Saturday 18 May 2013

Episode 3 - May 15th 2013 - Flat pack

Okay, so "Napoleon syndrome" is a bit of a cliche and having a go at Lord Siral's height is pretty cheap, but the man has chosen to greet his Apprenti by looking down at them from a balcony so high that it practically has its own snow cap. The ones at the back have to crane their neck so much they've practically severed their spines. I'm guessing someone had tell them what the task was in the car park afterwards, because there's no way they heard a thing.

Aagh, my neck!

This week it's the design task and the teams have to come up with a new piece of flat pack furniture. Design tasks are always unreasonably hard given the time constraints, but somehow the candidates always make it worse for themselves in the most obvious ways.

Surprisingly, Lord Siral keeps the teams the same this week. Not sure what this is about, maybe he's just hoping the girls will continue to screw up so he can fire them one at a time in some sadistic revenge plan against their entire gender for Stella English (Add link)? Natalie, who wants to do something with fashion and declares herself to be creative, but is also a bit shrill ends up in charge. Predictably, she is unable to keep them from all talking at once. Jordan leads the boys and at least seems to keep them taking turns, though Kurts earnest pitch for a chair that doubles as a bin suggests that giving him the chance to talk may have been a mistake.

 Kurt and the shit-chair

Naturally both teams fall into the usual design task trap of coming up with a 'multi-purpose' product, despite just about every designer we have ever seen on the show saying this is a terrible idea. The girls idea kind of originates with Francesca's idea for a cube, but rapidly mutates into some kind of surreal dream. Each side has to have its own use, but the ideas seem more numerous than the sides with cushions, storage space and laptop holders all being suggested. Alex's idea for a chair that converts into a table, for people who definitely need furniture but are nonchalant about what kind, is positively restrained by comparison.

 The Infinity cube

With the ideas pretty much settled the teams have to sub-divide, one half to do design and the other half to do market-research which is largely pointless as they have already decided on a product. Team Morse seem to have realised this limit theirs to question two people at a bus-stop who don't really like the idea. They do somehow manage to come away with something useful, deciding it should probably be upholstered. On the design side Jason thinks this is impossibly complicated, but he's quickly overruled, the rest of the team having worked out by now that anything coming out of his mouth is the opposite of good sense.

In a rather unusual twist, the market research team are also expected to gather materials for the prototype. Having pushed for upholstery, the team goes shopping for fabric. Zee thinks he's found something, in a kind of sickly green. He thinks it looks "minty fresh" I'd say more mouldy. Meanwhile, the design team are arguing over how to use a ruler and Jason thinks Jordan is too unusual a height to serve as a model.

Alex determines the exact size of his arse

Under the direction of Uzma, who seems to have slightly more sense than most candidate if only because she seems faintly horrified by them, the Evolve sub-team are trying to whip the cube into a shape that isn't wholly an abomination. They've dispensed with a lot of the maddest ideas, though they still seem obsessed with putting a cushion on it, but Uzma wants multiple units to interlock in some way, and for to have rounded corners, and a lid, and need no glue for assembly. This product is rapidly trying to encompass all of human experience in a single flat pack.

Jason struggles with the hobbit door

Prototypes arrive the next day. Team Morse's looks a but undsteady and too high, but you can essentially see the point. The Evolve design team seem to have produced something that doesn't look wholly ridiculous, essentially its a novelty coffee table on wheels with a lid so you can store things in. But is made out of a nasty rough wood and coloured in what might be best described as 'wet newspaper grey'. The forlorn beige cushion, procured by the market research team sits forlornly on top, the prototypers having given up on finding a way to attach it. Karen Brady thinks the team is putting a brave face on it, but an 'into the valley of death road the five hundred' face on it might be nearer the mark. Only Rebecca seems non-plussed, having apparently not got the memo about staying mindlessly optimistic.

With built in cushion

As per usual, Lord Siral has "laid on" (seriously, what is it with this man and "laying on", laying on what exactly? Toast? The slab?) two companies for them to pathetically beg for orders, sorry, pitch to. One of them is referred to as a 'major retailer' which I suppose is because of BBC advertising rules. They start by calling the other one a 'catalogue retailer' but give up pretty quickly when everyone realises that just means Argos. They don't seem particularly impressed with either product, though it probably doesn't help that Alex spends the demo showing the Argos representatives his arse as he twists and alan key.

At least it's perfectly measured

As well as pitching to the big names, the two teams also have to trawl around looking for small shops that might take an interest. The girls have decided to divert attention from the cubes cube-ishness by giving it the somewhat twee name 'Tidy sidy'.  But by completely ignoring the supposed 'multi-functionality' and presenting it as a designer coffee table they manage to give a presentation that isn't actively humiliating.

Over at the boys teams Zee is trying to assert his right to present. He is given a couple of goes, but seems to have interpreted 'don't take no for an answer' as don't even listen to what the customer is saying. He decides that being told that the product doesn't fit their demographic is a good time to start talking about numbers. After two goes Jordan has had enough and cuts Zee off in a show of authority that suggests he may be a candidate to watch.

Back in the boardroom Lord Siral inspects the merchandise. He makes sarcastic remarks but seems to like or hate both of them roughly equally, though he seems slightly impressed by the glue free construction of the cube. When it comes to totting up the numbers, the boys have sold slightly more to the small shops, but then the 'major retailer' likes the chair and puts in 1000 (check) orders but not the cube. Every thing's riding on Argos. They order 2000 (check) chairs. Karen drags out the tension, or just tries to extend the run time of the episode. They loved the pitch and the team, it looks like we're in for an upset, but no they hated the product the Evolve get no orders and lose for the third week in a row. The boys are ordered to climb up the side of the O2 arena, which is a treat, apparently, and not another task.

With the boys gone, Lord Siral lays into the cube, which he decides is a "wishy washy, poxy boxy" (see what he did there?"). One thing you can say for Lord Siral, he can always spot a dodgy product. All he has to do is take one look at the sales figures and he can immediately tell that it was shit the whole time. The girls, lacking his insight are in trouble. Uzma gets a lot of the blame, having headed the design team, and is suddenly on the receiving end of a barracking from an increasingly shrill Natalie. It's starting to look like her head is boiling.


Lord Siral wants to know how Natalie can be planning a creative business (something to do with dress design), but he isn't interested in listening to other people talk. Sophie is also in the firing line for having not contributed anything. Not contributing to the design of the cube sounds like a pretty good defence, but  Sophie probably doesn't help her chances by saying that she can't sell, can't pitch and can't design. She can do market research, but as in Apprentice world, this amounts to asking people questions only for the answers to be ignored, this is a fairly replaceable skill.

Lord Siral dithers back and forth about whose getting fired, before finally settling on Sophie. Not uncommon for week three, if they haven't done anything interesting by now they probably aren't going to.

Next Time: the teams genetically engineer their own breed of cow or something.

Friday 10 May 2013

Episode 2 - May 8th 2013 - Beer

The candidates have evidently been woken up early judging by Jason's fetching striped pyjamas and are called to the Old Bank. Which is a pub, a fact which Luisa delights in telling everyone, bouncing around the house like a demented pixie. Lord Siralan has the teams making flavoured beer. Oh good, a food task, nothing like an opportunity for a mass poisoning to really focus the candidates.

 She actually squeaks!

Tim wants to start a drinks company if he gets the 250 grand, so Lord Al puts him in charge of the girl's team, Evolve. This may be a punishment for speaking up in the boardroom when he had already won. You can't fault Tim's enthusiasm, but he gestures so elaborately that its probably best to stand back a few metres or risk losing an eye. He gets off to a decent start, suggesting that everyone should have a turn to speak instead of talking all over one another, but his suggestion of a low-fat beer for women is met with appropriate levels of derision and he ends up 'overruling himself' which is a bit like killing yourself to deny the enemy the satisfaction.

The teams are once again required to divide, with half being sent off to do marketing and the other to manufacture the product. This is a great opportunity for conflict because one team is trying to sort out branding while the other is still working out what the product is supposed to be. Kurt, put in charge of Team Morse because of his drinks company experience, decides to head up the marketing before sending three people who don't like beer and one, Zeeshaan, who can't drink for religious reasons. Kurt's reasoning is that if he doesn't drink beer he has no idea how it's marketed.. But then if he doesn't drink it he can't try it either.

Kurt pretty quickly demonstrates his level of respect for the sub-team by ignoring the results of their taste test completely and deciding on a chocolate and orange beer because they like the colours of something. Neil quickly claims credit for the flavour, branding and the name 'bitter this', before going on to claim he invented beer, brewing and the whole concept of pouring liquids into your face. On the plus side, the branding looks decent and the manufacturing team are getting on with a kind of defeated efficiency.

Team Evolve are also doing well with the branding, in spite of Luisa's determination to cut off the designer in mid-flow in order to bang on about something completely different. Things are not going so well at the plant. Francesca has been put in charge of the ratios of flavouring to beer, only to get monumentally confused and adding a toxic level of caramel and rhubarb to a keg. The notion that there is such a thing as a toxic level of rhubarb and caramel flavour is the idea I find troubling. Having wasted a keg the team will surely sort out their numbers now rather than waste more money and material? Nope. Another keg is down the drain. Eventually the mess is sorted out and the team can get on with bottling, but they seem to be losing a lot of product over the floor. I've heard of the expression 'couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery' but I'm not sure pissing half your product up a wall is actually a good business strategy.

 Making beer in a brewery
A piss-up in a brewery

The next day the teams are sub-divided once again, this time one team will sell to the public and one to the trade. Team Morse set off for a beer festival. If anyone is up for a chocolate and orange beer it will be this crowd and the team initially does some pretty good business. Unfortunately, they are charging twice as much as everyone else. Jordan points this out to Kurt. A quick decision is needed and Kurt quickly decides to have an argument in the middle of trade floor.

Eventually the team gets bored and takes a two hour trip to the South bank where Kurst decides to completely reverse his earlier policy and offers beer for a lower price than just about anywhere in central London. Shockingly this leads to a big jump in sales.

Things do not go so well for Tim. Following a suggestion from Rebecca his team end up at the Kent Beer festival, which turns out to be about two dozen people at the back of a pub. Tim is not one to despair and before long he's doing ad breaks during the Morris Dancing. The team everntually leaves having sold a pint to just about everyone at the festival and still only having gotten rid of a keg and a half. They end up at trying to flog bottles at a wine bar, which suggests someone doesn't quite understand what beer is.

 Somehow, Tim is the most embarrassed

On the trade side, team Evolve are doing a decent professional job, despite Rebecca's tendency to jab her finger into everyone's face. Things don't go quite so well for the boy's sub-team of Alex, Jason and Zeeshaan.They get off to a bad start when Zee insists that not only must Jason not speak during pitches, but he isn't even allowed to talk about sales. This slightly paranoid demand may be a response to his experience with Neil whose definition of letting Zee lead the pitch consisted of bellowing into his ear. Our sympathies should be with Jason, but he manages to argue at such extragvagent length that an exasperated Alex ends up exclaiming 'shut up you silly shit!"

Matters go from shit to shittier when they arrive at a pub the girl's have just vacated with no sign of a sample and are largely humiliated out of the building. Zee chooses his moment to claim that this was inevitable, though apparently not so inevitable that he bothered to mention it earlier. Queue a long ranty argument over the phone with Kurt's team about who exactly is responsible for this.

Now with samples in tow, the not entirely adequate three end arrive at another pitch with samples in tow. Things go much better now that they actually have a product and Zee is edging down from £90 a keg when Jason decides to offer it to them for £75 for no apparent reason. Not a smart move, certainly, but bollocking him in front of customers might be considered unprofessional Zee. The bollocking continues, Alex now decides he is a "dozy pleb" into the street and by pitch number three Jason is practically tied up in a sack to keep him out of trouble.

 Make up your mind Alex, silly shit or dozy pleb?

Back in the boardroom, Jason is keen to ensure that Alex and Zee are punished. Apparently Alex "disgraced" Lord Sugar by swearing and his pitch was deceptive. Lord Siral isn't overly impressed, for him ethics stops at the point legality meets profit. Unsurprisingly, team Evolve sold more to the trade, but team Morse wiped the floor with their sales to the public. Sadly, this means the more entertainingly incompetent candidates have been spared and are duly packed off to Belgium where Alex swans around with his coat over his shoulders like a gangster and no-one talks to Jason.

 The Mob is in town

Things are looking pretty bleak for Tim, but his own team throw him a lifeline by blaming Francesca for the cock up over the flavour ratios and Rebecca for the choice of location. Rebecca claims that an alliance has formed against her. No simple conspiracy for her, nothing less than full on military power will topple her mighty sales skills. Personally, I think Uzma just snapped after having one too many fingers shoved in her face. Rebecca has a good defence in that she actually made the most sales. Francesca doesn't, but bad at counting makes for a dull reason to fire someone and out Tim goes.

Back at the house, none of the girls seem very happy to see Rebecca, while Neil 'jokes' that a few more of the boys should get themselves fired. He's not making any friends here.

Next time: the teams try to come up with sub-Ikea flat back furniture and produce a cross between modern art and a weapon.

Wednesday 8 May 2013

Episode 1 - May 7th 2013 - Container

Apparently this is a difficult time to be looking for investment, but I'm not sure that's a good reason to be putting up with 12 weeks of abuse from a creature half-hobbit and half-brillo pad, but here are sixteen more volunteers. We get off to a cracking start when Zeehan claims to take inspiration from Napoleon, which presumably means he plans to be beaten by half of Europe and exiled to a small island. This is followed by some fantastic examples of corporate bollo-speak from the rest. Though to be fair, this was probably prompted by a producer asking them "what's the worst possible thing you could say at this point?" before rolling the camera.

 An unbelievable offer

Lord Siralan has dragged them to the boardroom at midnight, because nothing gets the business juices flowing like sleep deprivation. He has apparently read all the CVs and thinks its all bullshit and that actions are more important than words, which leaves us wondering why they needed extensive auditions when they could have grabbed sixteen random people off the street? Still we're moving quickly this year, there's barely time for any snarky remarks before he's demanding to know who will be project managers.

Jaz volunteers for the girls almost before he's finished asking the question. Jason, somewhat more cautiously throws his cap into the ring for the boys. He may be trying to prove something as Lord Siralan didn't sound impressed when he admitted to having spent years studying ancient Greek. He always claims not to care about anyone's background, but Lord Al is remarkably touchy about anyone having any formal education beyond which way round to hold a pencil.

The teams are being sent out to the docks to collect some shipping containers full of stuff to sell, all of which must be gone by 4pm the next day, which makes it sound like it may involve contraband or narcotics. In the end, the teams are presented with a collection of water bottles, cat litter, toilet rolls, bubble wrap, leather jackets, and lucky waving cats. Possibly less about shifting contraband and more cleaning out the cupboards at Sugar towers.

But before that the teams need names. The girls reject Asteroid, possibly sensibly given its association with things crashing and burning and settle on Evolve, while the boys come up with Endeavour, which is likely to get ITV's legal team on the case.

The newly christened teams try to divy up stock and come up with a strategy. Jaz is full of enthusiasm but not much else and the girls feel patronised. But if Jaz is a teacher, Jason is the slightly pathetic teacher left repeating himself while the class talks over him. He delegates sub-team management to Neil, a man who doesn't understand the difference between beard and chest hair. He also thinks that Jason has surrendered team leadership to him, which suggests he doesn't understand hierarchies either.

The freshly divided sub teams set off with a van each and a copy of the yellow pages because the Internet doesn't exist in Sugar world. Both teams try to get rid off the water first. Rebecca thinks she's a brilliant salesperson who won't stop until she's made a deal, but she seems slightly shocked when the pub owner she's talking to says he doesn't sell a lot of water. "What you don't want to buy whatever I want to sell you at whatever price I want to charge?"

For team Morse, Alex is pitching water to a coach company. By which I mean trying to sell it, not throwing it at their heads, though the later is not unlikely on this show. Alex is a typical Apprentice type; 22 but looks twice that and Managing Director of his own company which probably sells buttons out of his Mum's bedroom or something. He also has a face like a 1970s Doctor Who villain and eyebrows like evil caterpillars. Despite this, he comes across as moderately good humoured and likable, possible because of his welsh accent which isn't ideally suited for self-important bollocks.

 Alex Mills - Company Director... of EVIL

He manages to shift the water by charging 12p a bottle, which is the same price they pay their regular supplier which means they're not so much doing a deal as doing him a favour. Evolve, meanwhile have managed to shift their water to a chain of American diners.

Jason's team are trying to get rid of the horrifying gold, waving cats to a casino. The manager is reluctant until Myles, who looks a bit like Jeremy Kyle doing an advert for 'Just for men', offers to throw in the batteries. At first I thought this was a clever way to make two sales at once until I realised they didn't have any batteries, and the team are left desperately scrounging around for some before unpackaging all the cats and installing them in a car park. There's going the extra mile to make a sale and there's taking a three week walking holiday in the Lake District.

 By men for men

But team Evolve aren't doing much better with their cats. Jaz has lead them to China town, which is rather like driving up to an igloo with an ice maker. Plus, no-one in China town is up yet. Jaz's team are left wandering Oxford street trying to get rid of Union Jack mugs, which is about as hopeless a task as trying to sell lucky cats in Chinatown. When it looks like they've made a sale, Jaz actually hugs the guy, until it's revealed that he isn't actually the manager and the manager has quite enough cheap shit with flags painted on it.

 Saw them coming

At Battersea Dogs and Cats home, Neil has delegated the sales pitch to Zeehan, which according to his logic should mean he has given up all control of the team. Except, letting Zee lead the sales pitch actually means shouting over his shoulder. Because or in spite of the pitch the team still manages to clear a sale.

With the end of the day fast approaching, Rebecca manages to redeem herself somewhat by flogging the bubble wrap and toilet rolls to an office supply depot. Jason, meanwhile is left trying to get rid of ukuleles, has he considered throwing them in a bush? Remarkably, a passing music shop leads to an eleventh hour sale.

Back in the boardroom, neither team seems much impressed by their project managers. Neil reckons he pretty much lead the team. Though he put in such a memorable performance that Alex calls him Liam. But when the figures are totted up, Team Morse comes ahead by £58. Remarkably, winning the task isn't enough for Tim who, stung by Lord Siralan's earlier criticisms, feels the need to make a speech. Candidates have talked their way in and out of the boardroom and even into being fired, but trying it after having won is certainly a new one.

By way of reward they are packed off to their temporary home, which looks like a large shed wedged between two nicer houses but is actually quite impressive on the inside, incorporating a massive stair well that looks ideal for plummeting to your doom. While the boys enjoy a slap up feast, the girls are packed off to the usual cafe. Given that the boardroom showdown isn't until the next day, this suggest the uncomfortable possibility that they were left driving around the streets until the boys were finished, like unwanted parents at a teenagers birthday party.

 Death Plunge

Next day in the boardroom, the sub-team is determined that they won't take the fall as they made the bulk of the teams profit. But Uzma comes under fire for not having sold anything. She argues that she was handling logistics, but this isn't enough to keep her out of the final three. Sophie is also dragged in. She spotted that trying to sell lucky cats in China Town was a dumb idea, but didn't actually get any sales and spent most of the day whinging.

Capricious as ever, Lord Siralan decides that logistics is actually a thing this week and that Uzma is being scape-goated. Sophie is looking under pressure but in the end its Jaz who gets fired. Apparently she caused 'mayhem' if you define mayhem as four women on a shopping trip.

The girls return to the house where the remaining candidates appear to be having a pyjama party.

Next Time: Twice in one week, we are really being spoiled. The teams attempt to produce flavoured beer and end up with something closer to chemical warfare, and Jason is a 'silly shit' according to Alex.