Episode 12 - June 3rd 2012 - Final

Well here we are at the final episode. It's time for the interviews. I have to say, I don't really like this round and was genuinely sorry when it was made the final. For me, the fun part of the Apprentice is watching a bunch of arrogant, self-important people make fools of themselves by making mistakes that everyone can see coming, while ignoring all sensible advice. Of course the tasks themselves are contrived and unreasonable, but at least the Apprenti are effectively digging the own graves.

The Interview round is different. Here the surviving candidates, usually the least worst of the bunch, are confronted by a group of people whose job is to be even more obnoxious than they are. The candidates are interrupted, ignored and insulted and expected to just sit their and take it. It doesn't help that its inevitably a stitch up. The worst example came in series 3 when, eventual winner Lee, was ordered to do his pterodactyl impression and then told off for doing something so inappropriate in an interview. Then it was revealed that he had lied about his qualifications on his CV, something the production team most have know about but kept to themselves so it could be used against him.

The interview round is fundamentally unfair and that makes the candidates sympathetic, and that's the last thing we want.

 Firing squad

Anyway, the interview round is what we get so I'm going to have to make the most of it. The candidates are assembled and asked to summarise their proposed business in one line. This is a new innovation, probably introduced because last year no-one, even Lord Siralan, fully understood what they were babbling on about. Nick wants to add a button to food websites that allows the user to buy all the ingredients for a recipe with one click. Tom plans to set up a £25 million wine hedge fund, essentially what he already does on a much larger scale. Jade wants to run Europe's largest telemarketing call centre (!!!). Ricky waffles for a while about ethical and sustainable businesses until Lord Siralan gets him to boil it down to a recruitment company. Again, the job he already does. These plans actually sound quite reasonable compared with last years, which included a posture consultant company, a concierge service for the poor and a charity. Even Jade's, which is a borderline crime against humanity, sounds like it could actually make money.

No that's proper Evil. "Pure Evil" take note.

Next up its time to meet the interviewers, each of whom are introduced with a kind of nickname, like their professional wrestlers. Ricky should be right at home. Two of them "Award Winning" Mike Suter and "Former Young Entrepreneur of the Year" Matthew Reily are essentially the same, faintly evil looking men in dark grey suits. Then we have "No Nonsense" Margaret Mountford, veteran of many an Apprentice series, who perfected the art of looking like a disapproving head mistress when Karen Brady was still in nappies or running a football club, whichever came first. Finally we have the hulking, Baron Greenback like form of Claude Litner "King of the Killer question", former global troubleshooter for Lord Siralan and nemesis of Danger Mouse.

The guys don't seem to rate Jade's chances very highly. When Tom asks, Ricky gives her 2 out of 10 and Nick 3. While this may be slightly patronising, it has some truth in it as no-one seems much impressed with her business plan. Claude seems particularly scornful, calling it a "grubby little business." His principle concern seems to be that he doesn't want to be called at home of an evening. To be honest, this sounds like a good reason to cough up. If Jade does get the thing going, she probably won't use it to harass the people who paid for it. She has more problems though. Her business plan doesn't include any costs, because she reckons Lord Siralan's 250 grand will cover it. Nor does it help that one of the anonymous grey-suited men has bought one of the domain names she wanted to use for her website, essentially just to be spiteful.

Nick is doing somewhat better. No-one really understands the technology behind his proposal, but he has a working prototype and a good business plan. Matthew Reily, the "former young entrepreneur of the year", a title less a source of inspiration than a horrible warning about the effects of the ravages of time, is reduced to insisting that no-one would use it. Nick suggests that it would be useful for families planning out weekly meals, but Matthew apparently knows no-one who does this. Nick can't do much more than assure him that real people, who don't just swallow whole sandwiches or eat only at business meetings, do in fact exist while trying not to giggle. Nick's biggest problem is his somewhat hubristic insistence that this could be as big as Facebook or Twitter and a lack of focus, he already has three businesses on the go.

 Nick tries to keep a straight face

Tom has a similarly impressive business plan and clearly knows the industry. In fact, he is so solid that the best "Award Winning" Mike Suter can do is ask if his dad wrote his proposal for him. Why stop at his dad? Why not claim he copied it off the Internet or was given it by magic business fairies. Claude Litner does little better, choosing simply to quibble endlessly over his description of himself as "entirely well-rounded" because he's only 23. He then insists that the business won't work because he can't raise the money. Tom thinks he can, but Claude still says he can't, leading to a pointless back and forth that I expected to be interrupted at any moment by Lord Siralan jumping out in a pantomime Dame's costume to yell "he's behind you."

Ricky also has a good business plan and knows his industry, but the interviewers have found another line of attack in the form of his CV. It's not really fair to attack Ricky over a document he wrote to attract the attention of BBC recruiters months ago, but it's funny so I'll let them off here. Claude thinks it's one of the most crass and immature documents he's ever read and parts of it apparently made Matthew Reilly want to be sick. But its Margaret Mountford who teases out the best material. Ricky likens himself to the God Thor and sees Lord Siralan as Odin. Disturbingly, when trying to justify this Ricky seems to claim he actually is a son of God descended from the Heavens. I'm hoping that's just nervousness. Given that Ricky has previously claimed to be a shark, I'm not sure being a God with lightning based powers is necessarily an advantage.

Matthew Reilly tries not to be sick

Even more disturbing than this is the revelation that Ricky has not been saddled with an unfortunate name. He is, in fact, Richard Martin. He chose to use Ricky in order to attract attention. Ricky's belief is that its worth doing anything to get noticed and be memorable, a position I seriously hope he will reconsider after his experiences on this show.

 Ricky looks to his divine father for guidance

Back in the boardroom.. Lord Siralan dispenses with Jade first. He's hardly a popular man and if he went with Jade's proposal there's a dangerous chance he might be tarred and feathered. Nick is next to go, as much, it seems, because Lord Siralan doesn't fully understand his proposal. The glory days of Amstrad are clearly far behind him. This leaves Ricky and Tom, both of whom are essentially proposing versions of their existing business. Ricky's plan is dull but will probably make steady money, Tom's is risky but could make a fortune. Nick Hewer likens working with Tom as like a last throw of the dice. This seems a touch fatalistic given that Lord Siralan is going to be putting another twelve victims through this nonsense next year.

In the end he goes with Ricky. Apparently,given his position in society he can't be seen to be associated with failure. Hang on, wasn't he an advisor to Gordon Brown's government? (Thought I'd go with the Amstrad Emailer joke didn't you, I'm too unpredictable for you).

Anyway, congratulations Ricky. Now you can leave your job in recruitment to work as your own boss, except for the terrifying hedgehog man standing over your shoulder controlling the purse strings. And all it cost you was twelve weeks of ritual humiliation.

Episode 11 - May 30th 2012 - Luxury

With only five left in the house, Ricky was sure he would get to the phone first, but it was not to be and he is left bobbing up and down the stairs. The remaining Apprenti are dragged off to what is apparently the "original" shopping centre. With Ricky the last survive of the Stirling massacre of week 10, this task looks rather one-sided, but Lord Siralan moves Tom to Stirling which actually puts Phoenix at a disadvantage as they have Adam. If his presence alone was not enough, Lord Siralan sees fit to put him in charge. Shall we skip to the end now? Their task, as if it mattered, is to develop a product through concept to marketing, with a brand name, packaging and even a mocked up shop front before giving a presentation. No video this time, for which Ricky must be breathing a sigh of relief.

Ricky is keen to take charge of Stirling. Tom doesn't mind, probably recognising that with only two in the team losing would make him very vulnerable. The two of them quickly hit on the idea of a range of male grooming products. Can't for the life of me think where that came from.

At Phoenix, the team is struggling for ideas. One of Nick's businesses is coffee, and he hits on the idea of hot chocolate. Adam steers the idea towards chocolates, possibly not understanding the difference. He decides that he and Nick should handle branding and packaging as this is the most important part of the task and Jade should make chocolates because she's a girl.

Tom visits a barbers where he discovers that demoing the product is a good marketing tool. He also takes the opportunity to brush up on figures. Meanwhile, Nick and Adam are in a sweet shop where they learn that chocolates are nice and so are jellies. Karen Brady shakes her head in disapproval, something that will rapidly develop into a theme.

Adam is now desperately keen to include jellies in their line up of chocolates. Whilst you have to give him credit for enthusiastically throwing himself into new things, he is a bit like a small child distracted by the latest shiny thing. Nick emphasises that he thinks jellies are a bad idea and that the decision is entirely down to Adam. Apprentice speak for gathering information to be used in the event of defeat. Jade is also not keen, but finds a way to make the jellies work by adding alcohol, a strategy that works for the vast majority of products. Week 2's splash screen would have been a massive hit if it had a mini-bar built in.

Num, num, num.

The team still need a name for their range. Adam tries about fifty different variations on the word "choc", kind of misunderstanding the idea of a luxury product. Jade hits on Sweet Things, which sort of works, and decides that she is pretty much doing everything herself which, while largely true, might not be a positive if they lose.

At team Stirling, Ricky is in his white overalls again using his chemistry skills. Tom has come up with a packaging design that is essentially grey on grey and the name "Modern gentlemen" which sounds faintly like an escort service. Their shop front is similarly grey, but they have managed to get in a barbers chair for some live demos.

 Eye Catching

Phoenix have a powder blue shop front and, to her credit, Jade has provided a good looking collection of products. They have also added a cocktail bar, which is an obvious draw but is slightly removed from the core idea. Adam and Nick aren't sure of the price. Adam says £2.99, Nick says £4.99. Karen Brady asks straight out "is it £2.99 or £4.99?" and Nick says "Exactly." Karen practically spits on his shoes.

The invited audience are let loose on the shop fronts. Tom and Ricky are well rehearsed but lack personality. But Tom persuades one unlucky punter to try a wet shave. With Tom handling a cut throat razor I'm not sure who is braver. Probably the punter. Just be thankful it isn't Adam, or even worse Stephen, or this would have rapidly become the great Apprentice barbershop blood bath of 2012. Things seem to be going well for Phoenix, the chocolates are popular and the cocktails are proving a draw.

No its time for the presentations. Ricky and Tom are thoroughly prepared. Ricky is slick as always and Tom is, if not quite so polished, clearly on top of his material. Tricky questions are batted aside and even requests for figures barely raise and eyebrow. At Phoenix things go less well. Adam is not so much out of his element as entirely off the periodic table. Put way through he just tails off and starts listing special occasions: "Christmas, birthdays, Easter, Whitsun, Ascension Sunday." The slightly odd, "too cheap for a retail chain", "too expensive for a supermarket" is off putting as well.

Back in the boardroom Lord Siralan sums up. Stirling was dull and uninspiring, but Tom and Ricky gave a good presentation and researched their market thoroughly. Phoenix had an eye-catching product but didn't know what they were talking about. Lord Siralan goes with worthy and dull and Ricky and Tom are given the dubious treat of going back to the house without being fired. Looks like Phoenix blew all the treat money last week on tea.

Meanwhile, with Phoenix, Jade gives a good account of herself, having come up with the product and the name. Karen Brady is particularly keen to stick the boot into Nick and Adam, boldly stating that Jade's name ideas were all better than theirs and that they did no research in the sweet shop. Did Adam done something specific to offend her, or has she just snapped after eleven weeks of putting up with him? Adam also gets the blame for the dodgy price point, though Nick doesn't exactly cover himself in glory.

Adam is looking very vulnerable right now with Jade targeting him. But what's this, all of a sudden Nick turns on Jade. What is he thinking? Is he trying to eliminate a stronger competitor or assuming that Adam is gold-plated? Either way its a daft move. Having contributed little to the task himself, Nick resorts to attacking her past record. This is all a bit nuanced for the boardroom and it looks like Nick might have talked himself out of the door.

But no, even Lord Siralan can only put up with so much of Adam and he is dispatched to make a prat of himself on You're Fired. He doesn't seem too bothered, even he seems to think he lasted too long.

NEXT TIME The final interview in which we are made to sympathise with the survivors by having them savaged by three people even more obnoxious than they and also Margaret Mountford.

Episode 10 - May 23rd 2012 - Discounts

It's Ricky's turn to answer the phone this time and he does so in a tight black shorts and vest combo which makes it look as if he's just stepped out of the ring. Maybe this is why the other male Apprenti seems so out of it? Ricky beats the crap out of them before bed each night?

 Please Ricky, don't hit me again!

Lord Siralan has only given instructions to meet him "in the City". He may be hoping they just get lost, or perhaps this is this weeks task? First one to actually find Lord Siralan wins. Actually, it seems we have something slightly new. The teams will be working for a daily discount website and their job is to rustle up deals to put on the site. The site will host the best deals and the teams whose deals make the most money wins. Its essentially a variant of the scavenger hunt combined with selling to the trade in that it involves lots of running around and begging for discounts with very little leverage. On  the plus side, there's real money at stake as actual customers will be buying actual products.

First up the teams meet with the manager of the site, which I think he says is called Quinoa, though I can't find it online. Apparently this site specialises in Luxury goods, so no cheap tat. This claim is slightly undermined by the fact that they appear to be meeting him in a back alley somewhere. I am slightly concerned that if the teams do badly they may find themselves conducting a meeting with him, two of his "boys" and some baseball bats.

 The Boss

Next up is choosing project managers. After his rash promise last week, Stephen is in charge of Stirling. He starts off keen, but pretty quickly slumps into panic. His plan is to try and get multiple deals from each location they visit in order to boost their chance of success. He gets things moving pretty quickly, but there's more than a faint whiff of desperation about things. With only three people in the team, he decides to send Ricky off by himself and keep Gabrielle with him. He thinks that Gabrielle is creative but doesn't really understand business. This would be horrible condescending, but Gabrielle's attempts at handling the figures haven't exactly been impressive, see week two and the splash screen. That said, Stephen trying to give business advice to anyone is a bit like Lord Siralan getting work as therapist.

Over at Phoenix, Jade has been put in charge because she effectively does this stuff for her day job. True to form,  the team haven't gotten moving yet. But there may be some logic in this as Jade thinks quantity over quality is the key to the task. She only wants good quality deals that will be certain to get on the site. With that in mind, she and Nick head off to a luxury spa and Tom and Adam are dispatched to a hotel somewhere. Don't let them anywhere near the mini-bar or we'll never see them again.

Stephen and Gabrielle quickly manage to wrangle a deal for £100 off tooth whitening from a dentist. But Ricky isn't happy as Stephen has planned to pack him off to a Spa in Tring which is an hour each way. Stephen is confident that he will make enough from this one trip to justify it, but Ricky is clearly worried about Stephen and Gabrielle grabbing the bulk of the deals. But Stephen is insistent-ish. To be honest Stephen never sounds very certain about anything. Gabrielle tries to help with a few impromptu negotiating tips, but Ricky is clearly not in the mood and tells her not to tell him how to suck eggs. Has there ever been an egg sucking task? I'm sure Ricky would win hands down.

Before his excursion to Tring, Ricky arrives at a High End Restaurant. He is keen to get down to business, but the Manager won't let him get a word in edgeways. No business until he shows him the restaurant, and the view, and has him try some scallops, and looks at the table cloth, and is introduced to the Manager's elderly mother, and arm wrestles a bear and travels through time to the 1640s in order to prevent the assassination of Oliver Cromwell, and painted a fence. Some of those things may not have happened, but by the time it's all over Ricky probably thinks they have. Eventually the sit down to business, only for the Manager to state flat out that he won't give any discounts at all, ever. This raises the question of why he agreed to take the meeting and what on Earth he thought Ricky was there for. Maybe he just wanted to get on TV.

 "I will waste your time and give you nothing and give you a look of disdain as I do so."

Ricky tries to put a positive spin on this, which is hell of a feat. Apparently he has learned something from this. Presumably not to let Restaurant Managers even start talking. But he's even less keen to go to Tring. he phones Stephen who still thinks Tring is the way to go. But he changes his mind about five minutes later and relents. Ricky heads off in search of some less chatty Restaurant Managers.

Meanwhile, Jade and Nick have reached their spa. Everyone seems very friendly and welcoming until discounts are mentioned and it looks like everyone has just thrown up in their mouths. Jade is looking at a package that normally costs £200. They definitely don't want to give 50% off and Jade is just as determined that that is what they will give. Sheer persistence seems to win through and they eventually relent, possibly just wanting to get her out of the office. Jade seems enormously happy, the Spa management look a bit like people who have just fallen for a bad email scam.

Adam and Tom are having less success at their Hotel. They want to get 50% off dinner, but the management won't budge on 35%. Adam starts desperately trying to get them to throw in free tea and coffee. In fact he's so determined that I'm starting to wonder if he trying to make a deal or just desperate for a drink. In the end the management gives in. Free tea and coffee for everyone. Tom doesn't look very happy, but then he never does.

Stephen is now so stressed that he seems incapable of making decisions by himself. Gabrielle suggests a visit to a fish spa and Stephen goes along with it, taking advice from the woman who thought Union Jacks were very in. I'm starting to understand Gabrielle, her sense of the Zeitgheist is about two years behind everyone else. Stephen is given a sample spa treatment. I'm surprised the fish could be persuaded to go anywhere near his feet. They manage to get a couple of deals, but Karen Brady is clearly unimpressed. In fact, Karen's facial expressions have been drifting from dis-interest, through disapproval, to outright contempt. By the end of the show she makes it to out and out loathing.

Jade and Nick have a meeting with chef Marcus Wareing, a man who makes Lord Siralan look tolerant and accommodating. He seems receptive to their ideas, but is not impressed with their inability to give him any real figures. He has to give them five minutes to sort out their sums. I would expect this of Jade, but thought Nick was more competent. Ricky, meanwhile, is busy touring every restaurant in London, all of whom seemed determined to force feed him scallops. Has there been some kind of Biblical plague? Or is just that no-one order scallops and so whenever a visitor shows up they use him as a chance to offload them? But Ricky is having some success. In fact one restaurant is so keen they ask him how many deals they should offer. Poor Ricky doesn't have a clue and ends up pulling the number 100 pretty much out of his arse.

Adam and Tom seem to be a bit lost. Tom is clearly worried that he isn't contributing anything to the task and is so desperate he ends up calling Jade for help, not that it gets him very far. In fact, all the teams have now reached the part of the day where they are just running around frantically looking for last minute deals from anywhere. Gabrielle and Stephen are hanging out at some kind of indoor putting green. Karen Brady now looks like she will have be restrained by security from actually killing Stephen. Finally, after much frantic dashing about, Adam and Tom manage to secure a two for one deal on scented candles. Not much compared to spas and restaurants, but probably an improvement over fish nibbling your feet. The task over the teams drop off their deals with the website and await their fate.

Back in the boardroom the Apprenti are forced to justify themselves. Ricky scores immediate points for getting multiple deals from one restaurant. Stephen is practically crawling out of his chair and across the table to claim credit for this. Lord Siralan seems genuinely impressed by this. He is less impressed by team Phoenix, Jade gets credit for high quality deals, but Tom and Adam's candles don't impress, even with free tea and coffee. In the end, the website didn't go with any of Adam and Tom's deals, but Jade and Nick's restaurant deal netted £6000 and their spa deal £8000. On Stirling's side, Ricky also managed to net the lion's share with £6000 for his restaurant deals which totally sold out. Stephen and Gabrielle were less successful, their fish feet spa deal was dumped and their golf deal only attracted seven punters.

Phoenix are victorious. Tom doesn't look very happy though, he's realised that his contribution to the team's victory was effectively nothing. Adam either hasn't twigged or doesn't care. The team are packed off for afternoon tea. But not just any afternoon tea. As the menu reveals, this is the most expensive afternoon tea in the country. When you think about it, that's not a very impressive boast. Bridges cafe could claim that, all they have to do is raise the price of tea to £501 a pot.

In the boardroom, Ricky is blaming Stephen who he thinks panicked and lost the plot. Ricky is feeling fairly secure, after all, if it hadn't been for him, they wouldn't have made any money at all. But he still gets in trouble for only suggesting 100 offers to the restaurant and for taking too long at his first, entirely pointless, meeting. Ricky tries to counter by claiming he's learning, which is good for him, but not so great for Lord Siralan.

But it's Stephen and Gabrielle who are really in the firing line. Stephen thinks Gabrielle is out of her depth. She argues that she's a more rounded candidate than Stephen and has demonstrated skills, such as sales, that she didn't know she had. Stephen attempts his usual tactic of interrupting her every five second, but even Ricky has had enough of this by now and calls him out for being condescending.

But it isn't enough to save Gabrielle, possibly because her voice has now gotten so shrill that it's at a frequency Lord Siralan can't even hear. He has decided that Gabrielle is a nice girl but has gone as far as she can. He does give her a "with regret" but it only barely compensates for the level of condescension. But, Stephen's reprieve is short-lived. He promised to win and he didn't, so he's out as well. Lord Siralan tries to threaten Ricky with a  triple firing. Nice try Lord Siral, but we know you need five for next week's task and the special episode next week is called the final five, not the final four. Even Lord Siralan must bow to the rules of scheduling.

So we have our double firing, but it was pretty anticlimactic. To be honest, it would have been better to keep all six to keep the teams balanced for next week. Speaking of which...

NEXT TIME The teams try to take a product from concept through to production all in a day. Success at this task just means something that won't actually kill the user.

Episode 9 - May 16th 2012 - Booze

We begin the episode confronted with the slightly disturbing sight of Stephen in a dressing gown. Once again the Apprenti are being woken in the wee small hours and dragged out to a station, in this case King's Cross International. Though this time they're not expected to crawl around in the sewers like rats. In fact they are meeting at the "longest champagne bar in Europe." This makes me wonder if champagne bars are traditionally quite short. But at least the setting is half way appropriate, as the teams are being ordered to produce a marketing campaign to promote English Sparkling Wine - which has apparently won several awards.

After, Laura's ejection last wee, the teams are slightly unbalanced and so Phoenix are given a free pick from Stirling. This has Adam almost ludicrously excited because he gets to pick Nick. In fact, the entire team are practically falling over themselves at the prospect of getting Nick on the team. I know he's more human than most of the other candidates, but this is a bit much.

Yay Nick!

Phoenix are pretty quick to choose Tom as their project manager, which is brave given that he lost last week, but then he is actually a wine merchant so should know something about the subject. Over at Stirling, all four team members have put themselves forward for the job. They hold a vote and everyone votes for themselves. So they have to go to second preference votes, and then have to explain to Stephen that he can't vote for himself twice. It was electoral systems like this that got Hitler elected. Finally, they manage to decide on Ricky as PM.

Following a brief discussion in which both teams essentially agree that emphasising quality is the way to go, the teams are divided. Two team member will get to work on the campaign website, while the other two will head out to the country to sample lots of wine. Somehow this doesn't feel like a fair division of labour. Still, Ricky, who has nominated himself to go on the research trip, doesn't actually like wine, so no-one can say he's enjoying himself.

The same cannot be said for Tom and Adam who are having a grand old time. Say what you like about Adam, he certainly throws himself into every task, albeit with undue confidence. With Tom deploying wine-speak left and right, Adam decides to join in. He's getting hints of Granny Smith. I sincerely hope he means the apple. Personally, I'm getting a strong scent of blagging with just a hint of desperation..

Back with Stirling, Gabrielle and Stephen have been set to work on marketing material. Stephen thinks they need a word to sum up their campaign and suggests Grandeur. This carries all the right connotations, except for being French. Next up, Stephen re-brands Champagne as Fizzy Plonk. The team next stop off at Tesco's to look at branding. Unfortunately, this particular branch doesn't stock any English Sparkling Wine. Gabrielle decides to make the best of it by looking at the design of champagne bottles. Stephen, however, will not be deterred and goes on a desperate hunt for the in-store Sommelier, a quest that he abandons after about an hour and a half of wandering up and down the bread aisle. Stephen decides to pin the blame for his dismal failure on Gabrielle, suggesting she's happy not to have seen a bottle of English Sparkling wine. Not really a question of being happy Stephen, more a case of recognising that you can't get what you want simply by looking really earnest about it.

 Stephen on an epic quest for a Sommelier

Nick and Jade, meanwhile, are hard at work on their campaign website. It lookas professional, which it should given Nick's background in technology, and seems to convey the right atmosphere. They also have an ESW logo ready to go. But the team are feeling pressured and could do with some help. They get Project Manager Tom on the phone, but he seems to be very busy running a wine tasting for a group of ladies. Be fair guys, you can't expect him to do everything. Karen Brady questions whether the team leader should be having this much fun. Maybe you should go over and kick him in the shins Karen? Actually, this would probably do him some good. Having availed themselves of all the free samples on offer, Tom is now convinced that they are marketing "English Wine Sparkling" while Adam is just giggling to himself in a corner.

The next day dawns along with, presumably, a few hangovers. Adam still seems fine, possibly because the alcohol couldn't actually find his brain. Tom looks pretty subdued, but what else is new? The second big task for the teams is to produce a video advert to show on their website. This leads to a new division of labour, with half the team filming and the other half finishing the website and working on a presentation. Ricky puts Jenna and Stephen in charge of filming emphasising that the finished product must be classy and of high quality. You would have thought Ricky would have learned a lesson about putting other people in charge of videos by now.

Meanwhile, for Phoenix, Jade and Adam are working together. Jade is directing and Adam has, once again, declared himself choreographer. As far as Jade is concerned, this is like giving a small child on a plane a hat that says Assistant Captain. Unfortunately, Adam is labouring under the delusion that he has something useful to contribute and starts interfering in everything from object placement to telling actors how to hold their glasses. Everyone else just rolls the eyes and waits for the sweet embrace of death.

 Not a good idea to put Adam next to so many guns

Still, it's better than the situation for Stirling. Jenna seems to have interpreted Ricky's instructions to keep it classy as "get a massive throne out." The setting is a country-house wedding and the idea is a vignette in which a bride refuses the offered champagne in favour of English sparkling wine. It could work, I suppose, except that Jenna practically has the bride spitting the stuff across the room before starting a fight, which isn't quite conveying the intended atmosphere. At one point Ricky gets on the phone to see how things are going and checking that high quality is still the by-word. Jenna reassures him that it definitely is, suggesting that she has a different understanding of words than most people.

With the video work done, the teams sit down to watch the finished product. Jade and Adam's video shows a group of people sitting around drinking in a gastro-pub with a voice-over. Tom and Nick think it looks a little bit dull. For Ricky, dull is the least of his problems as he suffers the horrible realisation that he will once again be shafted by a video he delegated to someone else. But it's too late to do anything about it now, it's offer to the pitches to a bunch of wine-worthies.

 It's happened again!

Say what you like about Ricky, he gives a good speech. He introduces the website, emphasises the choice of colours designed to suggest luxury and quality and Gabrielle's nicely designed rose-wine glass logo. Then he has to introduce the video, which has the effective of pouring a mass of raw sewage, vomit, bile and filth into his wine-glass and asking that the audience drink it. They are so shocked that the best they can come up with by way of criticism is to ask if any champagne producer would represent themselves in this way. Someone else asks about Stephen's tag line "less fizz more sparkle," which, frankly, the least of their problems. Stephen waffles on a bit without saying anything, but the audience seem satisfied, suggesting they haven't sat through enough business presentations.

With Stirling out of the way it's Tom's turn. He's not as confident as Ricky and his video and website are a bit dull by comparison. But, dull is probably preferable to borderline criminal. The audience think he missed the target market, with a campaign focused on existing drinkers. Plus, they're concerned that the website may prove difficult to update. Tip, if you don't think you can update a website you may not be ready for Internet marketing.

After getting some feedback off the sparkling wine people, Lord Siralan drags the teams back to the boardroom to pick who wins based on whatever he feels like. Neither team seems to be in his good books. Phoenix are in trouble for missing the target market and producing a boring video, but even Lord Siralan would be hard pushed to justify Stirling winning the task after their video. Phoenix win and are sent off to a jacuzzi on a roof, which is less a treat and more a form of torture.

 Oh God my eyes!

Ricky reckons he was the underdog from the start and decides to blame the whole thing on the video, which to be fair is largely true. Jenna claims she took a risk, not quite understanding how risk works. The idea of a risk is that you do something that might go very well or very badly, not just do something incredibly stupid. But she says she "doesn't shy away." Oh God not again. Not being afraid to do something really stupid isn't actually a virtue.

Stephen decides to try his usual plan and blames the the awful video on Gabrielle, who wasn't actually involved in making it. He reckons she didn't do enough. Gabrielle points out that Stephen was more of a hindrance than a help. But Stephen has a defence in place, he keeps interrupting telling her to be "specific." So she describes the incidence in Tesco in detail. Stephen is still saying "be specific, Gabrielle." If Gabrielle described what happened at the sub-atomic level he would still be complaining that the Heisenburg uncertainty principle wasn't specific enough. In spite of his vigorous defence, Ricky still decides to bring him and Jenna back into the boardroom. Stephen pulls his "well it isn't what I would have done face." He is rapidly going from endearingly hapless, to actively obnoxious.

Stephen promises Lord Siralan that if he makes him the next Project Manager he will definitely win the task, and he would put money on it if he had any. Ricky gets in trouble for not going on  the video shoot himself. But of course, if he had, he would be in trouble for not overseeing the website. In any case, I think Ricky has learned not to trust anyone to make a video ever again. But in the end it's Jenna who gets the boot, if the video didn't seal it then her annoying voice would. Jenna sounds quite upset to be leaving, but not as much as Gabrielle, who has lost her best friend. Still, things are looking good for her and Jade, with only two women left it's going to be difficult to loose any more before the final. Oh, and Stephen will be PM next week, which should be good for a laugh.

NEXT TIME: The teams try to negotiate for discounts and end up essentially begging for scraps from unmoving sadists.

Episode 8 - May 9th 2012 - Street Art

Last time I suggested that the Apprenti would be getting a briefing in a post-acolyptic wasteland. It turns out this wasn't true, but only just. In fact they are packed off to Waterloo station where the disembodied head of Lord Siralan informs them he was too busy to turn up in person. Washing his hair no doubt. The Apprenti may be wondering why they have been called there, he says. I assumed he was going to blow up the exits and leave them sealed in to fight mutants with sticks for a bite of the last rat. Sadly, this turns out not to be the case. The true answer is on the walls around them. No, they won't be flogging reclaimed bricks, but "street art."

 Remain indoors

It's the art task! Each team has to choose two artists to represent and will then sell their art at a one day gallery opening in Brick Lane. This is the second time Brick Lane has featured in this series, does Lord Siralan have a bunch of properties there or something? Just to add to the fun, the artists are split bewteen Bristol and London and so the teams will be split up to go and meet them.

Stephen puts himself forward as head of team Stirling, which should be good for a laugh if (definitely) nothing else. But he faces a challenge from Gabrielle, deciding to be in the program this week, who has experience working with artists, representing artists, organising galleries, selling art, etc, etc. This makes Stephen look, somehow, even more ineffectual than usual and even he ends up voting for her. Still, it's better than last week when Nick was voted team leader ahead of Ricky simply because he's closer to being a human being.

Over on team Phoenix, Tom has stuck his head over the parapet. Apparently, he is something of a street art collector and waxes on at length about his knowledge. Tom has been one of the more competent candidates, quietly totting up figures in the background and, usually, spotting when one of the other candidates is making a stupid decision. I quite like him because of his inability to hide his disgust at the idiocy of the people around him. But, let's just say he isn't blessed with the ability to communicate enthusiasm. Or, alternatively, he sounds a bit like a artificial voice synthesiser that has been slowed down and broadcast through someones nose as they quietly drift off to sleep. He can also be, just a bit, arrogant and patronising. especially when he feels the need to explain to the others that no-one knows the real identity of Banksy.

That said, it's hard to go wrong by overestimating Adam's level of ignorance. Not only did he not know this about Banksy, but he struggles to get his head around the concept until he realises that it's essentially the same as the Stigg. Actually, Adam is in one of least annoying modes today. Having previously known nothing about street art, instead of treating it with casual disdain, he jumps in with boyish enthusiasm, deciding to voice his interpretation of everything he sees. He lets out a stream of absolute toss when visiting Bristol-based artist SPQR. SPQR, who is somewhat anti-establishment, looks at Adam and Jane like they're the first people he wants to put up against a wall when the revolution comes.

In addition to the hordes of anonymous Brick Lane trendies, the teams will also be pitching to specially selected corporate clients, looking for a bit of art for their walls. With that in mind, Tom is meeting with Renault to sort out their requirements. They want something modern, trendy and with lots of style. Tom also notes their budget and the amount of space they have to work with. Meanwhile, Gabrielle is meeting with her corporate client, a Gin distiller, who want something best of British. Gabrielle is highly enthusiastic, you can tell because she has started to shriek, but doesn't bother to get details of their budget or wall space.

In fact, Gabrielle's whole approach seems to consist of fawning all over the artists like an MP at a News International Party. Flattery seems to get you everywhere in the art world, as the artists are clearly warming to her. Faced with former builder Nathan Bowen and his intriguing scribble people she goes nuts, probably because he used Union Jacks (someone had to think they were fashionable). Meanwhile, in Bristol, Ricky and Nick are looking at the work of the exact same artist and deciding they hate it.

 I knew they were in

Actually, Ricky and Nick are proving to be quite an entertaining double act. They manage to have an earnest debate of whether they should take off their ties or not, and then a further debate over whether they should consult with Gabrielle on this issue. Word of advice guys, you are no way going to look like part of the art world regardless of what you do with your ties.

 Steady on there Tom! Don't get too excited!

In London, Tom thinks he has hit on the mother lode, an artist called Pure Evil who specialises in bold, Lichtenstein-esque images of crying women. The artist actually looks quite dull for the embodiment of all that is vile and base. Perhaps he's making a statement about the banality of evil? Either that or the look he's going for is of a faintly dodgy PE teacher who wonders into the boys changing rooms when they're showering one too many times for it to be purely accidental. Tom decides to impress him with his knowledge of the street art scene, waxing lyrical about the artists he likes. I think he's trying to convey an air of expertise and competence, but the effect is to make him look like a know-all. Vague Evil is not impressed, not that Tom has picked up on this. He's so excited his voice almost, slightly changes tone. Then Gabrielle wonders in like an overexcited Three year old on speed flavour ice-cream and starts banging on about how much she loves the art, as well as puppies, kittens and rainbows. Pure Cotton is clearly smitten.

 The Face of Evil

Tom has gone on to meet James Jessop, an artist who seems to be on the same wavelength as him. Which is to say both of them sound like they couldn't give two shits about the other. Jessop specialises in huge, B-Movie style posters pieces that fill a wall and sell for £10,000 a time. Tom doesn't much like his work and thinks he wouldn't be able to sell it in any case. He settles on Pure Evil and Copyright, a Bristol based artist in front of whom Adam inhas been embarrassing himself.

Grrr!

But, disaster strikes for Tom. Gabrielle has also chosen Pure Evil, as well as Nathan Bowen and Mr Evil has chosen Gabrielle. Sorry, but competence and knowledge doesn't cut it when compared to flattery and keen-ness. Still, if these artists knew about sales they wouldn't be getting other people to flog their work. Tom looks devastated, or as devastated as he is capable of looking. With no backup plan, and less than favourable reviews for SPQR, he decides to take a risk on James Jessop, reasoning that even one sale could win them the task. He also thinks that Pure Evil must be mad to go with the other team. Possibly true, but he is sounding a little bit like a stalker jealous of his target's new boyfriend.

With artists chosen, or reluctantly forced on them, the teams now have to set up their galleries for the big night. Adam and Jade are shocked to discover the size of James Jessop's work, while Ricky and Nick discover that Gabrielle actively went out and selected an artist they hated. As that artist is coming down to do some live drawing, they should probably keep that opinion to themselves. But Stephen has had a brilliant idea inspired by Banksy. Why not keep the artists out back where no-one can see him? Possibly because it looks like they haven't got the artist and just have someone scribbling randomly out back?

Once the night gets going, Tom is desperate to sell a Jessop (which sounds like a euphemism for something). He ends up asking someone "what would it take for you take this away?" About 10 grand of someone else's money seems the obvious answer. Laura, meanwhile, is struggling with sales. She 's trying for soft self, but seems to be just asking everyone if they're having a good time, like a host at a party, if you're generous, or someones Mum at a school disco, if you're not. Meanwhile, Adam is flogging art just like its a market stall. "Come and get you're art. Going cheap. Two for a fiver." It seems to be working, but possibly only because of sheer novelty value.

Tom takes some time out of his Jessop shifting (nudge, nudge) to schmooze his corporate clients. They seem reasonably taken with Copyright's work. Meanwhile, at Stirling, everyone is so busy get excited about the art that they've completely forgotten their corporate clients. They arrive and there's no-one to meet them and no drinks on the door. Finally Stephen blunders over. Frankly, they'd have been better off left alone. Stephen witters on for a while about art and doesn't introduce them to the team or the artist. He finally offers them a drink, but laughs in their face when they ask for a gin and tonic. The clients are left wandering off into the night. Not that Gabrielle has noticed, she's far too busy flogging art. Low cost art is shifting well and Banal Evil has proven popular. On the other, by the end of the evening it's not clear if Tom has shifted any of James Jessop's work at all.

 Satisfied Customers

In the boardroom Tom is, predictably, in trouble for losing Pure Tedium and for his failure to flog Jessop's billboard sized works. It turns out, in the end he didn't manage to shift any. But, his defence, that he took a gamble, always plays well with Lord Siralan.

Over on Stirling's side, Gabrielle and Stephen are in trouble for the poor treatment of the corporate client and failure to find out what their budget was. Gabrielle tries to claim she did this on purpose. Maybe she disapproves of alcohol and actively wanted to sabotage them? Frankly this is as plausible as the bollocks she comes out with. When it's revealed that they had a budget of £10,000 and Stephen was trying to flog them £500 prints, his response is to claim that the budget was "news to me." This is another trademark Stephen truth-lie. It is technically true, but creates the misleading impression that his lack of knowledge wasn't entirely his own fault.

Stirling sold nothing to the corporate client, while Tom flogged his clients £2000 of Copyright's work. But alas, thanks to the acquisition of cheaper art, Stirling edge ahead by £171. Tom looks broken, even Lord Siralan looks pissed. Don't worry your chance to eviscerate Stephen in the boardroom will come soon. Stirling are sent on a treat that involves covering them in paint and hurling them at a wall. Possibly an experiment in exactly what idiots will do if you tell them its supposed to be fun.

Tom looks half dead. Can't say I blame him, however you spin it the crucial mistakes were down to him. If he'd gotten Dilute Evil or had a better backup artist they could have won. As it is, he will have to trade on his past record and the fact that Lord Siralan likes a gambler. Tom is quickly castigated for taking the wrong tone with the artist and coming across as a know-it-all. Tom looks suitably shame-faced. Lord Siralan is, predictably, sympathetic to Tom's gambling ways and it's looking good so far. Tom's striking the right note of humility. But of course someone has to be fired and Tom is thrown a lifeline when it is revealed that Laura's sales were half that of Jade or Adam. Laura says she was out of her comfort zone. But Lord Siralan points out that Adam was even further out and rose to the occasion. Lets not go over board, Adam managed to go for one week without being totally unbearable. But Lord Siralan seems to have taken a liking to him for some unfathomable reason, which leads me to believe that Adam may in fact just be a figment of Lord Siralan's imagination given horrible form.

Tom has to make his final pick and goes with Jade and Laura. He can hardly pick Adam as he made the most sales and his decisiveness is quickly contrasted with Jade's dithering last week. With Adam gone, Laura is an obvious target but then Tom turns on Jade. Apparently she gave him bad advice about SPQR and now he thinks that he and Adam would have done just as well without her. Steady on Tom, this is starting to sound like bitterness from last week. I'm liking Tom a lot less at the moment. Still he is looking safe.

But then something goes wrong. Tom justifies himself by claiming he runs a million pound business having only been out of University for two years. Talking about your outside success rarely plays well, but Lord Siralan's reaction here is, frankly, bizarre. Apparently Tom's external success means he isn't serious about the process. If he's turning over a million pound plus he clearly can't want Lord Siralan's poxy 250 grand. He's just here to point and laugh or something. Tom looks a mixture of flabbergasted and horrified. For a multi-millionaire Lord Siralan is remarkably insecure. Is Tom set to go, if so it would be a remarkable upset. But no, at the last minute Laura gets the boot. The only thing that saved Tom was his gambling ways, apparently, which suggests that the best way to win Lord Siralan's favour is to blow all your budget on lottery tickets.

NEXT TIME: The teams re-brand British sparkling wine. Britane? Alcoholic Grape-ade? The candidates all seem to have taken advantage of too many freebies and Tom forgets what he's saying in the middle of a sentence.

Episode 7 - May 2nd 2012 - Smell what Sells

The apprenti have been left alone all day without a task and, with their purpose in life slowly draining away appear to be drifting into hibernation. But, what's this? Suddenly a call from Lord Siralan saves the day; they have to meet him outside a warehouse in Essex. When they reach the warehouse, in the dark, with Nick Hewer and Karen Brady standing outside like a pair of gangland enforcers it looks rather like they've been summoned for a high end drug deal. This impression is reinforced by the arrival of the world's angriest hedgehog in a limo. Maybe the BBC should consider a drug task? The margins are excellent and the product is always in demand. I can imagine Stephen roaming the streets of London lat eat night yelling "does anyone want to buy any smack?"

But alas no, this is the reinvestment or "smell what sells" task. The teams are given two pitches and a bundle of cash to buy stock from a wholesalers. Then they take their stock to the pitches, sell what they can and use the profits to invest in more stock. Just like a real business, if the pitches were paid for by the BBC and the salespeople went everywhere by Limo. The key to this task is to "smell what sells" and spend your profit appropriately on more of the same high selling items. Apparently it's quicker to smell sales, rather than to keep a careful account of which items have sold, which have made the most profit and use this to make a calculation as to which items you should buy. Fun fact: sales smell faintly of peppermint.

The teams are slightly shuffled, with Stephen moved to Phoenix and Laura to Stirling. Jade is the only remaining apprenti who hasn't been PM, so she's pretty much stuck with it. Over at Stirling, Ricky volunteers, but so does Nick and the team decides they should probably just go with Nick because he's half way bearable. Ricky looks displeased. In spite of this initial friction, team Phoenix quickly decide to take pitches in Romford Market and Romford Shopping centre, because they're close to both each other and to the warehouse. They then quickly turn their attention to stock, acquiring a bundle of beauty products, including spray tan and press on nails, and some cleaning equipment. Job done.

Back with Stirling and Jade thinks her great strength as PM is she can make quick decisions. In what must be the fastest self-contradiction in Apprentice history, she has now gotten bogged down in an argument about the best pitch. Azhar thinks they should consider whether they should chose a location where they will sell more at lower prices or less at higher prices. This would be a good point to consider if it were possible to determine this by staring at a dot on a map. After about two hours babbling on, Jade decides that all the pitches are much of a muchness anyway and picks Pitsea market and Ilford shopping centre, because she likes the names or something.

Team Stirling seem somewhat less focused than Phoenix, chucking a random collection of any old thing into a trolley. Jade just about avoids vibrating toys, of which the less said the better, but she still ends up with MP3 docking stations, self-propelled toy insects, press on eye lashes and more spray tan. Fortunately, Tom is tracking the costs, so at least they have a chance of making some money. But now an argument has broken out over how to divide the stock. Azhar thinks they should take more stock to the more distant location. He also uses the words strategy and strategic a lot in the, mistaken, belief that it makes him sound like he knows what he's talking about. This is all too confusing for Jade who just tells him to forget it and divides everything straight down the middle. Probably not by cutting individual items in half, but I wouldn't put that past her.

The task proper doesn't start until the next morning, so the Apprenti are up bright and early. Stephen and Ricky strut into the market in jackets and suits like a pair of gangsters who have come for their protection money. Maybe that would be a better plan than trying sales. Stephen thinks they need a hook to sell their collection of mops. Cue an embarrassing music hall scene in which Stephen complains about his back and Ricky suggests that the mob will in someway help it.

At the shopping centres both teams are setting up on what look like painting and decorating tables. No expense spared for Lord Siralan's apprenti. Poor Nick is looking a little bit lost and confused, but Jenna and Gabrielle are in their element spouting beauty-based sales bollocks. This cheap as heck tan is apparently new, natural,goes on easy and even good for sensitive skin. Good in that it turns it orange presumably. Still the public are lapping it up.

Team Stirling are having a harder time. Their eclectic mix makes their stand look like a jumble sale and it makes it hard to make a concerted pitch. We've got a great range of products, come look at our products. Do you want a hot water bottle? No. How about an MP3 player? Alright, how about a toy insect and a bottle of spray tan? No? I honestly can't think of anything else in the world that anyone would possibly need.

Over at Pitsea Market things are going better. Adam is in his element, his element being working at a market, and products are shifting. Unfortunately, they are shifting at rock-bottom prices. Adam is still in a buoyant mood. He reckons he has now proved he can sell anywhere. Anywhere apparently consisting of a couple of shopping centres and a market.

At Romford market, God himself is so embarrassed by Stephen's and Ricky's performance that he's called down a flood. With the rain coming down the shoppers have bolted, leaving Ricky and Stephen with no-one to irritate. So they get on the phone to Nick who tells them to go buy more spray tan. Should they drop off their left over cleaning products first? No, it's straight on to the warehouse. This is a decision that may cost them.

Back at team Stirling and it's also time for a re-stock. Jade and Adam have cleared everything out of the market so they're on their way back to the warehouse. But Azhar is on the phone and he wants to clarify the strategy. To be honest, at this point there isn't much of a strategy beyond sell as much as you can and buy more. Though Adam manages to simplify even this down into "concentrate on winning." Nevertheless, without a strategy Azhar thinks they are "running blind into the dark." Actually, if you can't see, running into the dark may not be a bad idea because at least everyone else will be in the same position.

Jade and Adam make it to the warehouse, but Jade's nose doesn't seem to be working properly. The rest of the team want her to buy more of their best selling product, the toy bug, but Jade is determined to get something of everything. That way if someone doesn't want a bug, they can buy a hot water bottle. Essentially, if they manage to hold the entirety of the universe on their stall, then you can be sure of having something for everyone. Re-stocking done and Azhar wants to talk strategy again. His point is that they should sell what they can in two hours and then re-stock again based on what they have left. Unfortunately, he peppers his sentences with so many "basicallys", "obviouslys" and "strategies" that everyone's brain completely shuts down.

 Jade attempts to smell what sells

Still, this is better than Ricky and Stephen who are shut down in traffic. Nick, Jenna and Gabrielle having cleared out of spray tan and false nails, and having convinced the people of Romford to take beard trimmers off them by claiming their bikini line trimmers, now have nothing left to sell. Worse is to come, when they get to the Warehouse, there's only eighty-four bottles of tan. After a massive considered pause, Nick tells them to get more hot water bottles. Never before has the word "hot water bottle" been imbued with such gravitas.

After another round of sales there is just time for one more restock, before the team's shift location to the Lakeside shopping centre for some evening shopping. Despite protestations from the rest of the team, Jade is still determined to buy a bit of everything. Tom, in particular, looks drained by the level of idiocy on display, while Azhar just says "strategy"  in a cross voice. I am starting to think that Azhar maybe some kind of strategy smurf, and strategy is the only noun he can use. Ricky and Stephen are also annoyed as Nick has sent them restocking. Ricky thinks this is foolish as they are clearly the best salespeople. This is certainly true, in the magical kingdom or Ricky's arse. Nevertheless, he asserts himself by bitching to the camera crew behind Nick's back.

At the Lakeside, Stephen demonstrates his superior sales skills by bellowing about decisions into a megaphone, before offering a "men's high quality trimmer." Presumably this is for trimming some of that excess quality men often have sprouting out of their face. But Jenna and Gabrielle are still selling well. On the other side of the shopping centre, Stirling are also selling well, but only by deep discounting their prices.

With selling over it's back to the boardroom. Team Stirling are quite positive about Nick's performance. But Lord Siralan is not happy to discover that they were without stock for part of the day. He pronounces it "shameful," which seems a bit excessive when you consider that this is the man responsible for the Amstrad Emailer. Nick is starting to look worried. But, over at team Phoenix, there seems to have been no organisation at all. But Stirling win the task by £117 and win the prize of drinking dubious looking cocktails in what looks like a dungeon.

Lord Siralan actually concedes that Phoenix didn't do a bad job, leaving them with little to talk about at Bridges cafe. Adam thinks he was better than everyone else put together, which is nothing new. Azhar, in a surprising move, thinks that it might have had something to do with strategy. Jade pretty much concedes that, as the project manager, it was all down to her. Probably best not to say that in the boardroom.

In fact, Lord Siralan thinks he's hit on the explanation for the team's loss already. While Nick and co were selling spray tan at £10 a bottle, they were selling for closing to £5. This puts Tom in the firing line, as he worked out prices, but he manages a quick re-direct. Knowing nothing about tan, fake eye-lashes or press on nails, he delegated all of that to Laura and Jade. Jade also gets the blame for failing to smell what sells. Or, in human language, for always buying the same seven items regardless of how well anything sold or how much they had in stock. Things are looking bleak for Jade, but she has a scapegoat ready in the form of Azhar. Apparently he "caused trouble." This is Apprentice Project Manager speak for "disagreed with me and was right." Jades complaint appears  to be that Azhar spent so long banging on about strategy that they didn't have any time to sell anything, or something.

Jade is called on to bring back two people to the boardroom. Azhar is an obvious target, but she struggles on the second. This in spite of Lord Siralan handing her an obvious target in Laura, by asking her what she contributed and being unimpressed by the response. Jade picks on Tom, who deadpans that he made all the right decisions. It's reached a point where no level of idiocy would surprise Tom. Jade starts moaning that she wasn't prepared for this, which suggests she hasn't been paing much attention to the format of the show Tom, who has now given up the will to live, says he doesn't mind and Jade should pick who she likes, so back he comes.

 Tom is past caring

Jade doesn't have much of a defence in the boardroom. She falls back on wild exaggerations about the brilliance of her business plan, which isn't on the table. Azhar gets flack for being a whinge bag that no-one listens to. It's clear that Tom, who managed the margins well, shouldn't be here. When Lord Siralan asks who should be fired, he's asking for his considered opinion rather than a defence. Both Azhar and Tom think Jade should go. It's looking bleak. But, all of a sudden, the fickle finger of Lord Siralan swings Azhar's way and he gets fired. Presumably for having used up the entire series supply of the word strategy in one episode. Apparently Lord Siralan "admires Jades enthusiasm". Does Azhar lack enthusiasm? Did you not see those shorts? Maybe he did and that's the problem.

In the taxi Azhar thinks he has been robbed. Others in the process are playing a strategic game. Actually, I think they're just playing X-Box kinnect. But this last use of the word strategy has broken the World record, so Azhar will make it into the history books for that at least.

NEXT TIME: the digitised disembodied head of Lord Siralan speaks to the Apprenti from a post apocalyptic wasteland and commands them to sell street art. Look forward to sales bollocks even less convincing than the all natural spray tan.

Episode 6 - April 25th 2012 - Street Food

Day off at the house and the Apprenti are busy with X-Box Kinnect (other games systems are available, I know I own two), only to be suddenly interrupted by the plaintive knocking and scratching off their pet hedgehog man. Oh wait, it's just Lord Siralan spoiling the fun. He always turns up at the house at least once a series, and, shorn of his boardroom, always looks a bit like the the nerdy guy at parties who doesn't want to be there and nobody talks to.

The candidates quickly gathered in the kitchen, Lord Siralan is sending them to "the culinary capital of Scotland" Edinburgh. Which is a bit like calling London "the culinary capital of England", probably true but not very informative. They are going to be jumping on the latest bandwagon, gourmet street food. No team re-shuffling, but Lord Siralan exercises his right to choose the team leaders. Jenna is put in charge of Stirling and Adam in charge of Phoenix. This is rather like giving a go to the kids who no-one picks for their team.

First job, given the team leader picking has been delegated, is to decide on the type of food to make. Adam reckons everything in Scotland is deep fried. Batter doesn't exactly yell out Gourmet. But Adam is more concerned that they avoid Japanese food; it's all raw fish isn't it? Tom thinks that Ramen might be a good way to go, but Adam can't get past raw fish. I mean who eats sushi? Apparently everyone in team Phoenix. Adam is drifting dangerously close to an offensive stereotype of a northerner. Katie suggests Pasta, which Adam goes for because you can just slop stuff on stuff, and the rest of the team breathes a sigh of relief.

"Who eats sushi?"

Tom apparently

Over at Stirling, Jenna is suggesting pies. As someone who has done a bit of baking in my time, I can say that pastry is not easy to work with. Tough to make, tough to bake properly, and you have to shape it properly to put the filling in. This could be an absolutely hilarious idea. Unfortunately, Laura suggests stew, which is like pie without the hilarious bit, spoil sport. Jenna is planning to go all Scottish and grab the tourist market.

The next step is research, so two sub-teams are sent off to a food market, while the rest are packed off on a train to Scotland. Adam puts Katie and Jade on this team because off their background in marketing and Stephen in charge of them because he has testicles, presumably. After much poking around and tasting, the conclusions are pretty clear, don't skimp on expensive ingredients. Quality all the way. The team call Adam who concludes from this that they should use the cheapest ingredients possible. In fact he says cheap so often he starts to sound like a baby bird (Ahahahahahahah! My sides!). Tom is rolling his eyes in desperation, though Adam doesn't notice. He just wonders where the "trolley dolly" is.

The "trolley dolly"! Okay, this is way too much. There is no way that Adam can possibly be a real person. The casual sexism, the disdain for anything vaguely new or foreign and now the archaic language. Adam is a badly written northerner from a 1970s sit-com, there is no other possible explanation.

Back with the sub-teams, they have gotten on later trains and are trying to chose a location to park their gourmet food vans. Nick phones around and picks Parliament square as it has a good tourist foot fall. Katie and, to a lesser extent, Jade want to gamble on a football match. Stephen is sceptical that kind of crowd will want gourmet food, but Katie thinks sheer numbers will guarantee sales. She also says she's happy to take the blame if it goes wrong. This is not so much putting her head in the lions's mouth as covering yourself in gravy, repeatedly kicking the lion in the balls yelling "eat me you lazy yellow f**ker."

Having arrived in Edinburgh the project manager's teams are sent to meet some chefs. But Jenna is worried that people might speak "Scottish language" to them. Can Laura translate? She is from Edinburgh. "Scottish language" seriously?

Adam and team meet with Italian chef Mateo. He gets on board with Adam's meatball suggestion as it feels very Italian and can be made to taste good simply. This is still not enough for Adam who starts asking if they can substitute fresh rosemary for dried. He could also save money on meet by hunting squirrels. Jenna's team seem to be having the opposite problem. There Scottish stew is going to cost £2.50 a portion.

Meanwhile, the marketing teams are trying to come up with a good name. Stephen, Jade and Katie settle on "utterly delicious" because its "simple" the Holy Grail or Apprentice ideas. It's also mundane, completely uninformative and, at the rate Adam's going, potentially in breech of the trades descriptions act. They get him on the phone. But Adam has gotten the chef to let them use his name, so he wants to call it "Mateo's Meatballs." The marketing team compromise on "Utterly Delicious Meatballs," which suggests they may be missing the point somewhat.

  Gourmet Quality

With the teams reassembled, they get to work on manufacturing. Stirling seem to be doing a reasonable job, though there is an awful lot of meat. I am slightly concerned the one of the team may have fallen in to the stew, is there time for a head count? I haven't seen much of Gabrielle this week. Back at Phoenix, Adam's balls are getting smaller and smaller. There really is no way to follow that sentence.

Next day dawns and the teams are up early their vans dragged to their starting pitches. Stirling are struggling. Probably because it's first thing in the morning and people have only just had breakfast. This is not necessarily a sign of a failing strategy, though Karen Brady still manages to tut with disdain and Jenna starts panicking early. The team manages to bribe a bagpiper to set up next to the van with the offer of a free lunch. This prompts a highlang fling from Ricky and Laura. They're attracting tourists, but not making many sales.

Phoenix are having more trouble at the football. Adam has marked up his meatballs to £5.99, even though they only cost 47p a portion to make. In spite of this, Katie still doesn't think the customers are being gouged enough and suggests bumping the price up to £7.99. Even Adam thinks this might be pushing it. But it's unlikely to make much difference as the football crowd are loaded up on pies and burgers. Katie, Stephen and Azhar have moved on to their next big plan, convincing a tour bus to let them flog their wares on the top deck. The problem is that they'll have to move the van right across the middle of lunch time. It doesn't matter very much, Adam has managed to shift a few more portions by dropping the price, but kick-off is 12.30, so the massive foot fall has cleared off.

An elite sales force in action

 
Stirling are having an easier time now there's been a lunch rush. But Jenna is still panicking, they have to flog a lot of portions to cover the cost of ingredients. She takes the chance to berate the sales team of Laura and Ricky for failing to be aggressive enough. Laura thinks she's getting her excuses in early.

Phoenix have moved their van and now their sales team are trying their bus pitch, in costume. Katie is dressed as a pizza which is vaguely related to what they're doing. Unfortunately, with no way to reinforce the costume it looks a bit like a very badly made dress that she's been sick down. Still, it's slightly better than Stephen draped in the Italian flag like he's just won a major sporting event and Azhar in what may be the world's lowest budget superhero costume. The team try their pitch only to horribly embarrass the entire bus. They get off quick and head for the next one, but after climbing a lot of hills get there too late and miss it.  With no sales and a fifteen minute wait for the next bus, Adam decides that the tour bus may not be the task winning strategy the team thought.

Parliament square is thinning out and so Stirling also decides to move their van, stopping outside the National gallery. Ricky is roaming around in a kilt, but even this isn't enough to attract customers in the middle of the afternoon. Nick suggests dropping their prices, but Jenna is worried about costs. Karen Brady is sniping from the sidelines about how they have to keep their prices up to cover their costs. She seems to be missing the point that they've already paid for the meat, it's a sunk cost. If they start selling portions for £2 they only lose 50p a portion, instead of £2.50 if they don't sell it at all.

After a last desperate sales surge the teams are back to the boardroom and Lord Siralan has questions. Adam says he chose pork meat balls because it's a cheap meat. "Cheap?!" Lord Siralan snarks. Adam suddenly realises he may have missed the point somewhat and back peddles so quickly he's in danger of tipping over backwards on his bicycle. Suddenly he can't stop banging on about the quality of his meatballs, stopping short of calling them "bootiful" only at the threat of copyright infringement. That said, his profit margin is so massive due to his low costs that there is a serious danger he might win.

But no, Jenna scrapes a win by just £21 and team Stirling are sent off for a Segue race. Not sure if this strictly a prize given that Nick comes off his and almost kills half the team.

At Bridges cafe Adam's loss hasn't dented his arrogance. Everything is everyone else's fault, mostly the marketing team. But dragged back to the boardroom Lord Siralan is keen to talk about Adam's cost cutting. He isn't impressed by the quality of the product, apparently he's seen the same sort of thing on the floor of the elephant enclosure at the Zoo. If that's true either the Elephants are being badly underfed or he's been watching from a very long way away. Adam is keen to distract Lord Siralan by blaming the marketing team for the crappy name. Alas this doesn't reflect well on him either, he should have overruled them. Adam then tries to pin the blame for the Football match and the high prices on them.

Suddenly, Stephen springs into life. Given that he has barely been able to get out a coherent sentence before now this is an impressive performance. Adam should have been able to twig that £5.99 was too much for pasta at a football match, that the name wasn't any good, that the food was too cheap etc etc. All of this is true, but neglects to mention that Stephen endorsed all of this. He even manages to claim that both selling on the tour bus and giving up on the idea were both examples of his business genius. Oh and everything is Azhar's fault because he didn't do anything.

By the end of all this Adam is so worn out he brings Katie and Azhar back to the boardroom with him. Adam is still obnoxiously arrogant. Apparently he would be the perfect partner for Lord Siralan. He doesn't manage anything as outrageous as Baggs the Brand's 'Field of ponies' but that just suggests a lack of imagination. Surely Lord Siralan has to let him go? But no, Azhar puts in a half decent performance while Katie lets herself get tagged with the blame for the football match and the name. Plus this is her third time in the boardroom, so out she goes. Lord Siralan has only had to put up with Adam once, we've had six weeks now, give it time.

Back at the house Stephen is all smiles and claiming to be relieved Adam is back. Adam looks less than convinced as blood pours from the massive gaping wound in his back.

NEXT TIME. The teams are flogging cleaning equipment in the street. Cue Adam and Stephen waving mops in the street.

Episode 5 - April 18th 2012 - Fitness

The phone rings in the wee small hours and Gabrielle is quick to answer. She might not have made much of an impression so far, but she is an expert at answering the phone. Jenna follows behind, but gets to the phone too late so decides to stare rather creepily into Gabrielle's ear. Maybe she's trying to see daylight.

The Apprenti are dragged to York Hall, and end up meeting Lord Siralan in a boxing ring. Is it me or have the locations become a touch more down market this series? We started at the V&A museum, but since then we have met his Grace at the docks, a second hand shop and now a boxing ring. I'm half expecting the announcement "and in the losing team one of you will be seeing some of my boys in the back alley."

This weeks task is all about fitness, which is apparently worth a fortune. But as Lord Siralan puts it:

"What has become even more popular is the innovation of noo fitness trends."

Wait what? Was hat even a sentence? Seriously, if this is their role model it's no wonder none of the candidates can even communicate coherently. But this isn't the most ridiculous part. This week's task is to invent a completely  new workout programme, film a video demonstrating it and then flog it to gyms who will pay a licence fee. So eleven people who are not fitness experts have to invent, from scratch, a new fitness programme in half a day? Either these fitness programmes are a complete con, or this task is ludicrous. I could believe either. Seriously, what is to stop the apprenti inventing something actively dangerous? What if somebody copies one of the signature moves and shatters their spine. One silly remark by Frances Maude and people were incinerating themselves in their kitchens, I dread to think where this could lead.

No team shuffling this week, with the rate the female candidates are dropping the teams are as gender balanced as they can get. Phoenix are left having a conference in a gym sitting on silver exercise balls. Stephen, who actually works selling Gymn memberships and is clearly so at home that he's actually bouncing up and down, albeit gently on a silver ball. The team are happy to make him project manager, and I'm happy as I think he's one of the unsung heroes of this series. So far a week has not gone by when Stephen hasn't said or done something hilariously stupid. The man can't put a receipt in a bag without dropping it. I am actively gleeful at the prospect of him seeing the inside of the boardroom.

Meanwhile, at Stirling Ricky Martin manages to grab the leadership having experience as an amateur wrestler. Jenna also throws her hat in because of her horse riding experience, but is voted down, probably because listening to her awful droning voice for more than five seconds would drive everyone round the bend. Ricky, still found of rhyming couplets, promises that we will witness the fitness. Fitness here defined as an over boiled ham with embryonic Jedward hair stuffed into a tight suit.

 Ricky thinks the way to go is to follow prevailing trends. Apparently Union Jacks are very popular. But Ricky also thinks Martial arts is the way to go, probably just so he has an excuse to hit someone. Laura thinks street dance is very popular and Ricky decides to combine them. As an idea this is on a par with thinking that chips are popular and so is ice cream so what we need is chip flavoured ice cream.

Stephen, who actually has some experience in this area, reckons they need something completely unique to grab gyms attention. Adam quickly suggests skipping ropes and Katie suggests combining fitness with speed dating. Wait, back up! Seriously? I actually had some respect for Katie, largely because, during the condiment task, she seemed as baffled as I did by some of her fellow candidates daft behaviour. But Speed dating? How would this even work? How could these ideas possibly be combined? Would you switch classes every minute or something? Jade, with a weird expression that is, for once, appropriate, says she wouldn't want to meet someone while hot and sweaty, which I think is a generous comment to make given that I would have said:

"Are you insane? Have you truly abandoned all the laws of God, nature and logic? Is this idea possibly so ridiculous it could break the television, the Apprentice and possibly the universe itself."

Katie's second idea is a retro theme, using equipment from child hood, such as hula hoops and skipping ropes. The rest of the team quickly agree, which suggests her first idea may have been introduced solely to make her second look good, or at least borderline sane, by comparison.

With themes decided, the two teams are sent off to do research. Half of Phoenix end up chatting to dancers about retro, which leads to the disturbing site of Adam doing Thriller moves in overly tight shiny trousers. But they have hit on a new idea. Using space hoppers in place of exercise balls. Stephen is so keen on the idea he takes one with him. Unfortunately, the thing is a bit too big for the car. Stephen avoids the boot, probably out of fear of losing an arm, and so we are treated to the site of two people apparently having a conversation with a space hopper.

 The Space Hopper: considerably more competent than any of the candidates

Ricky, Laura and Jenna have gone to a boxing gym. Or "Ricky and his girls" as the narrator calls them, making him sound like a pimp. I'm half expecting him to show up in a huge fur coat covered in bling. Ricky is keen to demonstrate his combat moves, suit or no suit. He thinks the problem with boxercise is that it doesn't do enough for the elbows. He demonstrates a rotating elbow block that's likely to take out someones eye. The other half of the team is researching street dance. Nick asks to be shown how you would teach street dance to someones granny. The end result is a shuffle forward that leaves no-one in any danger until Ricky elbows them in the face.

Oh for goodness sake, this is going to get someone killed

Research complete, the teams regroup to work out moves with professional trainers whose job is, presumably, to stop them coming up with anything that will kill or severely injure anybody. But Tom has a different concern about Phoenix's retro idea. Are the  gyms going to pay for all these space hoppers, skipping ropes and hula hoops. Stephen thinks this won't be a problem as they already store exercise balls, rather failing to understand the concept of matter that stops two objects occupying the same space at the same time.

The next day dawns and the teams are again split into two. Stephen and Ricky will be working on their pitches, which just involves them talking into a wall, so we won't bother with them. Instead our attention will be on the sub-teams making the promotional videos. Duanne, always keen to be in charge, wants authority to essentially do whatever he likes, which Ricky, remarkably, grants him. Nick has a very pained expression.

For Stirling, Azhar, Jade and Adam have ended up in a disco. Azhar has been roped into appearing in the video and is being squeezed into shorts so small they're in danger of cutting of his circulation. I'm half expecting him to collapse part way through as no blood can make it to his legs. Jade has been made director which leaves Adam with nothing to do, so he is designated Choreographer. This is a bit like putting the kid that no-one wants in the nativity play in charge of props. But Adam is determined to contribute and drives everyone half round the bend by telling them to smile constantly and singing badly out of tune.

Over at Phoenix's video, it has been agreed that Duanne should direct and Laura, who has experience as a dancer, should star in the video. Unfortunately, that's about as much as they've managed to agree on. Duanne has made changes to the moves and Nick is worried that they're losing the combat element. Duanne thinks that everyone is being mean and horrible and won't let him do anything and it's not fair. I may be paraphrasing there, but the gist is that Duanne thinks any criticism at all is an attempt to undermine him and ruin the shoot.

Stirling have moved on to editing and Adam is determined to stamp his authority on the video by quibbling over every little detail. His eye's have started to develop a disturbing bulging quality like something out of Total Recall. He thinks Jade won't listen to him, but doesn't know if its because she's "deaf or thick or what". Another possibility disappears into the mammoth gulf between Adam's self-belief and reality.

Ricky's presentation prep has gone well and he's convinced that the whole team are happy and working well together. Back in the real world, Duanne and Laura are arguing about which is the most stressed while Nick looks on in despair like the embarrassed friend of a barely married couple. He tries to make peace and get everyone to shake hands but even this tiny olive branch is too much for Duanne who thinks they shouldn't force it. The fact that they can't even agree to a handshake is too much for Nick who bursts out laughing in sheer disbelief. Duanne looks sickened, nothing about this process is meant to be fun. I'm really starting to like Nick. The editing doesn't go much better, Duanne essentially ignores any criticism and blunders on regardless.

It's time for the presentations and Phoenix's first stop is Virgin fitness. To be fair to him, Ricky gives a confident performance and makes a decent job of justifying their combination of martial arts and dance, which they have named Beat Battle. Then the video plays which is entirely hum drum. One of the Virgin Fitness bods wants to know how this is different from Zumba. Ricky tries to emphasise the martial arts element, but it isn't present in the video. The team has a quick debriefing after the pitch and Laura suggests demoing some of the moves live at the next pitch. Watch out for those elbows.

Meanwhile, Stirling have arrived at Fitness First, where they are confronted by two people in identical jump suits that make them look members of a cult, and a smartly dressed business woman with an expression like she's never had a good day in her life. Stephen manages to introduce their retro fitness regime, names Groove Train, without saying anything too obviously ridiculous. Then he introduces the video, a disturbingly retro cheese fest accompanied by flash dance and Azhar's tiny shorts. It also highlights the essential problem with their idea, as they only seem to have been able to afford two hula hoops and two space hoppers for five people.

"You like you had a lot of fun making that," business woman says. The unspoken message in her tone is that they don't do fun at Fitness First. "Their is no fun at Fitness First. Their is only work and pain and Fitness. First last and always. Join us. Join the brethren of the blue jump suits. Surrender all your wordly goods." I may be exaggerating somewhat. Stephen is shocked to be asked about the cost of equipment. Apparently they'll get it all for free, but Fitness First are still not happy. Where are they going to store it all? Stepehn is left speechless. Its a pity that no-one like say Tom, had pointed out earlier that this might be a problem.

At Gym chain number two, Laura is demonstrating some Beat Battle moves. Then Duanne attempts to demonstrate the super-punch move in a pin stripe suit, first he forgets it and then nearly falls over. This is really highlighting the combat element. Stephen has moved on from free equipment to charging. Space Hoppers apparently cost £2 and skipping ropes and hula hoops £1, numbers he apparently got from the Bank of his Arse.

 "Oh Sorry"

Having reached Fitness First, Ricky manages to impress with his answers if not his video. He manages to deflect criticism that Beat Battle is just doing a bit of everything by actually suggesting that people can't decide between dancing and punching people, but delivers his answer with such confidence that he gets away with it. Virgin Fitness think Groove Train is a kids routine being miss sold to adults. Stephen is offended, Azhar's shorts are entirely unsuitable for children.

Back at the boardroom the offending video's are scrutinised. Lord Siralan thinks Groove Train is cheesy and they get shredded because of equipment costs, but he summarises Beat Battle as "good" which from the Sugarbot is borderline evangelism. Now its time for the totals Pure Gymn take 3 months of licensing off Stirling for £2970 and Fitness First offers them a one off £5000 fee for development rights. This throws Lord Siralan off, he's used to dealing with straight up sales, not complicated fee systems, how's he supposed to work out the total. Still, things are looking bad for Stephen who has no orders so far. But then Virgin turn up from a bizarre hallucinogenic dream world and offer nothing to Stirling and £12,000 to Phoenix so they can use it as a parent and child class. This is the equivalent of someone offering to take 12000 chocolate tea pots off them so that they can melt them down to make Easter eggs. The status of the equipment and the financial viability of the deal are unquestioned and, amazingly, Phoenix have won.

Relaxing at a spa, Azhar comments to Stephen that this is the taste of success. Both Azhar and Stephen have now tasted success as project managers, funny how success tastes like blind luck.

At the Bridge cafe, Stirling can't even generate the enthusiasm to bitch at one another, they're still in a state of shock from the loss. Back in the boardroom the blame is pinned on the video for being dull and failing to showcase the product. Ricky blames Duanne for the video and Laura for losing the combat element and drags them back into the boardroom. Lord Siralan thinks he's brought back the people who contributed. Ricky concedes, but still thinks they were the ones who failed the task. To be fair, it can't be your fault the team lost if you did nothing and if Jenna and Gabrielle weren't there would anyone have noticed?

Duanne defends Laura, but puts his own neck on the line. Things are looking dicey for Ricky, but his solid pitches save him and given that Lord Siralan thinks Laura shouldn't be there, all that's left is Duanne. Ricky is told he brought in the wrong people and that this is poor management, but it's actually been pretty smart as he has effectively manoeuvred Lord Siralan into firing one of the strong candidates. The loser's taxi is at least argument free, but only because Duanne is on his own.

NEXT TIME the budget only stretches as far as Scotland this year as the teams try to flog roadside foot. Cue Ricky in a kilt, everyone else running about in chef's outfits, someone trying to eat a squirrel and Jenna feeling "physically sick". Now she knows how the rest of us feel having to listen to her.