The Apprenti are dragged to York Hall, and end up meeting Lord Siralan in a boxing ring. Is it me or have the locations become a touch more down market this series? We started at the V&A museum, but since then we have met his Grace at the docks, a second hand shop and now a boxing ring. I'm half expecting the announcement "and in the losing team one of you will be seeing some of my boys in the back alley."
This weeks task is all about fitness, which is apparently worth a fortune. But as Lord Siralan puts it:
"What has become even more popular is the innovation of noo fitness trends."Wait what? Was hat even a sentence? Seriously, if this is their role model it's no wonder none of the candidates can even communicate coherently. But this isn't the most ridiculous part. This week's task is to invent a completely new workout programme, film a video demonstrating it and then flog it to gyms who will pay a licence fee. So eleven people who are not fitness experts have to invent, from scratch, a new fitness programme in half a day? Either these fitness programmes are a complete con, or this task is ludicrous. I could believe either. Seriously, what is to stop the apprenti inventing something actively dangerous? What if somebody copies one of the signature moves and shatters their spine. One silly remark by Frances Maude and people were incinerating themselves in their kitchens, I dread to think where this could lead.
No team shuffling this week, with the rate the female candidates are dropping the teams are as gender balanced as they can get. Phoenix are left having a conference in a gym sitting on silver exercise balls. Stephen, who actually works selling Gymn memberships and is clearly so at home that he's actually bouncing up and down, albeit gently on a silver ball. The team are happy to make him project manager, and I'm happy as I think he's one of the unsung heroes of this series. So far a week has not gone by when Stephen hasn't said or done something hilariously stupid. The man can't put a receipt in a bag without dropping it. I am actively gleeful at the prospect of him seeing the inside of the boardroom.
Meanwhile, at Stirling Ricky Martin manages to grab the leadership having experience as an amateur wrestler. Jenna also throws her hat in because of her horse riding experience, but is voted down, probably because listening to her awful droning voice for more than five seconds would drive everyone round the bend. Ricky, still found of rhyming couplets, promises that we will witness the fitness. Fitness here defined as an over boiled ham with embryonic Jedward hair stuffed into a tight suit.
Stephen, who actually has some experience in this area, reckons they need something completely unique to grab gyms attention. Adam quickly suggests skipping ropes and Katie suggests combining fitness with speed dating. Wait, back up! Seriously? I actually had some respect for Katie, largely because, during the condiment task, she seemed as baffled as I did by some of her fellow candidates daft behaviour. But Speed dating? How would this even work? How could these ideas possibly be combined? Would you switch classes every minute or something? Jade, with a weird expression that is, for once, appropriate, says she wouldn't want to meet someone while hot and sweaty, which I think is a generous comment to make given that I would have said:
"Are you insane? Have you truly abandoned all the laws of God, nature and logic? Is this idea possibly so ridiculous it could break the television, the Apprentice and possibly the universe itself."Katie's second idea is a retro theme, using equipment from child hood, such as hula hoops and skipping ropes. The rest of the team quickly agree, which suggests her first idea may have been introduced solely to make her second look good, or at least borderline sane, by comparison.
With themes decided, the two teams are sent off to do research. Half of Phoenix end up chatting to dancers about retro, which leads to the disturbing site of Adam doing Thriller moves in overly tight shiny trousers. But they have hit on a new idea. Using space hoppers in place of exercise balls. Stephen is so keen on the idea he takes one with him. Unfortunately, the thing is a bit too big for the car. Stephen avoids the boot, probably out of fear of losing an arm, and so we are treated to the site of two people apparently having a conversation with a space hopper.
The Space Hopper: considerably more competent than any of the candidates
Ricky, Laura and Jenna have gone to a boxing gym. Or "Ricky and his girls" as the narrator calls them, making him sound like a pimp. I'm half expecting him to show up in a huge fur coat covered in bling. Ricky is keen to demonstrate his combat moves, suit or no suit. He thinks the problem with boxercise is that it doesn't do enough for the elbows. He demonstrates a rotating elbow block that's likely to take out someones eye. The other half of the team is researching street dance. Nick asks to be shown how you would teach street dance to someones granny. The end result is a shuffle forward that leaves no-one in any danger until Ricky elbows them in the face.
Oh for goodness sake, this is going to get someone killed
Research complete, the teams regroup to work out moves with professional trainers whose job is, presumably, to stop them coming up with anything that will kill or severely injure anybody. But Tom has a different concern about Phoenix's retro idea. Are the gyms going to pay for all these space hoppers, skipping ropes and hula hoops. Stephen thinks this won't be a problem as they already store exercise balls, rather failing to understand the concept of matter that stops two objects occupying the same space at the same time.
The next day dawns and the teams are again split into two. Stephen and Ricky will be working on their pitches, which just involves them talking into a wall, so we won't bother with them. Instead our attention will be on the sub-teams making the promotional videos. Duanne, always keen to be in charge, wants authority to essentially do whatever he likes, which Ricky, remarkably, grants him. Nick has a very pained expression.
For Stirling, Azhar, Jade and Adam have ended up in a disco. Azhar has been roped into appearing in the video and is being squeezed into shorts so small they're in danger of cutting of his circulation. I'm half expecting him to collapse part way through as no blood can make it to his legs. Jade has been made director which leaves Adam with nothing to do, so he is designated Choreographer. This is a bit like putting the kid that no-one wants in the nativity play in charge of props. But Adam is determined to contribute and drives everyone half round the bend by telling them to smile constantly and singing badly out of tune.
Over at Phoenix's video, it has been agreed that Duanne should direct and Laura, who has experience as a dancer, should star in the video. Unfortunately, that's about as much as they've managed to agree on. Duanne has made changes to the moves and Nick is worried that they're losing the combat element. Duanne thinks that everyone is being mean and horrible and won't let him do anything and it's not fair. I may be paraphrasing there, but the gist is that Duanne thinks any criticism at all is an attempt to undermine him and ruin the shoot.
Stirling have moved on to editing and Adam is determined to stamp his authority on the video by quibbling over every little detail. His eye's have started to develop a disturbing bulging quality like something out of Total Recall. He thinks Jade won't listen to him, but doesn't know if its because she's "deaf or thick or what". Another possibility disappears into the mammoth gulf between Adam's self-belief and reality.
Ricky's presentation prep has gone well and he's convinced that the whole team are happy and working well together. Back in the real world, Duanne and Laura are arguing about which is the most stressed while Nick looks on in despair like the embarrassed friend of a barely married couple. He tries to make peace and get everyone to shake hands but even this tiny olive branch is too much for Duanne who thinks they shouldn't force it. The fact that they can't even agree to a handshake is too much for Nick who bursts out laughing in sheer disbelief. Duanne looks sickened, nothing about this process is meant to be fun. I'm really starting to like Nick. The editing doesn't go much better, Duanne essentially ignores any criticism and blunders on regardless.
It's time for the presentations and Phoenix's first stop is Virgin fitness. To be fair to him, Ricky gives a confident performance and makes a decent job of justifying their combination of martial arts and dance, which they have named Beat Battle. Then the video plays which is entirely hum drum. One of the Virgin Fitness bods wants to know how this is different from Zumba. Ricky tries to emphasise the martial arts element, but it isn't present in the video. The team has a quick debriefing after the pitch and Laura suggests demoing some of the moves live at the next pitch. Watch out for those elbows.
Meanwhile, Stirling have arrived at Fitness First, where they are confronted by two people in identical jump suits that make them look members of a cult, and a smartly dressed business woman with an expression like she's never had a good day in her life. Stephen manages to introduce their retro fitness regime, names Groove Train, without saying anything too obviously ridiculous. Then he introduces the video, a disturbingly retro cheese fest accompanied by flash dance and Azhar's tiny shorts. It also highlights the essential problem with their idea, as they only seem to have been able to afford two hula hoops and two space hoppers for five people.
"You like you had a lot of fun making that," business woman says. The unspoken message in her tone is that they don't do fun at Fitness First. "Their is no fun at Fitness First. Their is only work and pain and Fitness. First last and always. Join us. Join the brethren of the blue jump suits. Surrender all your wordly goods." I may be exaggerating somewhat. Stephen is shocked to be asked about the cost of equipment. Apparently they'll get it all for free, but Fitness First are still not happy. Where are they going to store it all? Stepehn is left speechless. Its a pity that no-one like say Tom, had pointed out earlier that this might be a problem.
At Gym chain number two, Laura is demonstrating some Beat Battle moves. Then Duanne attempts to demonstrate the super-punch move in a pin stripe suit, first he forgets it and then nearly falls over. This is really highlighting the combat element. Stephen has moved on from free equipment to charging. Space Hoppers apparently cost £2 and skipping ropes and hula hoops £1, numbers he apparently got from the Bank of his Arse.
"Oh Sorry"
Having reached Fitness First, Ricky manages to impress with his answers if not his video. He manages to deflect criticism that Beat Battle is just doing a bit of everything by actually suggesting that people can't decide between dancing and punching people, but delivers his answer with such confidence that he gets away with it. Virgin Fitness think Groove Train is a kids routine being miss sold to adults. Stephen is offended, Azhar's shorts are entirely unsuitable for children.
Back at the boardroom the offending video's are scrutinised. Lord Siralan thinks Groove Train is cheesy and they get shredded because of equipment costs, but he summarises Beat Battle as "good" which from the Sugarbot is borderline evangelism. Now its time for the totals Pure Gymn take 3 months of licensing off Stirling for £2970 and Fitness First offers them a one off £5000 fee for development rights. This throws Lord Siralan off, he's used to dealing with straight up sales, not complicated fee systems, how's he supposed to work out the total. Still, things are looking bad for Stephen who has no orders so far. But then Virgin turn up from a bizarre hallucinogenic dream world and offer nothing to Stirling and £12,000 to Phoenix so they can use it as a parent and child class. This is the equivalent of someone offering to take 12000 chocolate tea pots off them so that they can melt them down to make Easter eggs. The status of the equipment and the financial viability of the deal are unquestioned and, amazingly, Phoenix have won.
Relaxing at a spa, Azhar comments to Stephen that this is the taste of success. Both Azhar and Stephen have now tasted success as project managers, funny how success tastes like blind luck.
At the Bridge cafe, Stirling can't even generate the enthusiasm to bitch at one another, they're still in a state of shock from the loss. Back in the boardroom the blame is pinned on the video for being dull and failing to showcase the product. Ricky blames Duanne for the video and Laura for losing the combat element and drags them back into the boardroom. Lord Siralan thinks he's brought back the people who contributed. Ricky concedes, but still thinks they were the ones who failed the task. To be fair, it can't be your fault the team lost if you did nothing and if Jenna and Gabrielle weren't there would anyone have noticed?
Duanne defends Laura, but puts his own neck on the line. Things are looking dicey for Ricky, but his solid pitches save him and given that Lord Siralan thinks Laura shouldn't be there, all that's left is Duanne. Ricky is told he brought in the wrong people and that this is poor management, but it's actually been pretty smart as he has effectively manoeuvred Lord Siralan into firing one of the strong candidates. The loser's taxi is at least argument free, but only because Duanne is on his own.
NEXT TIME the budget only stretches as far as Scotland this year as the teams try to flog roadside foot. Cue Ricky in a kilt, everyone else running about in chef's outfits, someone trying to eat a squirrel and Jenna feeling "physically sick". Now she knows how the rest of us feel having to listen to her.
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