An unbelievable offer
Lord Siralan has dragged them to the boardroom at midnight, because nothing gets the business juices flowing like sleep deprivation. He has apparently read all the CVs and thinks its all bullshit and that actions are more important than words, which leaves us wondering why they needed extensive auditions when they could have grabbed sixteen random people off the street? Still we're moving quickly this year, there's barely time for any snarky remarks before he's demanding to know who will be project managers.
Jaz volunteers for the girls almost before he's finished asking the question. Jason, somewhat more cautiously throws his cap into the ring for the boys. He may be trying to prove something as Lord Siralan didn't sound impressed when he admitted to having spent years studying ancient Greek. He always claims not to care about anyone's background, but Lord Al is remarkably touchy about anyone having any formal education beyond which way round to hold a pencil.
The teams are being sent out to the docks to collect some shipping containers full of stuff to sell, all of which must be gone by 4pm the next day, which makes it sound like it may involve contraband or narcotics. In the end, the teams are presented with a collection of water bottles, cat litter, toilet rolls, bubble wrap, leather jackets, and lucky waving cats. Possibly less about shifting contraband and more cleaning out the cupboards at Sugar towers.
But before that the teams need names. The girls reject Asteroid, possibly sensibly given its association with things crashing and burning and settle on Evolve, while the boys come up with Endeavour, which is likely to get ITV's legal team on the case.
The newly christened teams try to divy up stock and come up with a strategy. Jaz is full of enthusiasm but not much else and the girls feel patronised. But if Jaz is a teacher, Jason is the slightly pathetic teacher left repeating himself while the class talks over him. He delegates sub-team management to Neil, a man who doesn't understand the difference between beard and chest hair. He also thinks that Jason has surrendered team leadership to him, which suggests he doesn't understand hierarchies either.
The freshly divided sub teams set off with a van each and a copy of the yellow pages because the Internet doesn't exist in Sugar world. Both teams try to get rid off the water first. Rebecca thinks she's a brilliant salesperson who won't stop until she's made a deal, but she seems slightly shocked when the pub owner she's talking to says he doesn't sell a lot of water. "What you don't want to buy whatever I want to sell you at whatever price I want to charge?"
For team Morse, Alex is pitching water to a coach company. By which I mean trying to sell it, not throwing it at their heads, though the later is not unlikely on this show. Alex is a typical Apprentice type; 22 but looks twice that and Managing Director of his own company which probably sells buttons out of his Mum's bedroom or something. He also has a face like a 1970s Doctor Who villain and eyebrows like evil caterpillars. Despite this, he comes across as moderately good humoured and likable, possible because of his welsh accent which isn't ideally suited for self-important bollocks.
Alex Mills - Company Director... of EVIL
He manages to shift the water by charging 12p a bottle, which is the same price they pay their regular supplier which means they're not so much doing a deal as doing him a favour. Evolve, meanwhile have managed to shift their water to a chain of American diners.
Jason's team are trying to get rid of the horrifying gold, waving cats to a casino. The manager is reluctant until Myles, who looks a bit like Jeremy Kyle doing an advert for 'Just for men', offers to throw in the batteries. At first I thought this was a clever way to make two sales at once until I realised they didn't have any batteries, and the team are left desperately scrounging around for some before unpackaging all the cats and installing them in a car park. There's going the extra mile to make a sale and there's taking a three week walking holiday in the Lake District.
By men for men
But team Evolve aren't doing much better with their cats. Jaz has lead them to China town, which is rather like driving up to an igloo with an ice maker. Plus, no-one in China town is up yet. Jaz's team are left wandering Oxford street trying to get rid of Union Jack mugs, which is about as hopeless a task as trying to sell lucky cats in Chinatown. When it looks like they've made a sale, Jaz actually hugs the guy, until it's revealed that he isn't actually the manager and the manager has quite enough cheap shit with flags painted on it.
Saw them coming
At Battersea Dogs and Cats home, Neil has delegated the sales pitch to Zeehan, which according to his logic should mean he has given up all control of the team. Except, letting Zee lead the sales pitch actually means shouting over his shoulder. Because or in spite of the pitch the team still manages to clear a sale.
With the end of the day fast approaching, Rebecca manages to redeem herself somewhat by flogging the bubble wrap and toilet rolls to an office supply depot. Jason, meanwhile is left trying to get rid of ukuleles, has he considered throwing them in a bush? Remarkably, a passing music shop leads to an eleventh hour sale.
Back in the boardroom, neither team seems much impressed by their project managers. Neil reckons he pretty much lead the team. Though he put in such a memorable performance that Alex calls him Liam. But when the figures are totted up, Team Morse comes ahead by £58. Remarkably, winning the task isn't enough for Tim who, stung by Lord Siralan's earlier criticisms, feels the need to make a speech. Candidates have talked their way in and out of the boardroom and even into being fired, but trying it after having won is certainly a new one.
By way of reward they are packed off to their temporary home, which looks like a large shed wedged between two nicer houses but is actually quite impressive on the inside, incorporating a massive stair well that looks ideal for plummeting to your doom. While the boys enjoy a slap up feast, the girls are packed off to the usual cafe. Given that the boardroom showdown isn't until the next day, this suggest the uncomfortable possibility that they were left driving around the streets until the boys were finished, like unwanted parents at a teenagers birthday party.
Death Plunge
Next day in the boardroom, the sub-team is determined that they won't take the fall as they made the bulk of the teams profit. But Uzma comes under fire for not having sold anything. She argues that she was handling logistics, but this isn't enough to keep her out of the final three. Sophie is also dragged in. She spotted that trying to sell lucky cats in China Town was a dumb idea, but didn't actually get any sales and spent most of the day whinging.
Capricious as ever, Lord Siralan decides that logistics is actually a thing this week and that Uzma is being scape-goated. Sophie is looking under pressure but in the end its Jaz who gets fired. Apparently she caused 'mayhem' if you define mayhem as four women on a shopping trip.
The girls return to the house where the remaining candidates appear to be having a pyjama party.
Next Time: Twice in one week, we are really being spoiled. The teams attempt to produce flavoured beer and end up with something closer to chemical warfare, and Jason is a 'silly shit' according to Alex.
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