The two teams are dragged to the Victoria and Albert Museum on the grounds that its a show case for British design and this is a design task. It also has the advantage of a central space with a huge balcony allowing Lord Siralan to gives his order while staring down on the assembled Apprenti like a Medieval King. This week, the apprenti, still divided Boys against Girls, must develop a new household gadget and flog it to some selected retailers.
The design task, a staple of the early weeks of the series, is always a delight because it's completely unfair. Chuck the candidates into a totally unfamiliar industry and then expect them to invent a new product, that no-one has ever thought of before, in two hours, get a proto-type made and sell it. The end result is two terrible products of which the slightly less terrible will lose and, either way, Lord Siralan can berate the losers for their total lack of design sense.
All of which leaves us with the question of who would want to project manage such a thankless task? Stirling, the Girls team, has two volunteers, Katie and Jane. Both have experience bringing products to market. But Jane reckons she can lead from a strategic level, as opposed to a spirit level I suppose, while Katie is really excited. The girls clearly favour strategy to excitement, plus Katie is a bit wet, and Jane gets the job leaving Katie in a bit of a huff. Jane claims to be a good team player, providing its a team she's leading.
Over at Phoenix, only Azhar seems to want the job as Project manager. He claims to be the "Killer Whale of the Sea World", a role already taken by the Killer Whale. I am not sure he understands the concept of a metaphor. Still he supports his claim with the evidence that he is "intelligent, polite and nice." I'll give him intelligent, but are Killer Whales know for their polite niceness? When they disembowel a great white shark and eat its liver, I'm not sure the shark is thinking about the Whale's good manners.Also, I'm pretty sure that Killer Whales work well as a team.
The Killer Whale of the Sea World
With PM's chosen it's on to the design. Phoenix have decided on a kitchen gadget and Duane has an idea for a recycling bin that can compress food waste down. He reckons he's on to a winner here because all that not-gratuitously destroying the planet eco-shit is dead fashionable at the moment.
Stirling, who have fixed on a bathroom gadget are struggling. So far they have failed to even identify a problem in the bathroom, let alone a solution. Eventually, Laura suggests a splash guard to keep small children from messing up the floor. Even she isn't that enthused by it, it's the "only problem" she has in the bathroom. When the only problem with the bathroom is that you may get wet you are clearly reaching.
The teams are sub-divided for market research purposes with one team talking to retailers and the other to a focus group. But on the way, Phoenix focus group team member Adam has a new idea, rubber gloves with built in sponges for easy cleaning. This is clearly a better idea than the bin because, according to Adam, no-one throws away much food but you wash up three times a day. I admire his diligence to the cause of clean crockery, I question how he manages to wash up three times a day and still have a 110% to give to the tasks.
At the Stirling focus group Laura opens by saying she wants to talk about a 'practical product.' Well I suppose it can be considered positive that they weren't actively trying to be impractical from the start. Though it turns out the Splash Guard may not be that practical after all. Mothers are concerned that it may restrict access to the child. But the girls have one idea left up their sleeves, a tap cosy. Okay it's actually a kind of cushion to put over the taps of your bath so you can rest your feet on them, which isn't entirely awful. But tap cosy? Who wants to keep their taps cosy. I'm pretty sure that one will keep itself cosy and the other shouldn't be cosy at all. In spite of the dodgy name both the focus group are in favour and, following a brief phone conference, both sub-teams agree to go with dubiously named cosy.
Over at Phoenix's focus group, opinion is equally positive for the eco-bin and the sponge gloves. Although one focus group member wouldn't buy the gloves but would just buy a sponge. Adam must have mentally filtered him out though as he declares the group unanimously in favour of the gloves. Now he just has to convince the rest of the team. Unfortunately, Azar thinks that someone else already sells something similar to Adam's gloves. He can't tell you who, or who told him that, or why he thinks that, but he's pretty convinced. Then Stephen accidentally lets slip that they didn't really look at the gloves idea. Azar thinks they have to go with the bin because they need a product that will work in modern Britain, or something. The sub-team are seriously hacked off and Ricky remarks that they've "invented the bin." I'm not sure that that's any worse than inventing the glove.
Meanwhile, at Stirling the girls are having second thoughts. Jenna s concerned that it will be too difficult to attach the cosy to the taps. In contrast to a massive plastic screen that should be child's play to attach to a smooth surface. She is hugely concerned that the tap cosy is too mind boggling a concept and drones on at lengths about simplicity. So much so that she appears to have put Maria to sleep. Jane asks if Maria has any thoughts and, having suddenly returned from Dreamland, she relies on the standby excuse of the midday dozer, that she wasn't asleep she was "thinking". With Maria deep in thought, Jane decides to switch products.
Maria, deep in thought
The only problem is that Jane's hasn't told the sub-team, who are already discussing cosy fabric with a designer, while Jane's team are talking about splash screen design with a different designer. At this rate there's a dangerous possibility that team Stirling will end up with a fabric screen. Fortunately, Kate gets on the phone to ask how the cosy design work is coming on. Jane seems surprised at the question, possibly assuming she was psychic. Kate justifiably points out that the market research was totally against the screen and that if they ignore it the sub-team have wasted the morning. Jane takes this into consideration and strategically ignores it. But she does give the sub-team the opportunity to choose the name "kid-splash" or "splish-splash." They think "kid-splash" so Jane chooses "splish-splash" just underline how worthless their opinions are.
At Phoenix Adam at his sub-team are similarly hacked off. Duane is emphasising the importance of the bin's ability to squash rubbish, but no-one is really listening. Ricky thinks Azhar is insensitive and failing to empathise with them. That's the problem with Killer whales, unfailing polite but insensitive and lacking empathy.
The girl's are disturbingly excited by the product. Gabrielle declares it to be "amazin'," though doesn't specify why. Laura questions why no-one has invented this before, a question that more or less answers itself. It's left to Katie to point out that there's water all over the floor, meaning they have a product that fails to do the one thing it was designed to do. Nevertheless, the team goes to bed insisting they've got in the bag, which makes me worry about the the plastic from the screen may be producing some dodgy fumes.
The next day comes and the teams are driven off to their pitches. Stirling are still working out their figures having spent all the previous night playing with splish-splash and its range of water proof crayons and plastic ducks. It didn't stop any water, but that doesn't seem to matter now. The team have worked out a tiered pricing structure offering a lower price to the retailer depending on the amount they order, unfortunately to get any kind of discount you need to order 100,000 units and for maximum value you need to order a million. Still the first retailer is Amazon who have a 144 million customers globally, so Jane is confident that this in no way and insanely ambitious goal. But then, listening to Jenna, it sounds like their offering all one million for £7.48 which sounds like a pretty good deal.
Jane gives a confident presentation and the retailers seem impressed, until the suggestion of one million units comes up. I think one of them almost pops an eyeball. But Jane is ready to compromise with a suggestion of only 500,000. Unfortunately, Stirling's figures don't add up. Jane turns the presentation over to her "Financial Team" which consists of Gabrielle and Jenna. They appear to be deep in discussion, but it's not clear that's about figures. They might just be discussing Heat magazine given their total inability to offer a coherent response. After the presentation, Katie is concerned about the unrealistic figures and one million unit order suggestion. She doesn't want to be laughed at. She may want to reconsider her decision to appear on this show.
Phoenix are preparing for their presentation and, concerned that too many people will be talking at once, have decided only Azhar and Stephen should speak, even during questions. This seems odd to Duane, as he's the designer, but surely Stephen as salesperson extraordinaire will be up to the job. He opens by saying that he would love to introduce the product, that 72% of people cook at home and dumping rotten vegetables on their desk as a demonstration. The retailers want to know what the bin's USP is. Stephen responds by saying "that's a great question" the universal code for "I haven't the foggiest idea." Fortunately, Duane breaks Azhar's edict and pipes up. His answer is pretty good, but he does suggest keeping the bin on your desktop. Word of warning, if you're cooking at your desk you're working too hard even for the Apprentice.
In the car on the way to Lakeland, the second retailer, team Stirling are trying to sort out their figures. Jenna has "simplified" the pricing structure in much the way George Osbourne "simplified" pensioner's tax allowances. When Katie points out that it's cheaper to order fewer units, Jenna throws a temper tantrum and huffily says Katie should do the figures.
At Lakeland it's Laura's turn to give the presentation. But the Lakeland buyer has hit on a problem. If the crayons are water proof, what's to stop the child drawing on the bath. Well, surely you can just reach in and stop them? It's not as if there's a huge piece of plastic blocking your way or anything.
Azhar has decided that Duane can speak in this presentation, probably because he's realised that Duane will pipe anyway even if told not to. Stephen's role now appears to be relaying the questions to Duane, making sure to point out how great the questions are first.
Only two retailers this time, it must be the tough economic climate, so the teams are dragged back to the boardroom. Stirling are hugely confident for some reason. Lord Siralan doesn't seem impressed by the product which he thinks looks more like a toy than a gadget. This appears to mind-boggle Jane who burbles that it's a "portable product". Jenna utters the dread word "multi-purpose". Lord Siralan is also amused at their attempt to solicit a million orders, insisting that no product ever gets a million orders out of the gate. Jane responds that she believed in the product. Though possibly in the way that some people believe in Creationism or Scientology.
The Sugar Screen
Turning to Phoenix, Lord Siralan is amazed at how small the bin is, an odd statement given that it looks like a giant cafetiere. How much rotting vegetable matter does he have to get rid of? The team, and particularly Duane, stick the knife in Azar's back claiming he was a bad project manager.
At first things are looking good for Stirling, getting 7500 orders from Amazon to Phoenix's 3000. But Lakeland didn't want any splash screens allowing the boys to romp home with 10000 orders. Phoenix are duly packed off to a private room at the Ivy. Private, presumably, to stop them bothering the other customers. Adam is being magnanimous given that Duane's product won the day, but Azar's claim that they won the day because everyone was in the right place, is met with a stoney silence of confusion and disdain. It's left to Ricky to sum up Azar in verse form: "he's got the gear but no idea."
Stirling, and Jane in particular, are outraged at their defeat thinking they didn't deserve to lose. Maria isn't going to take this lying down, which is a bit rich from the girl caught sleeping. Still there's little danger of that happening now as she's had at least three sugars in her tea.
Back in the boardroom, Jane blames the failure of the task on Katie and Maria because they failed to contribute and 'were giving it all that.' Apparently so much so that they caused Jenna to lose basic maths skills and Gabrielle to fall into a black hole. As far as Jane is concerned criticising product is unforgivable. They are, after all, criticising her fundamental religious beliefs or something.
Jenna's defence for screwing up the figures is that no-one else stepped up. Jane also insists that Katie and Maria were given a chance. If you call Jenna getting to a sulk and saying "you do the figures then" counts as a chance rather than a temper tantrum. Jane blames Katie and Maria for this, but Maria insists she did nothing. She may be right but repeating the phrase "I did nothing" doesn't send quite the right signal.
Jane is keen to bring Katie and Maria back into the boardroom, but Lord Siralan warns her that she has to make a rational choice, so she chooses Jenna. But once the others have gone she lays into Maria and makes it apparent that she only brought Jenna in because she felt forced. Hint for Jane, second guessing who you think Lord Siralan wants in the room and then moaning about it is not exactly rational.
But Nick, Karen and Lord Sugar are not exactly impressed with Maria. Nick thinks she's too loud, suggesting Countdown may have effected him, Karen says she has a lot of energy, having missed the bit when she fell asleep. Maria doesn't help her cause by saying that Jane was a good project manager before saying she causes aggression and should be fired.
Jenna and Jane do their best to get fired. Jenna by repeating the phrase "I don't shy away" so much that you wish she would and Jane by claiming she's more upset by this than her crying son. I hope he's not watching or they'll be yet more tears. Nevertheless, Maria has committed the mortal sin of being loud, but not incompetent in an interesting way and she is shown the door. However, Lord Siralan is still "deeply disappointed" by the girls lack of business sense and dangles the threat of a double firing. But in the end he decides to save it for when it will make the most impact and the two are packed off back to the house. They don't even bother to say goodbye to Maria. Still she doesn't seem to bothered reckoning she'll get her investment another way, possibly bu dosing off in front of Dragon's Den.
Next week the teams are producing condom-ments (judging by the narration). Things go seriously wrong, again, and it looks like one team nearly poisons Nick Hewer.
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