But alas no, this is the reinvestment or "smell what sells" task. The teams are given two pitches and a bundle of cash to buy stock from a wholesalers. Then they take their stock to the pitches, sell what they can and use the profits to invest in more stock. Just like a real business, if the pitches were paid for by the BBC and the salespeople went everywhere by Limo. The key to this task is to "smell what sells" and spend your profit appropriately on more of the same high selling items. Apparently it's quicker to smell sales, rather than to keep a careful account of which items have sold, which have made the most profit and use this to make a calculation as to which items you should buy. Fun fact: sales smell faintly of peppermint.
The teams are slightly shuffled, with Stephen moved to Phoenix and Laura to Stirling. Jade is the only remaining apprenti who hasn't been PM, so she's pretty much stuck with it. Over at Stirling, Ricky volunteers, but so does Nick and the team decides they should probably just go with Nick because he's half way bearable. Ricky looks displeased. In spite of this initial friction, team Phoenix quickly decide to take pitches in Romford Market and Romford Shopping centre, because they're close to both each other and to the warehouse. They then quickly turn their attention to stock, acquiring a bundle of beauty products, including spray tan and press on nails, and some cleaning equipment. Job done.
Back with Stirling and Jade thinks her great strength as PM is she can make quick decisions. In what must be the fastest self-contradiction in Apprentice history, she has now gotten bogged down in an argument about the best pitch. Azhar thinks they should consider whether they should chose a location where they will sell more at lower prices or less at higher prices. This would be a good point to consider if it were possible to determine this by staring at a dot on a map. After about two hours babbling on, Jade decides that all the pitches are much of a muchness anyway and picks Pitsea market and Ilford shopping centre, because she likes the names or something.
Team Stirling seem somewhat less focused than Phoenix, chucking a random collection of any old thing into a trolley. Jade just about avoids vibrating toys, of which the less said the better, but she still ends up with MP3 docking stations, self-propelled toy insects, press on eye lashes and more spray tan. Fortunately, Tom is tracking the costs, so at least they have a chance of making some money. But now an argument has broken out over how to divide the stock. Azhar thinks they should take more stock to the more distant location. He also uses the words strategy and strategic a lot in the, mistaken, belief that it makes him sound like he knows what he's talking about. This is all too confusing for Jade who just tells him to forget it and divides everything straight down the middle. Probably not by cutting individual items in half, but I wouldn't put that past her.
The task proper doesn't start until the next morning, so the Apprenti are up bright and early. Stephen and Ricky strut into the market in jackets and suits like a pair of gangsters who have come for their protection money. Maybe that would be a better plan than trying sales. Stephen thinks they need a hook to sell their collection of mops. Cue an embarrassing music hall scene in which Stephen complains about his back and Ricky suggests that the mob will in someway help it.
At the shopping centres both teams are setting up on what look like painting and decorating tables. No expense spared for Lord Siralan's apprenti. Poor Nick is looking a little bit lost and confused, but Jenna and Gabrielle are in their element spouting beauty-based sales bollocks. This cheap as heck tan is apparently new, natural,goes on easy and even good for sensitive skin. Good in that it turns it orange presumably. Still the public are lapping it up.
Team Stirling are having a harder time. Their eclectic mix makes their stand look like a jumble sale and it makes it hard to make a concerted pitch. We've got a great range of products, come look at our products. Do you want a hot water bottle? No. How about an MP3 player? Alright, how about a toy insect and a bottle of spray tan? No? I honestly can't think of anything else in the world that anyone would possibly need.
Over at Pitsea Market things are going better. Adam is in his element, his element being working at a market, and products are shifting. Unfortunately, they are shifting at rock-bottom prices. Adam is still in a buoyant mood. He reckons he has now proved he can sell anywhere. Anywhere apparently consisting of a couple of shopping centres and a market.
At Romford market, God himself is so embarrassed by Stephen's and Ricky's performance that he's called down a flood. With the rain coming down the shoppers have bolted, leaving Ricky and Stephen with no-one to irritate. So they get on the phone to Nick who tells them to go buy more spray tan. Should they drop off their left over cleaning products first? No, it's straight on to the warehouse. This is a decision that may cost them.
Jade and Adam make it to the warehouse, but Jade's nose doesn't seem to be working properly. The rest of the team want her to buy more of their best selling product, the toy bug, but Jade is determined to get something of everything. That way if someone doesn't want a bug, they can buy a hot water bottle. Essentially, if they manage to hold the entirety of the universe on their stall, then you can be sure of having something for everyone. Re-stocking done and Azhar wants to talk strategy again. His point is that they should sell what they can in two hours and then re-stock again based on what they have left. Unfortunately, he peppers his sentences with so many "basicallys", "obviouslys" and "strategies" that everyone's brain completely shuts down.
Jade attempts to smell what sells
Still, this is better than Ricky and Stephen who are shut down in traffic. Nick, Jenna and Gabrielle having cleared out of spray tan and false nails, and having convinced the people of Romford to take beard trimmers off them by claiming their bikini line trimmers, now have nothing left to sell. Worse is to come, when they get to the Warehouse, there's only eighty-four bottles of tan. After a massive considered pause, Nick tells them to get more hot water bottles. Never before has the word "hot water bottle" been imbued with such gravitas.
After another round of sales there is just time for one more restock, before the team's shift location to the Lakeside shopping centre for some evening shopping. Despite protestations from the rest of the team, Jade is still determined to buy a bit of everything. Tom, in particular, looks drained by the level of idiocy on display, while Azhar just says "strategy" in a cross voice. I am starting to think that Azhar maybe some kind of strategy smurf, and strategy is the only noun he can use. Ricky and Stephen are also annoyed as Nick has sent them restocking. Ricky thinks this is foolish as they are clearly the best salespeople. This is certainly true, in the magical kingdom or Ricky's arse. Nevertheless, he asserts himself by bitching to the camera crew behind Nick's back.
At the Lakeside, Stephen demonstrates his superior sales skills by bellowing about decisions into a megaphone, before offering a "men's high quality trimmer." Presumably this is for trimming some of that excess quality men often have sprouting out of their face. But Jenna and Gabrielle are still selling well. On the other side of the shopping centre, Stirling are also selling well, but only by deep discounting their prices.
With selling over it's back to the boardroom. Team Stirling are quite positive about Nick's performance. But Lord Siralan is not happy to discover that they were without stock for part of the day. He pronounces it "shameful," which seems a bit excessive when you consider that this is the man responsible for the Amstrad Emailer. Nick is starting to look worried. But, over at team Phoenix, there seems to have been no organisation at all. But Stirling win the task by £117 and win the prize of drinking dubious looking cocktails in what looks like a dungeon.
Lord Siralan actually concedes that Phoenix didn't do a bad job, leaving them with little to talk about at Bridges cafe. Adam thinks he was better than everyone else put together, which is nothing new. Azhar, in a surprising move, thinks that it might have had something to do with strategy. Jade pretty much concedes that, as the project manager, it was all down to her. Probably best not to say that in the boardroom.
In fact, Lord Siralan thinks he's hit on the explanation for the team's loss already. While Nick and co were selling spray tan at £10 a bottle, they were selling for closing to £5. This puts Tom in the firing line, as he worked out prices, but he manages a quick re-direct. Knowing nothing about tan, fake eye-lashes or press on nails, he delegated all of that to Laura and Jade. Jade also gets the blame for failing to smell what sells. Or, in human language, for always buying the same seven items regardless of how well anything sold or how much they had in stock. Things are looking bleak for Jade, but she has a scapegoat ready in the form of Azhar. Apparently he "caused trouble." This is Apprentice Project Manager speak for "disagreed with me and was right." Jades complaint appears to be that Azhar spent so long banging on about strategy that they didn't have any time to sell anything, or something.
Jade is called on to bring back two people to the boardroom. Azhar is an obvious target, but she struggles on the second. This in spite of Lord Siralan handing her an obvious target in Laura, by asking her what she contributed and being unimpressed by the response. Jade picks on Tom, who deadpans that he made all the right decisions. It's reached a point where no level of idiocy would surprise Tom. Jade starts moaning that she wasn't prepared for this, which suggests she hasn't been paing much attention to the format of the show Tom, who has now given up the will to live, says he doesn't mind and Jade should pick who she likes, so back he comes.
Tom is past caring
Jade doesn't have much of a defence in the boardroom. She falls back on wild exaggerations about the brilliance of her business plan, which isn't on the table. Azhar gets flack for being a whinge bag that no-one listens to. It's clear that Tom, who managed the margins well, shouldn't be here. When Lord Siralan asks who should be fired, he's asking for his considered opinion rather than a defence. Both Azhar and Tom think Jade should go. It's looking bleak. But, all of a sudden, the fickle finger of Lord Siralan swings Azhar's way and he gets fired. Presumably for having used up the entire series supply of the word strategy in one episode. Apparently Lord Siralan "admires Jades enthusiasm". Does Azhar lack enthusiasm? Did you not see those shorts? Maybe he did and that's the problem.
In the taxi Azhar thinks he has been robbed. Others in the process are playing a strategic game. Actually, I think they're just playing X-Box kinnect. But this last use of the word strategy has broken the World record, so Azhar will make it into the history books for that at least.
NEXT TIME: the digitised disembodied head of Lord Siralan speaks to the Apprenti from a post apocalyptic wasteland and commands them to sell street art. Look forward to sales bollocks even less convincing than the all natural spray tan.
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