Monday 3 June 2013

Episode 4 - May 22nd 2013 - Farm Shops

It's pretty normal for their to be a fight among Apprenti over who gets to answer the phone. Not sure why, maybe they're just desperate for any form of exposure or that they, bizarrely, think that taking the call increase their prestige? But Luisa seems peculiarly keen. After getting hold of the handset in episode two, she's always hovering in the background trying to listen in on the call.



Lord Siral drags them over to the Surrey Docks city farm, where he informs them that farmers have been bringing their produce into the city for over ten years. Personally, I think they've been doing it a bit longer than that. I don't think Victorian factory workers subsisted on a diet of smog and brick dust. The task this week is sell farm produce at farm stores Lord Siral has 'laid on' (take a drink). After three straight losses for the girls, Lord Siral pretty much has to shuffle the teams or risk the possibility of an all male shorlist. Natalie and Uzma and duly moved to team Morse, because he 'wants to keep an eye on them.' Is he going to be watching this team more closely? Maybe he prefers watching Karen to Nick, not sure what he's thinking there. Miles, Jordan and Jason are shuffled over to team Evolve.



Neil ends up in charge of the reconstituted Morse, probably just by bellowing that he's always been in charge and invented the concept of leadership until everyone gave in. Luisa puts herself forward as leader of Evolve, because she has experience in the food industry and Rebecca puts herself forward because Luisa is annoying. Despite not really having an argument, Rebecca looks quite put out when Luisa wins out over her. She may have overestimated  just how annoying Luisa is.

 Mutual respect

Over at team Morse, Kurt is strongly pushing milkshakes. That he wants to start up a milkshake business is surely a coincidence. But it might be a good idea, the costs are low and the margins high. Neil leads Alex and Natalie on a hunt for milk, which turns out to be unfortunate as Natalie turns out to be terrified of cows. And all other animals as well as some inanimate objects. It may simply be fear of the unknown, it takes three goes for her to identify a cow having previously tried horse and dog. Alex runs around the field taking pictures of cows, while Natalie assumes that anything looking at him, not looking at him or moving away from him is about to charge.

 Watch out Alex, they look angry

The sub-team are on there way to buy milk and Alex is volunteering to dress up as a scarecrow, which is an improvement over a vampire I suppose. Kurt is confident they can sell 200 milkshakes but Neil is less sure. But, thanks to a maths cock up by Alex, who seems to want to divide everything by 2, they end up with 100 litres, enough for 400 milkshakes if Kurt is to be believed.

Meanwhile, team Evolve have decided to buy buffalo meet because Jordan thinks it will be a good talking point. The theory is sound and the margins moderate, but the price is high. Luisa buys a whole Buffalo's worth which puts a squeeze on the budget. The sub-team of Francesca, Miles and Jason are stuck trying to convince her that they need more than six corn cobs to dress the rest of the shop while Luisa squawks down the phone that they need to 'engage brains.' In the end I think they just left the phone on the shop floor.

On the other hand Neil is having the opposite problem. A milkshake-obsessed Kurt is refusing to buy anything that isn't milk or shake. With only £30 worth of Veg in the van, Neil is forced to make a desperate bid for the lactose-intolerant market by buying up half the stock of another farm shop at premium prices.

Next day dawns and, after the inevitable flap over window dressing, the shops open. Evolve get off to a bad star, their first customers practically have a heart attack when they find out the cost of the buffalo. Miles and Francesca are also having trouble flogging soup and jacket potatoes in the street. Miles vetos samples on the grounds that it doesn't actually taste nice. He suggests some display jacket potatoes, but the finished results look a bit like they're being from the inside by an alien parasite.

 Evolve's customers overwhelmed by value

 Yum!

Jason and Rebecca are in charge of the kitchen. Rebecca is probably there as punishment for daring to challenge Luisa. Jason, on the other hand, is just being kept out of the way. With his bumbling form, floppy hair and public school accent, Jason is reminiscent of Boris Johnson, but while Boris is a shrewd political operator masquerading as a comedy buffoon, Jason is buffoon failing to masquerade as a shrewd political operator. The team seem to want him as far away from the public as possible. His brief sojourn into the street is treated like a toddler escaping from his play pen.

 Jason in charge of cheese

Over at team Morse things are going more steadily, but not necessarily any better. The milkshakes are selling well, but not spectacularly, and there sis still a heck of a lot of milk. Alex is bellowing in the street, but with a degree of charisma he is managing to shift some produce. Uzma, despite boasting of her sales prowess, is hanging around in a doorway trying not to be seen.

 Uzma makes her presence felt

Kurt suggests diversifying into juice, which necessitates a trip to Costcutter for cheap apple juice to use as a base. Kurt apparently has no use for solid objects, preferring everything be in liquid form.

With the day drawing to a close the teams try to clear as much stock as they can. Luisa has given up on soup and jacket potatoes and is now flogging veg in a sack at £2 a time, hoping that and an earlier large order of buffalo from a man about the size of a buffalo will tip the scales. Neil is confident, Luisa less so, not at all obvious how this is going to turn out is it?

Yep Luisa's team are victorious, albeit by a margin of only £91 and despite pretty much the whole team, even Jason, deciding she was a bad project manager. It doesn't help that Lord Siral pretty much states out right that the team won in spite, not because of her leadership. Still, Luisa isn't deterred. At the celebratory dinner, she raises a toast to the team 'lead by me' which her team mates seem to think is debateable.

Just a moment to comment on Jordan. He's clearly playing with fire, first responding to Lord Siral's scoffing at buffalo with a suggestion that he try some and then overreacting to victory with a kind of yelped 'yes get in.' which clearly pissed him off even more. Points for not being intimidated by Sugar. Unfortunately, they're points with me and not Lord Siral, and I don't have 250 grand to spare.

Neil, unsurprisingly brings Kurt back into the boardroom and also Uzma on the basis that team could have done just as well or better without her. Kurt can call on the fact that his milkshakes generated more than half the teams profit, even if he didn't sell the 200 he claimed he could. Lord Siral gives him a pass, though he may have sabotaged his business proposal by demonstrating that it doesn't always work in practice.

Neil comes across as cocky and declares himself to be the best candidate from the first three tasks. With two women and fired so far and only one man, it's looking dicey for Neil, but Uzma's two previous appearances and inability to point to anything of value she contributed means she's the one who gets the boot. But she's not deterred, after offering the most venemous 'thank you' so far seen, she claims that she will take her idea and 'make millions'. Though given the gap between her assessment of her sales skills and the reality, the may just mean 'tens.'

Next Time: The scavenger hunt! And they're off to Dubai. Great, the last time we had a scavenger hunt abroad it was a classic. This time, Zee claims to know Dubai like the back of his hand, which probably means he went there once when he was six, and the candidates attempt to communicate with foreigners by speaking very slowly and missing out crucial verbs.

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