet on them, which isn't entirely awful. But tap cosy? Who wants to keep their taps cosy. I'm pretty sure that one will keep itself cosy and the other shouldn't be cosy at all. In spite of the dodgy name both the focus group are in favour and, following a brief phone conference, both sub-teams agree to go with dubiously named cosy.

Over at Phoenix's focus group, opinion is equally positive for the eco-bin and the sponge gloves. Although one focus group member wouldn't buy the gloves but would just buy a sponge. Adam must have mentally filtered him out though as he declares the group unanimously in favour of the gloves. Now he just has to convince the rest of the team. Unfortunately, Azar thinks that someone else already sells something similar to Adam's gloves. He can't tell  you who, or who told him that, or why he thinks that, but he's pretty convinced. Then Stephen accidentally lets slip that they didn't really look at the gloves idea. Azar thinks they have to go with the bin because they need a product that will work in modern Britain, or something. The sub-team are seriously hacked off and Ricky remarks that they've "invented the bin." I'm not sure that that's any worse than inventing the glove.

Meanwhile, at Stirling the girls are having second thoughts. Jenna s concerned that it will  be too difficult to attach the cosy to the taps. In contrast to a massive plastic screen that should be child's play to attach to a smooth surface. She is hugely concerned that the tap cosy is too mind boggling a concept and drones on at lengths about simplicity. So much so that she appears to have put Maria to sleep. Jane asks if Maria has any thoughts and, having suddenly returned from Dreamland, she relies on the standby excuse of the midday dozer, that she wasn't asleep she was "thinking". With Maria deep in  thought, Jane decides to switch products.

 Maria, deep in thought

The only problem is that Jane's hasn't told the sub-team, who are already discussing cosy fabric with a designer, while Jane's team are talking about splash screen design with a different designer. At this rate there's a dangerous possibility that team Stirling will end up with a fabric screen. Fortunately, Kate gets on the phone to ask how the cosy design work is coming on. Jane seems surprised at the question, possibly assuming she was psychic. Kate justifiably points out that the market research was totally against the screen and that if they ignore it the sub-team have wasted the morning. Jane takes this into consideration and strategically ignores it. But she does give the sub-team the opportunity to choose the name "kid-splash" or "splish-splash." They think "kid-splash" so Jane chooses "splish-splash" just underline how worthless their opinions are.

At Phoenix Adam at his sub-team are similarly hacked off. Duane is emphasising the importance of the bin's ability to squash rubbish, but no-one is really listening. Ricky thinks Azhar is insensitive and failing to empathise with them. That's the problem with Killer whales, unfailing polite but insensitive and lacking empathy.

The girl's are disturbingly excited by the product. Gabrielle declares it to be "amazin'," though doesn't specify why. Laura questions why no-one has invented this before, a question that more or less answers itself. It's left to Katie to point out that there's water all over the floor, meaning they have a product that fails to do the one thing it was designed to do. Nevertheless, the team goes to bed insisting they've got in the bag, which makes me worry about the the plastic from the screen may be producing some dodgy fumes.



The next day comes and the teams are driven off to their pitches. Stirling are still working out their figures having spent all the previous night playing with splish-splash and its range of water proof crayons and plastic ducks. It didn't stop any water,  but that doesn't seem to matter now. The team have worked out a tiered pricing structure offering a lower price to the retailer depending on the amount they order, unfortunately to get any kind of discount you need to order 100,000 units and for maximum value you need to order a million. Still the first retailer is Amazon who have a 144 million customers globally, so Jane is confident that this in no way and insanely ambitious goal. But then, listening to Jenna, it sounds like their offering all one million for £7.48 which sounds like a pretty good deal.

Jane gives a confident presentation and the retailers seem impressed, until the suggestion of one million units comes up. I think one of them almost pops an eyeball. But Jane is ready to compromise with a suggestion of only 500,000. Unfortunately, Stirling's figures don't add up. Jane turns the presentation over to her "Financial Team" which consists of Gabrielle and Jenna. They appear to be deep in discussion, but it's not clear that's about figures. They might just be discussing Heat magazine given their total inability to offer a coherent response. After the presentation, Katie is concerned about the unrealistic figures and one million unit order suggestion. She doesn't want to be laughed at. She may want to reconsider her decision to appear on this show.

Phoenix are preparing for their presentation and, concerned that too many people will be talking at once, have decided only Azhar and Stephen should speak, even during questions. This seems odd to Duane, as he's the designer, but surely Stephen as salesperson extraordinaire will be up to the job. He opens by saying that he would love to introduce the product, that 72% of people cook at home and dumping rotten vegetables on their desk as a demonstration. The retailers want to know what the bin's USP is. Stephen responds by saying "that's a great question" the universal code for "I haven't the foggiest idea." Fortunately, Duane breaks Azhar's edict and pipes up. His answer is pretty good, but he does suggest keeping the bin on your desktop. Word of warning, if you're cooking at your desk you're working too hard even for the Apprentice.

In the car on the way to Lakeland, the second retailer, team Stirling are trying to sort out their figures. Jenna has "simplified" the pricing structure in much the way George Osbourne "simplified" pensioner's tax allowances. When Katie points out that it's cheaper to order fewer units, Jenna throws a temper tantrum and huffily says Katie should do the figures.

At Lakeland it's Laura's turn to give the presentation. But the Lakeland buyer has hit on a problem. If the crayons are water proof, what's to stop the child drawing on the bath. Well, surely you can just reach in and stop them? It's not as if there's a huge piece of plastic blocking your way or anything.

Azhar has decided that Duane can speak in this presentation, probably because he's realised that Duane will pipe anyway even if told not to. Stephen's role now appears to be relaying the questions to Duane, making sure to point out how great the questions are first.

Only two retailers this time, it must be the tough economic climate, so the teams are dragged back to the boardroom. Stirling are hugely confident for some reason. Lord Siralan doesn't seem impressed by the product which he thinks looks more like a toy than a gadget. This appears to mind-boggle Jane who burbles that it's a "portable product". Jenna utters the dread word "multi-purpose". Lord Siralan is also amused at their attempt to solicit a million orders, insisting that no product ever gets a million orders out of the gate. Jane responds that she believed in the product. Though possibly in the way that some people believe in Creationism or Scientology.

 The Sugar Screen

Turning to Phoenix, Lord Siralan is amazed at how small the bin is, an odd statement given that it looks like a giant cafetiere. How much rotting vegetable matter does he have to get rid of? The team, and particularly Duane, stick the knife in Azar's back claiming he was a bad project manager.

At first things are looking good for Stirling, getting 7500 orders from Amazon to Phoenix's 3000. But Lakeland didn't want any splash screens allowing the boys to romp home with 10000 orders. Phoenix are duly packed off to a private room at the Ivy. Private, presumably, to stop them bothering the other customers. Adam is being magnanimous given that Duane's product won the day, but Azar's claim that they won the day because everyone was in the right place, is met with a stoney silence of confusion and disdain. It's left to Ricky to sum up Azar in verse form: "he's got the gear but no idea."

Stirling, and Jane in particular, are outraged at their defeat thinking they didn't deserve to lose. Maria isn't going to take this lying down, which is a bit rich from the girl caught sleeping. Still there's little danger of that happening now as she's had at least three sugars in her tea.

Back in the boardroom, Jane blames the failure of the task on Katie and Maria because they failed to contribute and 'were giving it all that.' Apparently so much so that they caused Jenna to lose basic maths skills and Gabrielle to fall into a black hole. As far as Jane is concerned criticising product is unforgivable. They are, after all, criticising her fundamental religious beliefs or something.

Jenna's defence for screwing up the figures is that no-one else stepped up. Jane also insists that Katie and Maria were given a chance. If you call Jenna getting to a sulk and saying "you do the figures then" counts as a chance rather than a temper tantrum. Jane blames Katie and Maria for this, but Maria insists she did nothing. She may be right but repeating the phrase "I did nothing" doesn't send quite the right signal.

Jane is keen to bring Katie and Maria back into the boardroom, but Lord Siralan warns her that she has to make a rational choice, so she chooses Jenna. But once the others have gone she lays into Maria and makes it apparent that she only brought Jenna in because she felt forced. Hint for Jane, second guessing who you think Lord Siralan wants in the room and then moaning about it is not exactly rational.

But Nick, Karen and Lord Sugar are not exactly impressed with Maria. Nick thinks she's too loud, suggesting Countdown may have effected him, Karen says she has a lot of energy, having missed the bit when she fell asleep. Maria doesn't help her cause by saying that Jane was a good project manager before saying she causes aggression and should be fired.

Jenna and Jane do their best to get fired. Jenna by repeating the phrase "I don't shy away" so much that you wish she would and Jane by claiming she's more upset by this than her crying son. I hope he's not watching or they'll be yet more tears. Nevertheless, Maria has committed the mortal sin of being loud, but not incompetent in an interesting way and she is shown the door. However, Lord Siralan is still "deeply disappointed" by the girls lack of business sense and dangles the threat of a double firing. But in the end he decides to save it for when it will make the most impact and the two are packed off back to the house. They don't even bother to say goodbye to Maria. Still she doesn't seem to bothered reckoning she'll get her investment another way, possibly bu dosing off in front of Dragon's Den.

Next week the teams are producing condom-ments (judging by the narration). Things go seriously wrong, again, and it looks like one team nearly poisons Nick Hewer.