Episode 11 - July 10th 2013 - Inquisition

It's time for the ritual humiliation in front of four obnoxious monsters task, or the Interview task. In this task we are invited to sympathise with the candidates by watching them be abused to their faces by people who are, somehow, even more annoying than they. The worst offender being Claude Littner, a bald, mutant cyborg like creature with no apparent lower body, whose role is ostensibly to critique the candidates business plan, but whose actually job is to spit bile at them across a desk. Every time at least one interview devolves into a barked exchange in which he insists 'x' which the candidate proclaims 'not x' over and over. Weirdly, he can be quite complimentary about them in the boardroom afterwards, which shows what a performance this all is.

 The Victims

Actually, the task seems to have been toned down somewhat this year. Only Claude is truly vile. Other than him we have Mike Soutar who comes across more as smug and creepy, like a sexual predator with a delusional sense of his personal charm, rather than aggressive. Then there's Margaret Mountford, whose mode is stern headmistress, more disappointed than angry. And finally the newly arrived Claudine Collins who wants to understand the candidates as people, which, disturbingly, leads more than one them to treat her like a therapist.

Claude Littner

Leah, having drifted through tasks thanks to luck more than judgement, actually comes across as the most competent candidate. Her business plan, to set up a chain of cosmetic (or aesthetic as she prefers to label them) surgery clinics, seems well thought through if slightly ethically suspect. She's also responsible for two of the best moments of the episode. Firstly, Mike Soutar invites her to critique his face and she does so with medical precision. It's as close as any candidate gets to insulting the interviewer. Then Claude attempts to argue her sums don't add up, at which point she reels off her entire first years figures, right down to the cleaner, from memory. The best Claude can come up with by way of response is that she talks fast.

 How could you improve on this face?

Leah, treating triumph and disaster just the same

Poor Francesca is stuck being labelled boring by comparison. Her business proposal is to set up a chain of dance studios, which is essentially a bigger version of her current company. Unfortunately, she hasn't had much luck growing her existing business and isn't on top of her figures. She has to admit that she pulled her £5 million turnover figure out of her arse. At least she gets the opportunity to complain to Claudine Collins about how some of the candidates, by which she means Luisa, are ruthless, manipulative, game-players.

 Francesca, caught out

Luisa, meanwhile, appears to have used her CV to settle old scores, slagging off her old boss as being an idiot. Her business plan is vague on the specifics. It has something to do with baking supplies, but it isn't clear if she means ingredients or equipment and her plan is apparently to set up a brand she can sell to retailers. She does know the industry, which is considered a plus, but its hard to shake the feeling that the interviewers find her about as annoying as the audience. We do get one moment of greatness from her when she makes an innocuous comparison between herself and Lord Siral and he reacts like Ayatollah Khomeini if she just announced she was the Prophet Muhammad.

 Er... yeah

Neil has generally been a strong candidate, apart from his habits of claiming credit for everything and acting like the Project Manager even when he isn't. But in front of Claudine Collins he admits that his deceased father wanted him to be a professional footballer, an ambition he failed to achieve. His insane over-confidence now comes across as a psychological defence from someone who can't face the possibility of failure and a need to impress a man who can't possibly acknowledge him. It's all a bit sad really.

Claudine Collins probes Neil

  Staring into the void

Unfortunately, his online estates agency business turns out to be completely bonkers. The initial plan, to set up a web portal from which users can attempt to sell their own house, probably has a market, if not as massive a one as Neil thinks. But he destroys it by claiming that other Estate Agencies will also advertise there, suggesting they essentially undercut themselves. Neil's mad ambition now extends to the belief that enemies will kill themselves in the face of his awesome might. Soutar tries to offer him an out by asking what he would do if Lord Siral like him, but not his plan. But Neil stampedes in the wrong direction by insisting that he would somehow convince Lord Siral that it was a good idea in the face of good-sense, logic and the laws of physics. Amazingly, the only thing Neil believes in more than himself is his crazy business proposal.

Mike is in no way happy to criticise Neil's business plan

Still, if Neil's experience is a surprise, it's nothing compared to Jordan. He seems to start out well with Margaret, a bit smug but reasonably eloquent. Claudine Collins draws blood when she notes that his claims about his time as President of the Oxford University Entrepreneurs society may have been exaggerated, but candidates have survived worse than this. Mike Soutar tests his claim to be able to solve a Rubik's cube in three minutes. He fails, but if that's the worst he can do it isn't much. The real shock comes from Claude. Turns out Jordan's silent partner is actually the owner of an existing online games company. Jordan doesn't have a stake, but still wants Lord Siral to invest, and is only willing to offer 15.39% of the company he doesn't own. What's more, the silent partner is only the co-founder of the company along with a mysterious third person about whom we learn nothing. Claude declares Jordan to be a parasite and throws him out of the room. To his credit, Jordan doesn't thank him for his time, to his shame he doesn't flip the table or punch Claude in the face.

 Margaret Mountford eyes up Jordan...

...and is less than impressed

Back in the boardroom the Inquisitors are all obsequious smiles and ares-kissing in front of Lord Siral. They're also the only people in the country who find his laboured puns amusing in anything other than an ironic way (his best, in response to Luissa's baking plan is to say he's not going to spend hundreds and thousands on hundreds and thousands). The conclusions are essentially that Jordan is a non-starter, he's a facilitator not an entrepreneur and his business plan isn't even his own. Neil is a good candidate with a hopelessly misguided faith in a terrible idea. Francesca has a good idea, but little evidence of solid business skills. Luisa knows her market but could be a nightmare to work with. And Leah is probably the most credible, but there's something a bit ethically dodgy about her plan. Lord Siral actually uses the word 'moral' which doesn't trip of his tongue easily.

All friends here

With the Inquisitors dismissed, the Apprenti return. Though only briefly in Jordan's case, as Lord Siral dispatches him immediately. Apparently this shows how serious the process is. Though I would argue the opposite, given Jordan has made it to week 11 even though his plan was a non-starter and he's kept more credible candidates out of the final.

Bye bye Jordan

Next goes Neil, who proves to be not only incapable of taking a hint, but not capable of taking a straight up statement of fact. The only thing he cares about more than his father's approval and Lord Siral's money is the stupid business plan. In the face of reason, common-sense and Lord Siral actually telling him to drop the idea if he wants to stay in he still defends it, slowly collapsing emotionally and yet, somehow, incapable of changing course. This is the tragedy to Jordan's farce, even Lord Siral appears to be wiping away a tear as Neil exists.

 Neil tries not to tear up

...and so does Lord Siral!

With her business acumen no longer in dispute, Leah is tested heavily on her ethical standards. When Lord Siral pushes her to see if there is anyone she would refuse to treat, for a moment I, and I think Leah, thought he was setting her up. "What, refuse to take someones money, what kind of business person are you?" But in the end, it seems having some ethical scruples are considered a good thing and she is allowed to progress to the final.

That leaves Francesca and Luisa. Luisa is a nightmare, but Francesca is dull. The outcome is pretty much inevitable and the finalists are Leah and Luisa. Somehow, despite a terrible performance for the first three weeks, we have ended up with an all women final. It really shows the value of these tasks in picking a winner.

 Finalists celebrate

Next Time: The Final and the finalists get to pick teams from the eliminated candidates who, with no stake in the process, can just pull faces at the camera. And at least one candidate has some kind of major disaster, that will probably turn out to be a lot less serious than the preview suggests.