Remain indoors
It's the art task! Each team has to choose two artists to represent and will then sell their art at a one day gallery opening in Brick Lane. This is the second time Brick Lane has featured in this series, does Lord Siralan have a bunch of properties there or something? Just to add to the fun, the artists are split bewteen Bristol and London and so the teams will be split up to go and meet them.
Stephen puts himself forward as head of team Stirling, which should be good for a laugh if (definitely) nothing else. But he faces a challenge from Gabrielle, deciding to be in the program this week, who has experience working with artists, representing artists, organising galleries, selling art, etc, etc. This makes Stephen look, somehow, even more ineffectual than usual and even he ends up voting for her. Still, it's better than last week when Nick was voted team leader ahead of Ricky simply because he's closer to being a human being.
Over on team Phoenix, Tom has stuck his head over the parapet. Apparently, he is something of a street art collector and waxes on at length about his knowledge. Tom has been one of the more competent candidates, quietly totting up figures in the background and, usually, spotting when one of the other candidates is making a stupid decision. I quite like him because of his inability to hide his disgust at the idiocy of the people around him. But, let's just say he isn't blessed with the ability to communicate enthusiasm. Or, alternatively, he sounds a bit like a artificial voice synthesiser that has been slowed down and broadcast through someones nose as they quietly drift off to sleep. He can also be, just a bit, arrogant and patronising. especially when he feels the need to explain to the others that no-one knows the real identity of Banksy.
That said, it's hard to go wrong by overestimating Adam's level of ignorance. Not only did he not know this about Banksy, but he struggles to get his head around the concept until he realises that it's essentially the same as the Stigg. Actually, Adam is in one of least annoying modes today. Having previously known nothing about street art, instead of treating it with casual disdain, he jumps in with boyish enthusiasm, deciding to voice his interpretation of everything he sees. He lets out a stream of absolute toss when visiting Bristol-based artist SPQR. SPQR, who is somewhat anti-establishment, looks at Adam and Jane like they're the first people he wants to put up against a wall when the revolution comes.
In addition to the hordes of anonymous Brick Lane trendies, the teams will also be pitching to specially selected corporate clients, looking for a bit of art for their walls. With that in mind, Tom is meeting with Renault to sort out their requirements. They want something modern, trendy and with lots of style. Tom also notes their budget and the amount of space they have to work with. Meanwhile, Gabrielle is meeting with her corporate client, a Gin distiller, who want something best of British. Gabrielle is highly enthusiastic, you can tell because she has started to shriek, but doesn't bother to get details of their budget or wall space.
In fact, Gabrielle's whole approach seems to consist of fawning all over the artists like an MP at a News International Party. Flattery seems to get you everywhere in the art world, as the artists are clearly warming to her. Faced with former builder Nathan Bowen and his intriguing scribble people she goes nuts, probably because he used Union Jacks (someone had to think they were fashionable). Meanwhile, in Bristol, Ricky and Nick are looking at the work of the exact same artist and deciding they hate it.
I knew they were in
Actually, Ricky and Nick are proving to be quite an entertaining double act. They manage to have an earnest debate of whether they should take off their ties or not, and then a further debate over whether they should consult with Gabrielle on this issue. Word of advice guys, you are no way going to look like part of the art world regardless of what you do with your ties.
Steady on there Tom! Don't get too excited!
In London, Tom thinks he has hit on the mother lode, an artist called Pure Evil who specialises in bold, Lichtenstein-esque images of crying women. The artist actually looks quite dull for the embodiment of all that is vile and base. Perhaps he's making a statement about the banality of evil? Either that or the look he's going for is of a faintly dodgy PE teacher who wonders into the boys changing rooms when they're showering one too many times for it to be purely accidental. Tom decides to impress him with his knowledge of the street art scene, waxing lyrical about the artists he likes. I think he's trying to convey an air of expertise and competence, but the effect is to make him look like a know-all. Vague Evil is not impressed, not that Tom has picked up on this. He's so excited his voice almost, slightly changes tone. Then Gabrielle wonders in like an overexcited Three year old on speed flavour ice-cream and starts banging on about how much she loves the art, as well as puppies, kittens and rainbows. Pure Cotton is clearly smitten.
The Face of Evil
Tom has gone on to meet James Jessop, an artist who seems to be on the same wavelength as him. Which is to say both of them sound like they couldn't give two shits about the other. Jessop specialises in huge, B-Movie style posters pieces that fill a wall and sell for £10,000 a time. Tom doesn't much like his work and thinks he wouldn't be able to sell it in any case. He settles on Pure Evil and Copyright, a Bristol based artist in front of whom Adam inhas been embarrassing himself.
Grrr!
But, disaster strikes for Tom. Gabrielle has also chosen Pure Evil, as well as Nathan Bowen and Mr Evil has chosen Gabrielle. Sorry, but competence and knowledge doesn't cut it when compared to flattery and keen-ness. Still, if these artists knew about sales they wouldn't be getting other people to flog their work. Tom looks devastated, or as devastated as he is capable of looking. With no backup plan, and less than favourable reviews for SPQR, he decides to take a risk on James Jessop, reasoning that even one sale could win them the task. He also thinks that Pure Evil must be mad to go with the other team. Possibly true, but he is sounding a little bit like a stalker jealous of his target's new boyfriend.
With artists chosen, or reluctantly forced on them, the teams now have to set up their galleries for the big night. Adam and Jade are shocked to discover the size of James Jessop's work, while Ricky and Nick discover that Gabrielle actively went out and selected an artist they hated. As that artist is coming down to do some live drawing, they should probably keep that opinion to themselves. But Stephen has had a brilliant idea inspired by Banksy. Why not keep the artists out back where no-one can see him? Possibly because it looks like they haven't got the artist and just have someone scribbling randomly out back?
Once the night gets going, Tom is desperate to sell a Jessop (which sounds like a euphemism for something). He ends up asking someone "what would it take for you take this away?" About 10 grand of someone else's money seems the obvious answer. Laura, meanwhile, is struggling with sales. She 's trying for soft self, but seems to be just asking everyone if they're having a good time, like a host at a party, if you're generous, or someones Mum at a school disco, if you're not. Meanwhile, Adam is flogging art just like its a market stall. "Come and get you're art. Going cheap. Two for a fiver." It seems to be working, but possibly only because of sheer novelty value.
Tom takes some time out of his Jessop shifting (nudge, nudge) to schmooze his corporate clients. They seem reasonably taken with Copyright's work. Meanwhile, at Stirling, everyone is so busy get excited about the art that they've completely forgotten their corporate clients. They arrive and there's no-one to meet them and no drinks on the door. Finally Stephen blunders over. Frankly, they'd have been better off left alone. Stephen witters on for a while about art and doesn't introduce them to the team or the artist. He finally offers them a drink, but laughs in their face when they ask for a gin and tonic. The clients are left wandering off into the night. Not that Gabrielle has noticed, she's far too busy flogging art. Low cost art is shifting well and Banal Evil has proven popular. On the other, by the end of the evening it's not clear if Tom has shifted any of James Jessop's work at all.
Satisfied Customers
In the boardroom Tom is, predictably, in trouble for losing Pure Tedium and for his failure to flog Jessop's billboard sized works. It turns out, in the end he didn't manage to shift any. But, his defence, that he took a gamble, always plays well with Lord Siralan.
Over on Stirling's side, Gabrielle and Stephen are in trouble for the poor treatment of the corporate client and failure to find out what their budget was. Gabrielle tries to claim she did this on purpose. Maybe she disapproves of alcohol and actively wanted to sabotage them? Frankly this is as plausible as the bollocks she comes out with. When it's revealed that they had a budget of £10,000 and Stephen was trying to flog them £500 prints, his response is to claim that the budget was "news to me." This is another trademark Stephen truth-lie. It is technically true, but creates the misleading impression that his lack of knowledge wasn't entirely his own fault.
Stirling sold nothing to the corporate client, while Tom flogged his clients £2000 of Copyright's work. But alas, thanks to the acquisition of cheaper art, Stirling edge ahead by £171. Tom looks broken, even Lord Siralan looks pissed. Don't worry your chance to eviscerate Stephen in the boardroom will come soon. Stirling are sent on a treat that involves covering them in paint and hurling them at a wall. Possibly an experiment in exactly what idiots will do if you tell them its supposed to be fun.
Tom looks half dead. Can't say I blame him, however you spin it the crucial mistakes were down to him. If he'd gotten Dilute Evil or had a better backup artist they could have won. As it is, he will have to trade on his past record and the fact that Lord Siralan likes a gambler. Tom is quickly castigated for taking the wrong tone with the artist and coming across as a know-it-all. Tom looks suitably shame-faced. Lord Siralan is, predictably, sympathetic to Tom's gambling ways and it's looking good so far. Tom's striking the right note of humility. But of course someone has to be fired and Tom is thrown a lifeline when it is revealed that Laura's sales were half that of Jade or Adam. Laura says she was out of her comfort zone. But Lord Siralan points out that Adam was even further out and rose to the occasion. Lets not go over board, Adam managed to go for one week without being totally unbearable. But Lord Siralan seems to have taken a liking to him for some unfathomable reason, which leads me to believe that Adam may in fact just be a figment of Lord Siralan's imagination given horrible form.
Tom has to make his final pick and goes with Jade and Laura. He can hardly pick Adam as he made the most sales and his decisiveness is quickly contrasted with Jade's dithering last week. With Adam gone, Laura is an obvious target but then Tom turns on Jade. Apparently she gave him bad advice about SPQR and now he thinks that he and Adam would have done just as well without her. Steady on Tom, this is starting to sound like bitterness from last week. I'm liking Tom a lot less at the moment. Still he is looking safe.
But then something goes wrong. Tom justifies himself by claiming he runs a million pound business having only been out of University for two years. Talking about your outside success rarely plays well, but Lord Siralan's reaction here is, frankly, bizarre. Apparently Tom's external success means he isn't serious about the process. If he's turning over a million pound plus he clearly can't want Lord Siralan's poxy 250 grand. He's just here to point and laugh or something. Tom looks a mixture of flabbergasted and horrified. For a multi-millionaire Lord Siralan is remarkably insecure. Is Tom set to go, if so it would be a remarkable upset. But no, at the last minute Laura gets the boot. The only thing that saved Tom was his gambling ways, apparently, which suggests that the best way to win Lord Siralan's favour is to blow all your budget on lottery tickets.
NEXT TIME: The teams re-brand British sparkling wine. Britane? Alcoholic Grape-ade? The candidates all seem to have taken advantage of too many freebies and Tom forgets what he's saying in the middle of a sentence.
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