It's 6am and the candidates are dragged out of bed and told to assemble at HMS Belfast. James says "that's the Army." No James, it isn't. The clue is in the big boat. So what tenuous link will there be between the location and the task this week? Apparently Battleships, like HMS Belfast, inspired the board game Battleships and this week the teams have to design board games. Come on Lord Siral, you could have been more imaginative than that. What about meeting them in a giant shoe? Or while being clubbed over the head with a candlestick in a Library? Or halfway up a Ladder while fighting off snakes?
Army Boat
There will be no shuffling of the teams this week and Mark and Lauren seem extremely reluctant to be Team Tenacity Project Manager. Mark has no family and has never played a board game. I'm waiting for the Revelation that he was raised in the outback by Kangaroos or something. Pamela more or less gets bullied into the job. Meanwhile, Team Summit have somehow picked James?! For the second week in a row we get no hint as to how Summit picked the PM. Which has me wondering if it involves some elaborate and disturbing hazing ritual that can't be broadcast on TV for reasons of taste and decency.
The teams try to come up with board game ideas, most of which essentially boil down to charades. I'm not sure the teams have quite grasped the concept of a board game. Roisin comes up with something that sounds dull and complicated involving guessing countries. But to be fair, Roisin could make an orgy sound dull and complicated. Over at Tenacity Mark suggests a board game based on dating websites because this hasn't been done. Two points, there hasn't been a game based on the Holocaust, but it doesn't make it a good idea, and, secondly, given Mark claimed to know nothing about board games, how does he know this?
The teams are split up to visit focus groups. James and Bianca see a bunch of parents and children, but clearly they had nothing interesting or amusing to say as we don't hear any of it. Meanwhile, Mark, Lauren and Felipe speak to a group of board game enthusiasts in a pub. The latter have been lit in such a way as to make their skin looking pastier and more unsightly than it already is and they're all men. The program seems to be trying to send the message "these people are massive nerds". They are not impressed with the idea of a relationship game which they think could be sleazy. Though the way the program is presenting them, we're probably supposed to think they're just terrified of women.
Not a nerd
The sub-team report their findings back to Pamela. Mark concedes that they may not be the teams demographic. Given that these are serious board game fans used to playing games that have been developed and play tested over a period of months, they probably aren't the demographic for a game knocked up in two days by a group of people who aren't even sure what a board is. Pamela decides to ignore the focus group because sometimes you just do that. Plus she really like the idea. The sub-team nod sagely and agree and then got off the phone and discuss what a stupid mistake Pamela has just made.
Roisin is explaining her Geography game, GeoKnow, to a designer. But as this is incredibly boring we'll go back to Team Tenacity where Mark is trying to come up with questions for the newly christened "Relationship Guru". The game has now become a basic set of vaguely relationship themed trivia questions that are totally subjective and designed by a sexist lunatic. Example question: "Men think women should? a) Iron b) Smile more c) Always be happy"
The other halves of the teams have moved on to taking photos for the box covers. James and Bianca find it impossible to get on. James interrupts everything Bianca says and thinks any attempt to express an opinion is insubordination. On the other hand, Mark, Lauren and Felipe are working together brilliantly and the result is a photo of a man leaning on a giant pair of lips ineffectively trying to seduce a bored woman sitting on a throne while a disembodied arm either mimes "OK" or awards them 0 points. Pamela thinks this doesn't convey the games humorous theme. Maybe not, but certainly conveys the bat-shit insanity of most of the questions. Team Summit don't like their box cover much either. Solomon thinks it looks like a family about to be run over by a taxi.
James decides Bianca needs a good telling off to put her in her place as she is getting too big for her boots. This backfires a bit when she defends herself and refuses to let him speak until she has had her say. This is funny to watch, especially because Bianca is sitting on the kitchen counter while she's doing it, which makes it look a bit like a magic pixie has arrived to abuse James.
Taking the moral counter top
The next day the games arrive and the teams try them out. Things do not go well for Tenacity as no-one likes the game, even Daniel and he wrote the questions. Summit have more success, except for James who struggles to understand the rules, shouting "I am an American" in what sounds like a terrible attempt at an Italian accent. Hopefully you don't have to understand the game in order to sell it.
Having tried the games themselves, the teams try them with their target audience. As it's too late to make any changes now, this is really just a way to torture the candidates. A group of Primary School children love Geoknow, though this may be because the alternative is double maths. They manage to figure out the rules, which puts them ahead of James. Meanwhile, a group of adults hate Relationship Guru. Daniel's defence has shifted. He is now claiming that he hated the questions when he wrote them, but Pamela liked them. To clarify, he is saying that he deliberately wrote questions he hated because he thought Pamela would like them.
Having and offensive and sexist time
With gaming sessions complete, the teams now have to try and sell the games to some shops. Roisin gives James some last minute pointers on the rules, which he is, amazingly, still struggling to grasp. They pitch the to Toys 'R Us, who seem to like the game, but want to pay less than the £14.50 James wants. Roisin tries to say something but James cuts her off. Maybe he's just figured out the rules and doesn't want to be distracted. He sells 30 copies for £10 each. Meanwhile, Sanjay manages to sell 15 copies for £17.50 each. James is delighted and claims "we" have made back the money lost at Toys 'R Us. There's no "we" James. What you mean is that Sanjay just saved your arse.
Meanwhile, Summit are having a more difficult time. Representative of Waterstones thinks the questions are offensive and sexist. Daniel agrees that it is a quirky game, so he's agreeing with something different from what they actually said. At least he doesn't claim he wouldn't play the game himself. Waterstones don't buy any.
At Toys 'R Us, Mark, amazingly, persuades them to take 60 copies for £8 each. Given that they also think the questions are awful and the target market is completely wrong, I'm not sure how he did this. He seems to just claim that the game is suitable for all ages in blatant defiance of the obvious facts. Perhaps they edited out the scene where he pulled out his hypno-watch or just straight up offered them a bribe?
James is pitching at another shop who agree to take a few copies on condition of exclusivity within the Hampstead post code. James gets on the phone to the other team to make sure they haven't sold any copies in Hampstead. They haven't, but, unfortunately, this gives Bianca an idea. At the next shop they go in, she offers exclusivity for the whole Westminster area in return for an order of six copies. James is furious, though mostly because he never gave her the authority to offer exclusivity. Because whether the team wins or loses is less important than Bianca having a clear understanding of the chain of command.
James is enthusiastic about Bianca's performance
Mark is selling well, but it seems to be going to his head and he is now claiming that Katie and Pamela are his Apprentices. He then goes into a pitch and claims that you don't have to be a "rocket surgeon" to play the game. It's a tricky business rocket surgery. One wrong move and you can cause serious brain damage and an explosion. Speaking of rockets, Daniel tries to flog a few copies to Forbidden Planet who pass, which is a surprise. A trivia game from a bizarre alternate universe seems like an excellent fit for their market.
Possibly a bit far-fetched
Solomon tries to sell to Waterstone and is badly hamstrung by the exclusivity clause Bianca "negotiated" (or gave away like she was handing out free t-shirts). He manages to make a sale, but has to offer a big discount because Waterstones won't be able to sell the game in their largest store, the one they are currently sitting in.
With only a few minutes left there is time for a few last minutes sales. Sales "genius" Daniel manages to shift 10. Will James be able to match? He has found a shop that's interested, but finds the exclusivity rules bizarre. They would only be able to sell the game online. James refuses to budge on shifting the last 31 copies and, for once, it works. The frustrating thing about James stubborn and brash approach does work in some situations, but James has no idea how to tailor his approach to his audience.
We're back with Lord Siralan, so brace yourself for this weeks hilarious quip. "From board games to the board room." My sides!
To business and James is so excited that he can't stop himself from interrupting everyone, including Lord Siralan which is incredibly stupid. Bianca says that James management style was dictatorial, but her criticism is slightly undermined by the colossal stupidity of her exclusivity deal for Westminster. She admit it was a mistake and apparently meant to say "post code" and not "borough". Because, having said the wrong word there was no way she could say "sorry I meant postcode" or anything like that. I said Bianca was a magic pixie once she has said something she is bound by it for all eternity.
Lord Siralan wants to know why Pamela ignored the market research that called the idea terrible. She claims she made a "decisive decision". That's a relief, I would hate to think she made an indecisive one. Lord Siralan finds the questions amusing, but not in a good way. He says "you couldn't make it up". Which is a bit of an odd comment given that Daniel quite obviously did.
Unsurprisingly, Summit win this one with total sales of £2080 to Tenacity's £1112. Lord Siralan seems actively pissed off that he can't fire James and tells him he still has a lot to learn. James nods seriously and then ignores this completely, claiming he's shown Lord Siralan he can do it and "he really believes in me now". I'd love to know what planet James is living on, because they clearly speak a completely different language there, and don't understand tone of voice, body language or facial expressions.
Back with team Tenacity, Pamela is still blaming Daniel for the terrible questions and he is still blaming her for making him write the questions.
In the boardroom, Lord Siralan criticises Mark and Lauren for not putting themselves forward as project manager. Given that Mark volunteered last week, this feels like reaching for criticism of the one member of the team who acquitted himself well. In fact Lord Siralan is bizarrely hostile to Mark overall and makes a borderline offensive crack about "waltzing Matlida". I'm not sure what Mark has done to piss him off, not laugh at his "board room" pun? Mark's previous confidence is short and he even lets Daniel get in a crack about a great number two not necessarily making a great number one. Is Daniel calling him shit? It's a bit hard to tell.
Mark is feeling less confident all of a sudden
Pamela claims that Daniel and Lauren both "sat on the fence" and we're difficult to work with. Daniel, in a bullish mood now because Lord Siralan is criticising Mark, points out that it's difficult to be both. Not that Lord Sirlan thinks much of Daniel, he thinks he is delusional and a fantasist. Daniel at least remembers not to agree.
Pamela brings Daniel and Lauren back into the board room, an idea she definitely didn't get from Mark. She claims Daniel hasn't pulled his weight and is disruptive. It's hard to argue with the second point, but it can't be easy to write out all of those completely insane questions. She also says Lauren criticises but doesn't put forward any ideas of her own and that rambles and never gets to the point. Lauren tries to say something but is interrupted by Pamela rambling and never getting to the point. Daniel says he isn't interested in listening to them argue, which is unfortunate because Lord Siralan apparently is. Daniel still doesn't quite understand the power dynamic in the board room.
Daniel insists he learns from every mistake, which is really just a feeder line for Lord Siralan to quip that based on the number of mistakes he's made he must be a genius. You could at least make it difficult for him Daniel. Lord Siralan thinks Lauren may be "playing a clever game" which he can't substantiate with any evidence or insight but sounds like the sort of thing you get criticised for. Lord Siralan seems to be reaching for a reason not to fire Daniel, but has slightly lost his thread. He points out that Pamela has only been in full time work for a year, but then decides that doesn't matter. He says Daniel can't substantiate the claims he makes, which is another word for lying, but he like his enthusiasm. So he's an enthusiastic liar then, exactly the sort of person you want to work with. He says he's deeply disappointed in Lauren, but it's not exactly clear why, and then fires Pamela because she was responsible for the product and we can't fire Daniel as he's too interesting.
A liar or a fantasist?
Lord Siralan threatens Lauren by reminding her that he has "total flexibility" to get rid of dead wood. Well not total flexibility Lord Siralan, we still have six episodes to make. But he's only toying with her, he doesn't think she's dead wood, but she has to stop playing a game. Which is quite difficult when you consider that she's competing with a group of people on national television in order to win a prize.
Back at the house Mark claims he was close to offering Lord Siralan an ultimatum, him or Daniel. He probably just forgot to say anything, it's not that he thought Lord Siralan would probably have kept Daniel instead of him for anything. He's pretty annoyed when Daniel comes back. Though Katie pretty much sums up everyone's feelings when she says she's surprised he's still here.
Next Time: It's the week when Lord Siralan appears as a disembodied head on a view screen and the teams are split between London and New York though, sadly, not down the middle with an axe. According to James, the world is as big as their oyster. So either a small world or a very big oyster.
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