After being called down to the docks, this week the candidates are sent to the "Old Cinema." At this rate I'm expecting future tasks to be announced at the back of the bike sheds or behind the bins. But in fact, the Old Cinema turns out to be a second hand shop. It isn't open when the candidates file in, but clearly they aren't trusted not to nick anything as someone is sitting behind Lord Siralan watching their every move. This weeks task is to use £1000 to fill a shop with second hand items and sell them for as much as possible.
Laura describes herself as an attractive business woman, but apparently others have called her a Rottweiler. After Killer Whales and Great White Sharks this is something of a climb down in animal metaphor terms, though it's still better than Phoenix team leader Tom who calls himself "well rounded." This sounds more like a description of a football than a person. But he does have a plan, quality rather than quantity. Katie jumps on board with both feet suggesting they buy five items and make a fortune. This isn't so much a plan as a wish. Are the five items lottery tickets?
Over at Stirling, Laura's plan is to upcycle everything, buy cheap crap than they can add value to by redecorating and repurposing it. As official team creative person Gabrielle is put in charge of this and thinks they should have their own brand. Jenna thinks Union Jacks are very in at the moment. Given that this comes from a woman who championed the splash screen for baths it should probably be taken with a grain of salt. Maybe she watched the first episode and paid too much attention to the tourists?
The next day dawns and the teams split up to look for stock. Stephen, Katie and Adam are given only £200 of the £1000 budget, but are still asked to spend as little as possible. Maybe Tom just plans to keep all the money and give it back at the end? Based on previous team's performances this might actually be a sensible strategy. But the team are soon bitching. Adam thinks its impossible to fill the shop on their budget and that they're not miracle workers. He does claim that they are good sales people and negotiators, a claim less credible than the previous one.
The sub-team end up in an auction house. They seem to be taking their queue from day time TV, but have the message back to front. You're supposed to sell the cheap crap at the auction not buy it there. Nick Hewer says they have committed the mortal sin of not arguing with Tom for more money. Clearly the route to team success on the Apprentice is more arguing. In the end Adam resorts to scavenging from bins round the back for further stock, where he encounters Lord Siralan preparing for next week's task.
Laura's team, meanwhile, are clearing the entire stock of a junk shop. Laura thinks they should look not only for items to sell, but cheap things they can use to upcycle their existing stock. She suddenly shouts "Buttons". Not sure if that was an example or a failed attempt at swearing.
Tom is at a Car boot sale with Jade and Azhar, but he is being very picky about stock. They consider an interesting looking photo frame, before smashing part of it. Deciding they should probably leave it now that they've broken it, Jade offers a perfunctory apology "Sorry about smashing it." I assume the BBC forked out for the damage. This is where your licence fee goes.
Never let an Apprentice handle your merchandise
Stephen, Katie and Adam have moved on to a junk shop to get a few last bits and pieces with their remaining cash. They reckon they've struck gold when they find a secret back room and grab some chairs and a lamp shade. They've clearly been extra cunning finding all the secret stock the shop owner was keeping hidden for himself so that no-one would buy it! He must be furious that they've uncovered his plan. No, apparently he thinks what they've got is a load of crap.
Laura, Duanne and Ricky have stumbled on a house clearance and seem disturbingly gleeful at the news that the owner died and they can just help themselves. There's something faintly ghoulish about Ricky ripping down the curtains and tearing up the carpet. I faintly concerned that if the body was still there he'd be checking it for viable organs. Still, as Duane says, "you don't look a gift horse in the eye." Presumably because if you're watching its eye you can't watch its mouth and it might bite you!
Back at the shop, the team are screwing chair legs to suitcases and painting a Union Jack on everything within eye line. Some of the team are questioning the point of adding Union Jacks to everything. Gabrielle claims they're very in at the moment, a piece of information she got from Jenna earlier in the episode. Some of the team are still not convinced. When confronted with her latest creation, Nick says it looks "sort of like a box on a ladder." Possibly because that's what it is. Gabrielle's approach to ordering material doesn't help, as it essentially consists of walking behind Jenna as she phones in an order and then doubling. But don't worry, she's pretty sure they still have loads of money.
Ladder Box
The next day comes and the Apprenti are trying to spruce themselves up for the young trendies shopping in brick lane. Stephen is worried about looking like a complete prat. Someone should probably tell him that that ship has sailed. Tom, on the other hand is wearing excessively tight trousers and is walking very carefully so that he doesn't rip anything. If it comes to a fight between his legs and the trousers it's too close to call.
Actually, the Phoenix shop, Retro Station, has a certain minimalist style. It looks uncluttered, more like a gallery than a shop, but in Brick Lane that isn't entirely out of place. Over at Vintage Gold, Stirling's shop, Nick is throwing leaves on the floor in the mistaken belief that this makes the place look arty. In fact it looks like a derelict shop that the team has broken into and started selling anything that's already there.
The situation isn't improved by some of the Stirling sales team. Duane's attempt to sell a couple of chairs involves pointing out that one is big and the other is small, demonstrating that he does, at least, possess basic spacial awareness. But this effort is still better than Jane chasing punters down the street and offering them chairs. Even Karen Brady is finding it faintly uncomfortable.
According to Duane, one of these chairs is bigger than the other one
Over at Retro Station, things are going pretty well, so well in fact that they're starting to run out of stock and so Adam, Stephen and Jane are permitted to take some of Tom's precious budget and go by some more. They end up in a boot sale intimidating children. "How much do you want for this camera? 50p?" Adam asks a ten year old before shoving a coin into his hand clearing off. They manage to annoy one stall holder sufficiently that she gives them an ashtray for a quid on the condition that they promise to go away. Stephen reckons you can't get more retro than that, possibly getting confused between a neolithic artifact and an ashtray.
Back at Vintage Gold, Laura has hit on a scheme to give out flyers with discount vouchers. Bizarrely, it seems to work and the shop is soon packed with people. But still they are struggling to shift all the Union Jack stuff. Laura has taken to standing in the doorway yelling "Who will take this furniture off me?" Which is less a sales pitch and more a plea. As the day progresses, the team are offering increasingly desperate low prices. Laura tries to off load a table for a pound to a woman who claims her house is full of stuff, possibly from all the crap the team has already foisted on her. Meanwhile, a bloke in a bow tie's insistence that he will only give £9.25 for an item Jenna wants to sell for £9.50 is starting to look like trolling.
At Retro Station business has been brisk, despite the best efforts of Stephen who manages to drop a customer purchase on the floor when trying to put a their receipt in the bag. What was that about not looking like a prat. Still, things have gone so well that Nick Hewer actually apologises for the scorn he pored on Tom's product selection. "What do I know?" He says. Well, he's not completely alone in his opinions. A middle-aged man informs Adam that he would put all this stuff in a skip. Strange he should say that...
Not a prat
The day is over and the shops are forced to close up. As the light dims the magic fades and Gabrielle's hastily constructed luggage tables actually start to fall to bits. Too late to do anything about it now. This is as close to a literal fly by night operation as its possible to get without the use of a plane.
Back in the boardroom it transpires that Stirling actually sold slightly more than Phoenix, but they also spent a lot more on materials and stock giving Tom a healthy win. The team are sent off for Swing dance lessons, but unfortunately this is like one of those make overs they have to reverse once the session is over. So all the candidates will be shot in the knees at the end. This may not be true.
Back with Stirling, and the blame is falling squarely on Gabrielle and Jenna for spending too much on materials and failing to add any real value. Karen describes with disdain their attempts at re-upholstering with a staple gun. Gabrielle offers a robust defence, by which I mean she becomes increasingly high pitched until all we can hear is strained squeaking. But somehow she does manage to communicate to Lord Siralan that Laura didn't do much except give pep talks and that she bought too much stock. Laura is still targeting Gabrielle, claiming she didn't do much more than stick masking tape on a window. But shock, it turns out that Gabrielle and Jenna made by far the most sales, more than £400 each, with Jane racking up a measly £10.
But at this point we don't know what they sold, so we can't tell how much their attempts at upcycling helped or hindered the team. Where Gabrielle and Jenna effective upcyclers brought low by Laura's impossible amount of stuff, or are they reckless spend-thrifts producing mountains of crap who also happen to be good at sales? Alas the jury is destined to remain out, trapped in the waiting room with only the long suffering receptionist and a plate of jammy dodgers for company, as no-one delves into what items actually sold.
Laura drags back Gabrielle and Jane, sensing weakness because of her lousy sales. Gabrielle has hit on a winning defence, claiming to be the only one contributing. Past boardroom experience has taught her that its better to do something big and stuff up than look boring in the corner. The finger appears to be pointing dangerously at Laura, but then a last minute upset. Jane is fired, apparently Lord Siralan hasn't seen anything in these four weeks to back up her impressive CV. To be fair, she kept the chutney team from disaster while Ricky was poring it down the drain. But she should probably have been booted in week 2 because of the Splash screen.
Jane fights back tears in the taxi. She says Lord Siralan doesn't want her. Well, at least she knows how her kids feel given that she said she cared more about this than whether they were crying.
NEXT TIME. The teams have to come up with an exercise video and pitch it to professionals in 2 days! Either this proves that the workout industry is a total sham and any idiot with a camcorder can slap one together, or this is the most ludicrously unreasonable task ever devised. Either way, someone is coming out of it looking bad.
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